The Butterfly Effect: And the Chamber of Secrets
by UnchartedConstellations
Summary: When Edward and Alphonse Elric are sent to another world with little to no instruction, they have to find a way to survive. After becoming a Hogwarts professor, will Edward figure out what's going on? Or will their strange effect on this world, planned or not, change everything as they know it. Rated: T for occasional harsh language and darker themes
1. Ed - Honey I Shrunk the Kids

**Authors Note: Wow I haven't written on FF for a while but I'm way too lazy to format this on AO3. Anyway's I wrote this thing in two weeks and the entire thing's done. The time in between chapters is however long it takes to copy and paste it because I have no self control. Enjoy!**

* * *

Edward Elric was tired of the Truth. He'd been prepared to give up his alchemy to get his brother back, ready to face the static white demon that resided in the gate, but instead he seemed to bypass the gate entirely, and instead was suddenly falling, heading towards a grimy dirt path a few meters off the ground.

He bounced off the ground, noting the audible metal clank as he landed on his right arm, or as it seemed, his automail fully restored, so quickly returned after having his arm back for only a few pitiful moments. He heard another loud crackle of alchemy, and barely had time to reach up and catch Alphonse. He was going to bruise from catching the boney boy but it was worth it.

Golden eyes met each other before Alphonse quickly wrapped his arms around his body, knocking them both over.

"You okay Al?" Ed asked in a hushed tone, ignoring the rocks digging into his back.

"I'm fine brother- your arm!" Al shouted, trying to push himself up, only to collapse back down on Ed's chest. Ed ended up sitting up for both of them, arms still wrapped around each other. "It didn't work!"

"It did… I went to the gate to bring you back… something happened, but I'm not sure what."

"I… he looked like he was ready for you, but then he disappeared."

"Disappeared?"

"I don't know… but normally your arm wouldn't be enough, especially since you got the automail back…" Alphonse frowned into Ed's shoulder. "Brother, where are we?"

Ed took the chance to look around, seeing nothing but grasslands and trees, apart from a few small houses in the distance and the long path they seemed to have landed.

"I'm not sure," Ed said hesitating as he looked at his brother. They couldn't travel like this, him with minor blood loss, and Al, horrifically atrophied and nothing on his body. He slowly put his hands together, hoping for the reassuring crackles of alchemy. He had intended to trade it away, but he wasn't even sure what had happened.

He did end up feeling the assuring flow of energy through his body, and pressed his hands to himself, taking his shirt and half of his pants, and transmuting them into something for Al to wear.

It took both of them to get the clothes on, Ed with shakey new automail and Al without enough muscles to hold his arms over his head. They were both underdressed for the chill air, but it was better than nothing.

They looked a bit like a circus freak show as they walked, Ed still exhausted from the promised day, still covered in blood, couldn't carry Al in his arms, so instead Al's feet were on top of Ed's, with Ed holding his upper body up as he walked.

They kept walking past the point Al was exhausted, farther past the point Ed was exhausted, and quite literally until Ed's flesh leg gave out, and they toppled backwards, Al landing on top of him again. Neither brother even tried getting up, instead just shifting to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

* * *

Ed woke up in a more comfortable place than he'd fallen asleep in, laid across something on his stomach. It took a moment to realize that whatever it was, was moving, and he opened his eyes to realize he was in fact, draped over a very large man's shoulder. He could just see Al on the other shoulder behind the man's rather large hair.

He relaxed slightly after that, making sure not to move so whoever it was didn't realize he was awake. The man was probably friendly considering they hadn't been tossed in a car, being dragged through the dirt, or been killed. Ed realized he seemed to have pretty low standards.

They were being carried through a small village, not that Ed could see much with his head down and eyes half lidded. The fashion seemed a bit odd, halfway between old fashioned and over-dressed. If he wore a more muted color scheme with his normal clothes he actually might've blended in.

The man stopped and Ed made sure not to freeze by accident as the man lightly pushed him closer to his head to keep him from sliding off.

"They was right where you'd said they'd be," the man grumbled in a moderately happy tone, "thank's fer tellin' me, poor kid's musta passed right out on the way."

"Are you sure they were heading here? I mean, those limbs," a woman hissed quietly.

"There be nothin' else round to go ta, could ya send an owl up ta Dumbledore, tell him to get Madame Pomfrey ready fer 'em?" He asked, with a brief pause following.

"Sure Hagrid… Be safe."

"You too, Puddifoot," the man replied, waving and jostling him slightly. Ed grabbed onto the man's thick coat to avoid tumbling off, getting the man's attention. "Oh sorry bou't tha, didn' realize you were awake. Name's Hagrid."

Ed readjusted now that the man knew he was awake, slowly turning around to see the man's face. His right shoulder and left arm throbbed with the movement, but he did his best to ignore it while he did his best not to kick the man. "I'm Ed… That's my little brother Al," He mumbled, coming to a rest.

The man, despite his bushy hair and beard had kind eyes that put Ed at ease. "'s he sick?"

"Was for a long time… finally coming out of it I think…" Ed lied easily, not that he'd ever really told anyone the truth. His arms throbbed as the man walked out of the village.

"And you?"

"'m just an idiot," Ed mumbled, and the man chuckled lightly.

"Well, lucky for you, Madame Pomfrey should fix ya righ' up," Hagrid announced.

"Doctor?"

"Nah, she's the nurse a' Hogwarts, one of th' finest around."

"Right," Ed sighed, not bothering to ask what the hell Hogwarts was.

Ed was pretty sure he'd passed out again at one point, since when he opened his eyes again he was inside a large castle. There didn't seem to be anyone around, but upon further inspection there seemed to be people wandering through the paintings, some looking perfectly at home while others looked like they were in the wrong place.

Maybe he had lost more blood than he'd thought. He didn't remember bandaging his left arm after all, although he'd feel a bit guilty if he'd been bleeding all over Hagrid.

Several moving staircases, and a 'fight' with a painted knight, who didn't seem to realize that fact, later, they arrived at the hospital wing.

Ed was glad to note the lack of white walls and ceiling, instead the room was structured much like the rest of the castle, with only white metal beds with curtains along the side to make it look professional. Ed couldn't see much equipment, but since they'd run into no one on the way up, he wasn't surprised at the vacancy.

"Dumbledore, Pomfrey, you in here?" Hagrid bellowed, leaning over one of the beds and carefully putting Al down on top of it. Ed slid off his shoulder to the ground, landing with a semi-audible clank. His legs started complaining as his arms stopped throbbing, but he stood next to his brother and Hagrid, who looked tempted to pick him up and put him on a bed as well.

An elderly man and woman walked out of the small side office, both dressed in long robes. The man looked a little surprised at their condition, but the nurse looked absolutely horrified at both of them. Madam Pomfrey quickly got to work, noting Ed's glare and instead starting on Alphonse.

The old man, or Dumbledore, as he seemed to be called, was curiously glaring at his automail limbs with an odd twinkle in his eyes. Hagrid managed to make him sit on the bed next to Al's, and they all watched as she worked.

Ed checked his automail while the nurse went to get someone called Snape, picking rocks and gravel out of the plates on his leg. It would've been easier to take the damn thing off and do it, but it was a bit awkward to do it in mixed company. The ports on his arm were bleeding a bit, probably from the temporary appearance of his real arm, and the blood was congealing inside the arm, and would need a cleanup later whenever he got a chance.

Pomfrey eventually came back with a greasy haired man, dressed in all black and looking like he'd rather be hiding in a shadowy corner somewhere else. The two whispered to each other, both frowning when she lifted up Al's shirt to reveal the sharp jut of his ribs and hipbones. They murmured to each other for a few more minutes until the man eventually stalked away with an apparent purpose.

"Now let's take a look at you," Madam Pomfrey said, finally turning to him.

She ignored his automail for the most part, except for where it attached, instead mostly focusing on the rather impressive wound through his upper left arm. He was given several disgusting things to drink, but he was honestly dehydrated enough to gulp them right down to the nurse's surprise.

"So mister…" The old man started talking while his arm was cleaned, either trying to distract him or just now finally finding the right time.

"Elric."

"-Elric, you didn't go to school here, did you?" Dumbledore asked.

"We didn't go to school anywhere really, had private lessons when we were younger but…"

"Strange, just muggle studies or?" The man drifted off.

"Alchemy actually," Ed mumbled. Dumbledore stepped back surprised.

"I haven't met anyone versed in alchemy for many years, I thought it might be a lost art for your generation," the man pondered, Ed was just glad that the man seemed to know what he was talking about, "If I got you something to draw with could you perhaps-"

Ed had already clapped his hands together, slapping them down on the metal rail at the end of the bed. The white metal swirled up in the blue energy, shifting into a miniature statue of Hagrid, bushy hair and large coat in full detail.

Dumbledore easily snapped the statue off the railing, holding it close to his face, "marvelous, simply wonderful." He stared at the statue for another moment before putting it back on the edge of the railing, and Ed transmuted it back into the metal bar. "I hope you don't mind if I inquire about your age?"

"I'm sixteen, Al's fifteen," Ed mumbled, taking another peek at his resting brother.

The man hummed, thinking for a moment, "You wouldn't happen to have a job Mr. Elric?"

Ed thought back to home, a place he wasn't even sure existed where he was, "No, not anymore, I've just been trying to take care of Al…"

"You wouldn't happen to have any experience with teaching, would you?" Dumbledore asked suddenly. Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes as she finished wrapping Ed's arm.

"Before our teacher I helped Al learn alchemy… why?"

"Well, as I said before, I thought alchemy was lost to this generation, I was wondering if you would want to teach it here, the students are from ages eleven to seventeen, they wouldn't be much younger or older than you, especially if you thought the seventh years wouldn't be able to learn it in a year."

"Wait, but you met me like five minutes ago, I could be dangerous-"

"I can bet that you are, any talented wizard is, but I can see it in your eyes that you wouldn't hurt any of my students, not with the way you look at your brother. It would be a very exceptional learning opportunity."

"Won't I be younger than some of the students?"

"You could lie, tell them you're eighteen if you wanted…"

Ed stored away the whole wizard thing to think about later. He and Al needed income and a place to stay until either the Truth pulled them back, or they figured out what they were supposed to be doing or how to get back. Teaching Alchemy to a bunch of kids might not sound fun, but neither had joining the military and he'd done that for Al.

"You guys have a library?" Ed asked, and Dumbledore smiled.

"One of the largest in all of Britain," he replied, and Ed stored that in his memory too.

"I'll do it then," Ed grinned. Dumbledore gave him an odd smile, eyes twinkling with mischief. Madam Pomfrey just looked tired.

* * *

Ed woke up from his nap when Snape came back into the wing, carrying several flasks of strange liquid. Hagrid and Dumbledore had left at some point, and the room felt rather ominous as Ed watched the man. Snape caught Ed looking at him as he put them down on his brother's bedside table. Al still hadn't woken up yet, not that Ed blamed him. Even with the sleep that had been acquired through their bond, he had about seven years to catch up on.

"They're to help your brother put on weight faster," the man explained somewhat grumpily.

"Right, thanks," Ed sighed, stretching out his limbs, automail still fully exposed. The man frowned slightly at him before turning towards Pomfrey's office.

"A house elf will be up soon to bring you dinner, it's up to Poppy whether or not she thinks he can eat anything," he announced stalking off to the side room. Ed wasn't sure if the man was being dramatic on purpose or not, but he reminded him a bit of Olivier and Mustang. He also wasn't sure what the hell a house elf was, but at this point he's questioned so little that he's pretty sure some brain cells were lost.

The man eventually stalked back out of the room eyeing him suspiciously, "I don't trust you."

"Why should you?" Ed admitted.

The man hmphed loudly as Poppy came out of her office, strange stick in hand.

"I was hoping he'd wake up on his own, but he really needs to start drinking those," she sighed, muttering something under her breath and waving the stick.

Al's eyes shot open, and he tried to sit up, but ended up back on the bed. "Brother?"

Ed slid off the bed despite Poppy's glares, leaning over his brother's face.

"We're fine Al, we're in a magic school, don't worry about it," Ed said quietly before moving out of Poppy's way and sitting back on the edge of his bed.

"I'm Madame Pomfrey, the nurse at Hogwarts," she introduced herself, picking up one of the flasks. "Now, this will probably taste bad, but it will help you put on weight faster," she apologized, putting the flask down for a moment to get Al sitting up. Al braced his arms against his chest as he was handed the flask, taking a large gulp of the liquid.

His face screwed up from the taste, but instead of spitting it out he broke out into a wide smile, "It's absolutely disgusting!" he announced before downing the whole thing in less than ten seconds. While Ed wished that the first thing Al was able to eat was something from his list, he was just glad Al was even able to keep something down.

Snape frowned at Al's behavior while Pomfrey seemed amused by the strange exchange. "I'd give it a few days before eating solids, but I'll ask the elves to make some broth and soup until then. Start with small frequent servings and work your way up to full meals…" Poppy instructed, putting the empty flask down on the side table. "Once you've worked up to enough calories we can start building up your muscles again. I'm guessing he can't walk on his own?"

"Yeah," Ed sighed.

"Well, it'll take a short while to get a room ready anyway. Hagrid's going into Diagon Alley tomorrow, if you want to get anything from the library to hold yourself over til then you can bring them up here. Madam Pince is still home so make sure to keep track of the books, you won't want to make her angry."

"Get me something?" Al asked.

"Of course I will," Ed grinned, "Uh, how do I get to the library?"

"Severus?" Pomfrey asked. The man looked annoyed, but softened under the woman's eyes.

"Fine, I'll lead the way," the man quickly turned around in another flurry of robes, speed-walking towards the wing exit, "keep up Elric."

Ed quickly hopped off the bed and ran after him, ignoring Pomfrey's cry to be careful. The man was already on a staircase heading up, and he quickly made chase. The man didn't seem to care about slowing down his long strides, and Ed figured he was probably smirking at his inability to keep up. It eventually got to the point where one of the staircases had started moving away from the platform, and rather than admitting defeat as the man glared down at him with a smirk, he launched himself off the edge of the platform, catching himself on the railing with his automail arm, and climbing over onto the staircase.

"I thought Poppy told you to be careful," he sneered.

"I thought you said you'd bring me to the library," Ed sneered back. The man smirked as the staircase stopped again, and they continued back up to the library, with Snape thankfully reducing his speed.

Several staircases later, and several awkward minutes as they had to wait for a staircase to move, they arrived at the library. Snape let him inside, only warning him to stay away from the restricted section before promptly stalking off, leaving Ed to his own devices in the massive library.

Ed quickly got to work trying to find anything to do with the things he'd heard, stacking books up under his automail arm. History of Magic, Hogwarts a History, the Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts, and pretty much anything else that looked like an important textbook. He grabbed a book about "fantastic beasts" for Alphonse to read due to his fascination of animals.

All in all the stack ended up tall enough to block his vision, and he nearly tumbled off the edge of a staircase heading back to the hospital wing. A woman with a literal witch-hat stared at him curiously as he walked past an open classroom, but didn't leave the room as he opened the hospital wing with his leg.

He had to have been in the library than previously thought, and Al was once again asleep, although looking much more peaceful and content then before. Ed quietly placed the book for Al on his nightstand before picking the first book off the stack and immersing himself inside.

* * *

Dumbledore entered the hospital wing the next morning expecting to see both boys still asleep, and instead found both boys intently reading, with Ed sitting on the end of his brother's bed, while Al was laying on his side, with the book propped up by the mattress.

Neither of them looked up when he stopped by them, and found a large stack of books on the nightstand, and an even larger pile on the other bed.

"Alphonse just woke up, but Edwards's been at it for hours," Pomfrey announced, walking out of her office. "I'm not even sure he snaps out of it when he switches books," she joked as a house elf apparated in with a plate of sandwiches and a cup of broth. The plate was placed on the bed and the cup was put on the nightstand.

Both brothers started eating without looking up at all, completely oblivious to the house elf as it apparated away.

"Lockhart's coming later tonight, isn't he?" Poppy asked.

"I believe he's coming after his book signing at Flourish and Blotts, although I wouldn't be surprised if he delayed again. I do have to go to the ministry and inform them of our new class today…"

"Are you sure they'll allow it?"

"Luckily today's the last day to approve curriculum. Besides, with Nicolas and Perenelle soon to pass and the stone destroyed… I would be surprised if they wouldn't take the opportunity after all the trouble they went through trying to get one…" Dumbledore rambled on, catching the look on Poppy's face, "the temptation of immortal life is quite dangerous Poppy, a man will kill thousands to save himself…"

Edward, book still in hand suddenly got up, still ignoring the pair as he walked out of the wing.

"He's done that a lot too," she explained, "I think he finds things and wants to read about them more in depth…"

"Would be a sure Ravenclaw if it weren't for all the injuries, only Gryffindor's get in that much trouble," Dumbledore added. When Ed returned with two more books than he'd left with, Dumbledore had barely been able to get his attention before he dove right back in.

"Hagrid's getting ready to head out soon Mr. Elric, if you wanted to clean up before you went to Diagon Alley, I'd do it now," Dumbledore advised. The boy looked down at himself like he just now realized he was still covered in blood and dirt.

"Right, uh, lead the way."

* * *

He spent a bit longer cleaning up than expected, honestly surprised at the amount of grime that came off, especially through his automail. He'd cleaned it out as best as he could before re-wrapping his arm, and changing into some generic clothes that had been left behind by the students, luckily both long enough to cover his arm and leg, and just thick enough for Ed to steal some fabric to make a glove to cover his right hand.

He braided his hair on the way to Hagrid's hut, which was on the edge of castle grounds towards the forbidden forest.

"I'll drop ya off at Gringott's so ya can get a vault set up, Dumbledore granted you some money til term starts though, so you don' have ta worry bout tha'," Hagrid explained. "Have ta head to Hogsmead and floo over ta Diagon Alley."

Ed understood about half of what was said, which was a major improvement over the day before. It wasn't that long of a walk to a small bar in Hogsmeade, and Hagrid showed off the floo himself, nearly giving Ed a heart attack as he entered the flaming green fireplace with no hesitation, saying "Diagon Alley," clearly before disappearing completely in a rush of flames.

Ed grabbed a small handful hesitantly before following suit, tucking his limbs in as he was shot through the floo network. He eventually stumbled out of another fireplace, Hagrid just catching him before he fell. Ed stared at the quirky alley, watching it wind around far off in the distance in both directions.

"There ya go, wasn't too bad was it?" Hagrid, dusting him off with a rather large hand patting his back. "I'll drop ya off at Gringotts, I gotta pop down to Knockturn Alley real quick, but if I'm not back when your done, I'd head over ta Ollivander's and get a new wand, that'll probably take a while," He said, pointing to a tall narrow building tucked between a few larger ones.

They headed to Gringotts first, the large building towering over everything around it. Ed did his best not to stare at the goblin's when he walked in, especially since he'd given everyone the idea that he knew about the wizarding world in the first place.

"Mr. Elric I presume?" The Goblin asked, taking a wary look at Hagrid as they stopped at one of the many tills. "Dumbledore had us get a vault ready and transferred your first month's salary a bit early," he explained, pulling a gold key out of his pocket and leading Ed into the vaults, and Hagrid left to do his business.

Ed was lead to a large cart on a track, which unfortunately reminded him of a mine cart. All comparisons were quickly dropped as the cart raced down the track, and Ed held on for dear life, laughing the whole way down, to the minor amusement of the goblin. The trip wasn't that far since it was a new vault, and Ed seemed somewhat disappointed at the short length of the journey.

"Whose got vaults all the way down there?" Ed asked, pointing to the long track that descended far below the bank.

"Older wizarding families, purebloods mostly," The goblin replied, opening his vault.

"Bet they don't even enjoy the ride," Ed huffed, opening the pocket of his borrowed robes. The Goblin gave him a snide smile as the door opened. There was a small pile of coins at the bottom of the large vault, about the size of a large textbook.

"I'd take about two-thirds of that based off of what Dumbledore explained," the Goblin said helpfully.

"Right, thanks," Ed said, grabbing two handfuls of the coins and filling his pockets. He had luckily read about the currency during his night long research session. "Are there any shops that just sell fabric?"

"Should be, I'd ask Madam Malkin," The Goblin replied, shutting the vault and handing Ed the key, "don't lose that."

The ride back up to the bank was rather boring compared to the ride down. The Goblin instructed him on the specifics of the vault before letting him go, and Ed headed towards Ollivander's. There was a young girl getting her first wand when he arrived, and he ended up having to wait a good ten minutes, since as far as he could tell, there was no one working but presumably the owner.

The man's crazy white hair and silver eyes heavily contrasted his own appearance, boney white hands putting a box back. "You're not a student are you?"

"No, I need a new wand though," Ed replied looking around the shop.

"No, I think you need your first wand," the man winked looking at his expression, "a bit old, but not the oldest person whose ever walked in," the man explained, waving his wand and muttering an incantation quietly. The blinds in front of the window dropped right before he rolled up Ed's sleeve, revealing the automail. "Fascinating… what kind of metal is it? It's an Alloy definitely, don't think it'll conduct magic very well, better stick with left handed wands," the man muttered, waving his wand again so a tape measurer floated around, taking measurements of almost every part of him it could reach.

The thing eventually flew back to Ollivander, and he observed where it had marked itself. "Hmmm.. guess you're still growing, a bit strange at your age," Ollivander handed him a wand before he could react to the comment about his height. "I'm not sure any of the common core wands will fit you though…"

"What's that mean?" Ed asked, flicking the wand lazily. Several wand boxes shot out of the wall, and he had to duck as one shot over his head.

"The wand chooses the wizard mister?"

"Elric," Ed answered, carefully handing the box back.

"Never heard it before… We'll start out of house. I have a small collection of wands made by other wand makers… some find a better match here or sell back family wands, I have a feeling we'll find more luck with those…" He disappeared into the back of the shop for a while, coming back with an armful of wands.

Ollivander ended up being right about the cores, and luckily only had to try five wands until a blue spark of alchemic energy shot through the air, although he nearly ended up causing an earthquake in the shop with the second one.

"It's an American wand, looks to be co-created from what I can tell, Thunderbird tail feather and Rougarou hair, Acacia wood, fourteen and half inches, slightly yielding… It's a powerful wand Mr. Elric, I'd be careful… It's seven galleons, I'll try and get a more in-depth history of the wand from the seller if I can just to be sure," Mr. Ollivander said, handing Ed the wand's box, Ed put the wand inside before fishing the galleons out of his pocket.

The door opened as Ollivander accepted the coins, and Hagrid ducked under the frame, "There ya are Ed! You got a new wand already?"

"Yeah," Ed replied, holding up the long box.

"Take care Mr. Elric, Hagrid," Ollivander advised as they began to exit, Ed caught the man's eyes flash red, "There are dark times ahead little alchemist… I hope you'll succeed," the man said, his eyes changing back as a blank look overtook his face. "Have a good day," he added, Hagrid having to push Ed out of the shop.

"Wha' was tha'?" Hagrid asked, watching as Ed forced himself to regain a neutral face.

"Don't worry about it," Ed said in a strange tone.

"Right… Well, should go check ou' Flourish and Blotts, and then go get some robes fer you an' Al," Hagrid decided, leading them to the book shop. One of the employees was outside the shop, directing traffic for the book signing.

"Please be careful of all the books," a wizard mumbled as more witches bustled in , arms full of books.

"Do you have any texts about alchemy?" Ed asked, Hagrid standing behind him to stop traffic from hitting them.

"Ah, only a few up the stairs, make sure they know you aren't cutting though, someone nearly lost an ear earlier," he sighed.

"I'd better stay outside, actually, with tha' large of a crowd I'd get in the way. Try not to get too absorbed ya hear?"

Ed sheepishly waved goodbye before entering the shop, quickly dashing through the line to get upstairs.

* * *

He spent a decent amount of time on the upper shop loft, scanning through the five alchemy books they had in stock. Two of them were so old they were almost completely outdated, two of them were just theory books, and the other was by someone who somehow confused transfiguration with transmutation, and still managed to get the book published.

He did end up picking up several more books on magical creatures for Al, and several magazines on modern wizard fashion, just to make sure he transmuted their clothes right later on. There was a large flood of applause for something the author said as Ed checked out his books, and Hagrid ended up having to come inside after all to break up a fight between two adult wizards who had gotten into something of a fistfight.

A large group of wizards left after that, most of them related based on their hair. Hagrid stayed outside, looking somewhat annoyed.

"Darn Malfoys always startin' trouble, the Weasleys… tha ginger ones, good people, but even they gotta snap a' some point."

"Right… Is there a fabric shop around here or just the robe shop?" Ed asked, tucking the books securely under his arm.

"They sell loose fabric there too I think," Hagrid pondered as they walked towards Madam Malkins.

They did end up selling loose fabric there, and Ed got several yards of multiple neutral fabrics, along with a lot of black in different weights and textures, two shades of red, and some dark blue wool fabric that reminded him of the military uniform he'd never worn. He'd actually ended up spending the most money in the shop, also having to pick up shoes for Al.

Hagrid ended up carrying the large bag of fabric since Ed's arms were rather full.

"Do ya want to get a pet?" Hagrid asked, stopping in front of the Menagerie.

"We're allowed to have pets?" Ed asked, peering in through the window. They'd never been able to get one despite Al's desire, not with the way they traveled before.

"Dumbledore's go' a phoenix, I'm sure you can get whatever you'd like," Hagrid smiled.

"I'm not a big pet person but Al's always wanted a cat…" Ed mumbled, pushing open the door. He almost immediately laid eyes upon a large golden cat with dark blue eyes. It glared at him in a way that made him think a wrench was about to be lobbed at his head. "Oh hell…" he grumbled, turning to the closest employee, "how much for this one?"

* * *

Alphonse predictably named the cat Winry, completely contented even though it just slept in his lap. Ed was pretty sure he'd said thank you over a thousand times.

"She's part Kneazle apparently," Ed explained. Al didn't have to pretend to understand what that meant since he'd only really been reading about mythical creatures.

"She's so soft," Al gushed, pulling the cat closer. Ed smiled as he examined the robe magazines, comparing them to what he'd seen normal wizards wearing. Obviously, the outfits in the magazine were fancier, but still had generally the same build. He was glad that wizards seemed to like as many layers as he did.

The first thing he'd made was extremely similar to his normal outfit, the exact same undercoat, a long red coat, slightly duller than his old one, although the inner lining was a bright red. The sleeves were slit at the elbow like he'd seen a lot of people wearing. He'd also had normal black trousers rather than leather, although he just polished his boots. He made several pairs of gloves for himself before going back and making clothes, mostly jackets, pants, and undershirts.

Al picked things from one of the other magazines, mostly picking the neutral fabric and the thick blue wool. Ed purposefully made everything a bit too wide so when he put on weight he wouldn't have to thin the fabric too much.

Pomfrey helped Ed get Al up to the bathroom to clean him off and change his clothes, and leant Ed a pair of scissors to cut his hair short, back to where he'd worn it when he was young. After about two days of the strange potions Al, while he didn't really look much bigger, had clearly gained some weight, with the jut of his bones less graphic than before.

"Ed, what's going on?" Alphonse asked, now that they were finally alone.

"I'm not sure, this world doesn't seem to have any sense of equivalent exchange… The truth possessed a wand maker to tell me that dark times were coming… I still don't know why he sent us but… we definitely need to keep an eye out and learn everything we can, without letting anyone know that we didn't know anything in the first place. They know we didn't go to school for 'magic' but that will only cover so much."

"Do you think the kids will be able to learn alchemy?"

"Not sure, this world is connected to our world in some way… but it's definitely not the same place…"

* * *

Ed carried Al down the stairs, but helped him walk to the hospital wing. Dumbledore was talking to the witch with the hat when they finally got inside, with Winry sitting on the woman's lap.

"Edward, I would like to introduce you to Minerva McGonagall, the transfigurations professor, Minerva, this is Edward Elric, and his brother Alphonse, he's our newly approved Alchemy professor," Dumbledore introduced. Al waved for both of them since Ed was holding him up.

Minerva eyed them curiously as Ed picked his brother up and put him down on the bed. She'd obviously seen his automail during his many trips to the library, but didn't say anything as Winry jumped off her lap, and sat right back down in Alphonse's.

"And how old are you Edward?"

"Sixteen, Al's Fifteen, Ed answered, sitting down at the edge of Al's bed.

"Might I ask about your family?" The woman asked, with a somewhat knowing look on her face.

"Mom died when we were young, same thing Al had… Dad left right before she got sick… seen him a few times since then but..." Ed shrugged, "We lived with the neighbors for a long time, ended up traveling a lot to see doctors," he added, somewhat untruthfully.

"I'm sorry about that," Minerva said with a sad smile, "did you get sick as well?"

"No, there was a bit of a civil dispute outside the small village we lived in, someone bombed the train tracks… I got caught by it," Ed said, and convincingly rubbed his stump as he lied. They both frowned in sympathy.

Snape suddenly stormed into the room, a large frown on his face. "Lockhart has come to drop off his "necessary" belongings," he sneered, sarcasm dripping off every word.

Ed was planning on carrying Al outside but didn't have to, watching the house elves struggle to carry a parade of items down the hall.

"I know we came with only the clothes from your back but that seems… excessive," Al mumbled to Ed, who nodded with agreement. The parade was eventually just pictures of the man himself, who Ed recognized from the book signing.

"I didn't think anyone could be more vain than Mustang… yet here we are," Ed grumbled, watching several elves struggle with a full wardrobe full of clothes, even with levitation charms.

"That is quite… excessive…" Minerva agreed with a frown on her face as a couch floated by.

"I suppose I never told him not to bring his entire house," Dumbledore joked.

Gilderoy Lockhart walked past before stopping and backing up, "Ah, is my welcoming party in here? A bit drab," he laughed, although Ed was pretty sure the man wasn't joking.

"I was just introducing Minerva to our new Alchemy Professor, Mr. Elric," Dumbledore explained, pointing his hand towards Ed.

The two blondes sized each other up, Gilderoy thinking he was more powerful while Ed knew that he was.

"Alchemy huh, just a theory class I presume? After all everyone knows it's become a dead art-" Gilderoy spoke smugly, pausing when Ed launched himself over the bed railing, clapping his hands in the air and slapping his hands down on the stone floor. The stone sparked before reforming into a large full scale model of Hogwarts, all the way from the forbidden forest to the lake.

"I've only seen the outside twice, but I think it's pretty accurate," Ed replied smugly, watching Lockhart's, Minerva's, and Snape's eyes widen drastically. Dumbledore and Al just looked rather amused.

"Incredible," Minerva gasped, "I've never seen Transfiguration do anything like this…"

"Alchemy is quite a wondrous thing isn't it…" Dumbledore remarked, "I'm sure it will start as a theory class at first of course, but I can't wait to see if anyone will be well versed by the end of the year." Ed clapped his hands again, smoothing the floor back to how it'd been, blending in perfectly with the rest of the floor. "Speaking of which Minerva, do you think you can help Mister Elric plan his lessons. I'm sure he knows what he's teaching, but he might need a bit help getting the pacing right for each year… How long do you think it'll take to teach them?"

"Me and my brother picked it up pretty quickly… but with other classes and trying to get them to the point where they can create their own circles over time… probably three years minimum…"

"First years through fifth years then," Dumbledore rectified, watching rather amusedly as Gilderoy dropped to his knees, feeling the floor for imperfections.

"I'd be happy to work with you Edward," Minerva smiled daintily. Ed grinned in response, sitting back on the end of Al's bed. Winry eyed Gilderoy on the ground for a moment before leaping off of Al's lap with an impressive long jump, landing directly on the man's shoulder. Gilderoy yelped as the cat dug into his back, and took off out of the Hospital Wing, following the elves, that were still carrying his belongings through the hall.

Winry strutted back in the room a minute later, hopping back on Al's bed before curling up on his lap. Ed stroked the cat with his gloved hand, feeling the cat purr happily, grins stretched out on both of their faces, "Good cat."


	2. Minerva - The Mom Friend

**Authors Note: Oh yeah also I don't own this stuff, and that applies to all chapters before and after this note. Also don't worry about the weird ass chapter names, it just makes it easier to make sure I'm uploading the right one.**

* * *

Edward and Alphonse were a strange fixture in the castle, adding a small student element to the school without any actual students there. Both of the boys read almost constantly when they weren't planning the alchemy course, or sleeping. Minerva was half tempted to have the boys try the sorting hat just to sate some of her curiosity, but wasn't sure how the boys would react to the hat.

While neither of the boys particularly reacted to anything they'd seen at Hogwarts, she had personally gotten to see the boys meet ghosts for the first time while sitting in her classroom.

They had been working on pacing for a week at that point, struggling to balance the actual transmutation with the required theory of the class. Most classes benefited from the lack of knowledge behind them, allowing the children to not overthink and get the spells done. But with alchemy there was a danger to being ignorant. While rebounded spells just send the intended effect back to yourself, alchemy rebounds simply attack back at the creator with little regard to how complicated the actual transmutation started as.

The boys were bouncing back scheduling plans, both of them sitting on top of desks like the chairs were somehow undesirable, when the Grey Lady floated through the wall, right in front of Alphonse.

It turned out reading about ghosts and seeing ghosts were two completely different things, and despite his frail stature, he managed to flail his arm back hard enough to knock his brother right off the desk.

Ed hit the ground with an audible muffled clang, clutching his head with his flesh hand.

"Brother!" Al gasped, looking rather guilty until Ed popped back up off the ground, grinning.

"Nice to see you still hit harder than me," he laughed. The ghost smiled at the two boys, waving goodbye to Minerva before sliding through the wall on the other side of the room.

"I think first-year muggle-born's will have the biggest advantage in the class," Al said as his brother sat back down on the table. Minerva nodded for him to continue, "From what we could find in the library and flourish and blotts, there doesn't seem to be any knowledge of basic chemistry… but the few muggle studies books we found at least two of them had periodic tables…"

"Ancient runes students should have an advantage too… even if they're different runes they'll still have a better understanding of it…"

The boys muttered to each other for another hour, trying to figure out all the strengths and weaknesses that would affect learning skill, deciding what had to be explained in the beginning and what could be explained later on as they were physically doing transmutations. Minerva pointed out spots where the curriculum would likely have to be slowed down, or even sped up depending on the year, agreeing that first through third years would have an easier time getting the theory down while fourth and fifth years would probably gain the most technical skill.

The boys would always continue until the second Al's stomach growled or he began to yawn, and Ed would immediately stop what he was doing to help his brother get back to the hospital wing. After that she could usually find him either renovating the classroom and living quarters they'd been given on the second floor, or curled up on the floor somewhere in the library.

One day she looked out the window to find the young man chopping down trees, not with alchemy or magic, but with an axe and his own two hands.

By the time she'd gotten down the stairs and out to the edge of the forest, Hagrid had already taken up watching the boy.

"How long has he been doing that?" she asked, watching him sink the axe deep into the trunk of the tree.

"Only abou' an hour today…. I'm no' sure what he's doing with tha wood though," Hagrid answered. Ed hit the tree again with enough force that the tree was only held on by a thin splinter of wood, slicing through the last section with ease and kicking the tree so it landed in the field, landing harmlessly with a loud thud.

"Didn't Madam Pomfrey want _both_ of you boys to take it easy?" Minerva asked as Ed panted, bangs falling into his face as he turned towards her.

"I'm just getting class materials ready… although some of it's going into the desks and chairs to fix them up a bit," Ed explained as he began hacking the long tree into smaller pieces.

"You know the house elves will help you with that if you asked?" She inquired, but Ed just shook his head.

"I'm pretty sure Lockhart's running them ragged as it is," he joked, "It's honestly a bit hard to imagine someone so lazy doing as much as he claims in his books…"

"Edward…" Minerva sighed, although she had a faint grin on her face, "you can't keep insulting your coworkers."

"If I were insulting my coworkers I'd call Snape the child of a dementor, a bat, and the grease vat in the kitchens," he joked, and Hagrid disguised a small chuckle as a cough, "I'm just saying… he doesn't really seem the type to be running around helping _other_ people." And with that, Ed picked up two rather large sections of log, tucking them under his arms and hiking up to the castle.

"Strange boy tha' one," Hagrid grinned, "Wonder how tha' students will handle 'im."

"You mean how he'll handle the students?" Minerva questioned. Hagrid just smiled and headed back to his hut.

* * *

Minerva watched Ed and Al pass by her classroom for the fifth time, seemingly doing laps around the floor. With the help of Snape's potions Alphonse had gained weight over the last two weeks, upgrading his physique from near skeleton to slightly under-stuffed scarecrow.

Ed had mentioned that he wanted Al to be able to walk without his assistance by the start of term, although he clearly didn't overestimate his brother's recovery based on the rather decorative wooden cane hanging off the end of Al's bed in the hospital wing.

Ed himself had technically moved into their room on the second floor, although he seemed very intent on spending most of the day with his brother. The boys nearly tripped over Lockhart's extravagant robes as he passed by, using each other to rebalance themselves. They only spent a moment to look at the man annoyed before resuming back to their laps. She rolled her eyes thinking about the ridiculous man before returning to scheduling classes.

Minerva looked up from her desk several minutes later when she heard an ominous cackling from the hall. Peeves. She quickly got up from her desk, hoping to minimize whatever chaos started.

Peeves had found the Elric brothers by the time she got out, And Ed had put Al down when the poltergeist started throwing water balloons.

"Looks like we've got a little student-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' SO SHORT HE CAN'T CATCH YOU HOVERING TWO INCHES ABOVE THE FLOOR!" Ed shouted in outrage, transmuting the floor and launching himself towards the ghost. Minerva was completely baffled by the behavior, although Alphonse didn't seem all that surprised as his brother punched the creature.

"BROTHER, HE DIDN'T SAY THAT!" Al yelled as the poltergeist flew away screaming. Even though Ed couldn't fly he took chase after the creature, running up the staircase. Minerva walked over to where Alphonse was sitting on the floor, eyebrow raised in question. "Oh, brother doesn't like people bringing up his height," Al explained, rather lacklusterly.

"I hadn't noticed," Minerva replied dryly. Alphonse laughed quietly in response.

"He is still getting taller… just… slowly," Al added, "one of the doctors we saw thought it might have to do with his arm and leg…"

Minerva frowned at the thought, she was already somewhat concerned about the limbs themselves, but the idea that they were negatively impacting the rest of his body…

"Don't tell him I told you that… he doesn't like me worrying about him…" Al requested, and she replied with a slow nod.

Ed came back about six minutes later, panting with exhaustion and annoyance. "Sorry about that Al," he sighed, helping his brother back on his feet.

"It's fine, I was getting tired anyway-"

"Why didn't you say something?" Ed shouted, quickly escorting his brother back to the hospital wing. Minerva couldn't help but chuckle at their antics.

* * *

While the boys were out visiting Hagrid for tea, Minerva made her way to the hospital wing, more specifically, Poppy's side office. The woman seemed to be making a list of things she needed restocking, Alphonse's cat curled up on the window sill.

"Oh, hello Minerva, can I help you with anything?" Poppy asked, putting down her quill.

"Not me… I was wondering if you had any opinion on Edward's… limbs-" Minerva asked, watching as Poppy's face frowned.

"I think they're utterly barbaric… I don't know of any Muggle or Wizard who could do something like that, or even want to do such a thing," she seethed somewhat quietly. "But I don't think there's much I can do… there's a chance I could regrow them… but with the injuries being so old and the surgery it would take just to get the metal ones off, including all the support built on and inside his body-" she paused at her confused look.

"The leg's not as bad as the arm, but they both must weigh at least twice as much as a normal limb. The arms bolted on in several visible places, not including that port that goes in his body… it has to be attached to several ribs at the least… I could take the whole thing off to try and regrow the limbs, but I'm not sure I'd be able to reattach the whole mechanism again if it didn't work," she explained. Minerva felt even more distressed than she had earlier.

"So just leave them be?"

"I'm sure there's _something_ I could do, but he won't ask," she frowned. "Why were you asking anyway Minerva?"

"Alphonse mentioned that his growth was being stunted by the weight of them," She explained, and Poppy frowned more.

"I might be able to do something about that… I doubt he'd let me though," She said quietly. "If you do see him in pain though, please inform me, I know he won't come on his own."

Minerva nodded at her request, "It was good speaking to you Poppy."

"You too Minerva… Oh and if you see Lockhart-" Winry hissed in response to the name "-tell him to stop running the house elves to the ground, they're going to collapse at this rate."

* * *

Edward was nursing a bruise on his forehead the last time he came down to finish planning out his classes, with a sour look on his face.

"The librarian's back," he explained, "I scared her by accident, and she threw a book at my head. She's got damn good aim though, I'll give her that."

"Ah yes… Madam Pince is very particular about her library… she wouldn't be expecting anyone to be in there since the students don't arrive until next week."

"I feel bad for the students," Ed huffed. Minerva rolled her eyes as the boy slid over his last draft. Since it was technically a first-year course for everyone who could take it, they had still decided to divide it by year, weighing the theory and practical lessons for different periods of time based on that.

"It looks good Edward, of course there's no telling how it will go until you're actually teaching it, but for the most part, it will hold up nicely," Minerva said, and Edward beamed as she handed back the plans. "I'll have schedules done by tonight, although there will still be a small revision period for the teachers that aren't arriving until school begins."

Ed nodded as Gilderoy burst in through the doorway, "I was just about to ask about that!" He beamed, smiling just a bit too wide, "Oh hello Edward, didn't see you there."

Minerva managed to cast the silencing charm just in time, and luckily Gilderoy had left before he could see Ed silently scream at him. When he had calmed down enough, she canceled the spell.

"Thanks," he mumbled under his breath.

"I honestly don't get why Albus hired that man, he was always rather vain, even as a child."

"Wait, you taught him?" Ed asked, surprised.

"I've been teaching here for the last thirty-six years," she answered, watching Ed's eyebrows shoot up.

"No way, you've been teaching here forever!" he squeaked, and she laughed.

"I also went here as a child, Gryffindor house… although I was nearly put in Ravenclaw, the hat stalled for quite a time."

"What house was Lockhart in?" Ed asked.

"He was in Ravenclaw… although I had heard rumors that the hat nearly put him in Slytherin," She replied, "he was a good student, I don't know how much stuck with him though."

"The sorting hat… It's just enchanted right?" Ed mumbled.

"It was enchanted rather exquisitely by each of the founders yes, why?"

"I was just wondering," he backpedaled, grabbing his notes, "I should go, I think Al wanted to check out the greenhouse now that the herbology professors back."

"Have a good time."

"Thanks." She watched the boy leave her classroom, and saw him another minute later carrying his brother down the stairs. She thought about the hat for a moment before scoffing, it was an enchanted hat and nothing more.

* * *

She and Severus drank their tea at the Hufflepuff table (Since the staff table was being wiped down), watching the house elves, and Edward, clean the great hall for the feast that night. He insisted on helping, even if Minerva thought he was using it as an excuse to get a better look at the enchanted ceiling.

"Looks like the monkey child is fitting in," Severus sneered. Minerva rolled her eyes at the comment and took another sip of her tea.

"He's not that bad Severus," she said, watching Edward climb up near the rafters, tapping a candle out of his way.

"You're right, Lockhart is worse," He muttered, and she playfully smacked his shoulder. "You don't just find an Alchemy professor sleeping on a dirt path Minerva," he warned.

"You've heard nothing?" she whispered.

"Nothing at all," he added bitterly, taking another sip of tea.

"Then you should be worrying about your own classes," she said dryly as Dumbledore glided in, making his way towards them.

"Enjoying your morning?" He asked, sitting down on the opposite side. "I stopped by the hospital wing, Alphonse was asleep, but I'm not quite sure what Edward is up to." Snape pointed behind him without looking up, and Dumbledore followed the line to where Ed was currently sidling around the very edge of rafters. "Ah, there he is," he said, a twinkle in his eye.

Dumbledore poured himself a cup of tea, pausing the conversation. "Alphonse has decided to sit at one of the student tables at the feast tonight, I don't think he's particularly fond of attention." One of the house elves handed a piece of paper off to Dumbledore before returning to his work. "Ah the seating chart... thank you."

"Looks like Edward is stuck next to Lockhart," Snape added, grinning.

"We're still in hearing distance Severus," Minerva tutted back. Dumbledore looked at both of them with a sly glare.

"Not getting along well with Gilderoy, I presume?"

"From our limited encounters, no," Minerva frowned, "I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt."

"I think he's an idiot," Snape drawled. Minerva slapped him lightly again, oblivious to Edward climbing down the wall behind Dumbledore.

"Who's an idiot?" Ed asked jumping to the floor. Minerva and Snape both jumped, while Dumbledore just grinned.

"No one's an idiot, we're just discussing Professor Lockhart," Dumbledore explained, while Ed frowned skeptically.

"Are you _sure_ he's not an idiot?" Ed asked, Severus hiding a grin behind his teacup as Ed sat down next to Dumbledore.

"He was a Ravenclaw, I'm sure he has retained some common knowledge," Dumbledore joked, "Speaking of which, I was wondering if you and your brother wanted to be sorted, it's not required, but I figured it would be fun to know."

Edward frowned for a moment, thinking, "What the hat sees is confidential, right?"

"The hat does have charms to prevent it from revealing what it's seen, yes," Dumbledore agreed, face shifting to something more neutral. "We wouldn't do it in front of the students either."

Ed thought for another moment, "I'll ask Al when he wakes up," he agreed, taking his leave.

"Hiding something," Severus muttered under his breath.

Minerva slapped him again.

* * *

As Minerva entered the great hall the tables were already quiet, staring out the windows where a loud noise had erupted from outside. Ginny Weasley was scanning Gryffindor table, where Harry Potter and Ron Weasley had seemingly never arrived. Percy Weasley had told Hagrid, who had told her when the first years arrived at the castle.

Hermione looked frazzled, sitting with Neville and the Weasley twins.

Alphonse was sitting towards the staff end of Ravenclaw table, seemingly alone with a large book on magical plants. Edward was looking straight ahead with an annoyed book on his face, seemingly trying to block out Lockhart with quiet fury. Severus had gotten out of his seat, and was inching somewhat invisibly towards the doors of the great hall.

She put the sorting hat down on the stool, and watched the student's reactions as it sang. Luckily it was another simple song, no subtle warnings about anything. Alphonse was staring intently from the Ravenclaw table, and she assumed Edward was doing the same thing from the Staff table.

Sorting began as usual, with her placing the hat on the first child's head, and the other first years looking on in curiosity.

There weren't many hatstalls, the longest belonging to Luna Lovegood, the strange pale girl who had been standing with Ginny, who in comparison barely had the hat touch her head before shouting Gryffindor. Snape had slinked back to the Staff table by the time sorting had finished, standing behind her chair, moving aside only as she neared.

"Potter and Weasley have finally deigned to arrive," he drawled, "Crashing a flying car into the Whomping Willow was certainly quite an entrance.

Minerva paled, and left to join Severus, but not before asking Edward to save her some dinner.


	3. Hermione - Detective Conan

**Authors Note: I'm channeling AVPM Ron for this and noone can stop me**

* * *

"Do you think it has to do with Harry and Ron?" Hermione asked, watching the two teachers disappear.

"Probably," Fred agreed.

"I can't wait to hear what they did," George grinned as Dumbledore got up out of his chair, although the smile on his face was somewhat diminished by his glare at the door where the other two teachers had left.

"Welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announced, "Before we begin the banquet, I'd like to say a few words. Lemon! Petrichor! Odyssey!-" he turned towards a boy in casual clothes sitting at Ravenclaw table, "Hoenheim! Thank you!"

The food appeared on the plates as usual, but Dumbledore strode through the center aisle towards the doors of the great hall. Hermione turned to the head table, where an unidentified teacher, who looked slightly spooked by the last word, was trying to act neutral.

"Hoenheim?" Hermione questioned.

"No idea," Fred shrugged, plopping mashed potatoes on his plate.

"Look it up in the library," George added, grabbing chicken.

Hermione ate rather slowly, without Harry and Ron it was a bit boring, although Ginny tried to make conversation a few times, she stuttered a few times, clearly still on edge from the sorting. She began to hear rumors as dinner went on, originating from the Slytherin table. According to them Harry and Ron were expelled for crashing a flying car.

The young professor occasionally looked towards Ravenclaw table to the boy, who was reading a large book with Luna Lovegood sat right next to him. Hermione thought they might be brothers, but couldn't figure out why he was sitting at that table.

By the time desert came around there was still no sign of Harry or Ron, even though Snape and Dumbledore had returned right after it was served, and McGonagall minutes after that, sitting right down in between Snape and the new Professor, who looked like he'd much rather punch Gilderoy Lockhart than eat desert.

Eventually the desert disappeared as well, and the hall fell quiet as Dumbledore rose again.

"Now, some words now that we've all eaten, standard start-of-term notices. First years should know that the forbidden forest on the grounds is forbidden to all students, and Mr. Filch wishes to remind you that magic should not be used in the halls between classes.

Quidditch trials will be held in the third week of the term, anyone interested should see Madame Hooch. And finally, I would like to introduce our new Professors. Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart is taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts this year," Lockhart stood where he sat, grinning charmingly and waving professionally.

"And Mr. Edward Elric is introducing a new core class for first through fifth years, Alchemy," He announced, and the young man stood rather sharply, giving a curt wave before dropping back to his seat. "Don't worry, you didn't forget a textbook," Dumbledore joked looking at the few panicked faces in the crowd, including Hermione.

"Alchemy, like Nicolas Flamel Alchemy?" Neville whispered.

Hermione took another look at Professor Elric, who still looked rather ready to punch Lockhart, "I don't know, I didn't think anyone knew Alchemy anymore."

"And now before we head to our rooms, let us sing our favorite song!"

As always only about a third of the school sang the school song, with the twins singing their funeral march and several muggleborns at the Hufflepuff table singing the YMCA song.

The boys got the password from Percy, and took off to get to the common room before the first years blocked the path. Hermione took her time getting up, watching Professor Elric sit down next to the boy she assumed was his brother, and became just as engrained in the book as he and Luna had been earlier.

The hall was nearly empty by the time she left, a few straggling Hufflepuff's still singing along and finishing up the deserts they stole from the plates before everything was vanished away.

The stairs were luckily empty other than a few stragglers like herself, and it only took a few minutes to get to the Gryffindor common room. Harry and Ron were standing in front of the Fat Lady, clearly attempting to guess the password.

" _There_ you are! Someone said you'd been expelled for crashing a flying car-"

"We haven't been expelled Hermione," Harry assured.

"So the flying car is also out of the question?" Hermione asked, hands on hips. Both the boys sheepishly avoided answering. "Guys-"

"We know Hermione, the teachers have already given us detention," Ron rolled his eyes at her annoyed look, "besides we didn't miss anything- McGonagall already told us Ginny got Gryffindor-"

"Actually we have a new class this year, Alchemy," Hermione cut him off. Harry and Ron both looked surprised.

"Like, Philosopher's stone alchemy?" Harry asked.

"Noone knows, it's a really young guy too, Professor Elric. I think he's got a brother here, but I didn't see him get sorted."

"Weird…" Harry mumbled, as Hermione said 'wattlebird' and the Fat lady's portrait swung open to a loud applause. Hermione sighed, at the house's reaction. Those boys would never learn.

* * *

Hermione slid _Voyages with Vampires_ out of her way as she accepted her schedule, ears still ringing from Mrs. Weasley's harsh howler. Errol still laid unconscious on the table despite the racket.

"We don't have Alchemy till Monday," she frowned. Of course, it was a double period with Slytherin, their luck never seemed to hold out with that, but she had been hoping to have it in the next few days.

"Yeah but we have Lockhart today," Ron said in a somewhat mocking tone. Hermione picked up a bread roll and lightly tossed it at his face.

"Ginny and the twins have it Friday… I'll have to ask them how it goes."

* * *

When they arrived at Greenhouse 3, sans Harry, who'd been whisked away by Lockhart, Hermione was surprised to see the gaunt golden-haired boy from the Ravenclaw table, reading the same book from last night, which could now be identified as being about plants.

Luckily the boy broke from his reading spell as the class came in, looking at everyone in mild interest.

"Alright before we begin today I'd like to introduce Professor Elric's younger brother Alphonse, he was curious in Herbology so I agreed to have him sit in on some of my classes today," Professor Sprout introduced. The boy gave a shy wave before returning to his book. "Now while we wait for Professor Lockhart to finish with Mr. Potter, can I get someone to help handout earmuffs?"

Neville took the job, and once Harry had come back in and questions had been asked, everyone lined up in front of the Mandrakes, including Alphonse Elric, who was rather shakily holding himself up with a wooden cane next to one of the Hufflepuff boys on the other side of the table. Professor Sprout put one of the larger pairs of earmuffs on the gold boy's head before rolling up her sleeves and yanking up on the plant.

The root-like baby screamed as soon as it was pulled out of the earth, and Professor Sprout quickly plunged it into a bigger pot already filled with dirt. She gave a thumbs up for everyone to remove their earmuffs, pulling off her and Alphonse's.

"Since our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries will only knock you out, but as they grow it becomes much more important to keep your earmuffs on," she warned. "Four of you to a tray, plenty of Mandrakes for everyone, pots over here, compost in the sacks over there-" she slapped a spikey dark red plant that was reaching over her shoulder, "And watch the Venomous Tentacula, it's teething."

She, Harry, and Ron were joined by Alphonse and the Hufflepuff boy with curly hair.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley," he introduced himself. Sprout brought Alphonse a tall stool to sit on instead of standing, and the boy looked much more stable. Her and Justin had a discussion about Professor Lockhart, but Harry and Ron seemed pleased when Alphonse rolled his eyes at nearly the same time as them.

Hermione and Justin struggled with one mandrake while Harry and Ron struggled with another. Alphonse stared at the plants intently as they worked, eyeing everything from the plants toes to the viney pattern on the leaves, only taking his eyes off to swat away the Tentacula as it tried to grab her by her hair.

They passed Professor Elric as they headed to the castle to wash up, probably going to get his brother.

"Is that the Alchemy Professor?" Harry asked, trying to wipe dirt off his glasses, but only smudging it more.

"Yes, that was his brother in class Harry," Hermione explained.

"Wasn't he in Hufflepuff?" Harry asked.

"I don't think he's actually a student. I think he's just here because of his brother," she shrugged, "It doesn't look like he can really get around on his own."

"Yeah, I'll say, what do you think's wrong with him?" Ron asked, and Hermione slapped him.

"Don't say things like that Ron!" She hissed, turning back to look back at the greenhouse. Alphonse and his brother were walking out quite literally together, with the older boy holding him up as he walked. While Hermione hadn't asked out loud, she was curious as to what had happened to the boy.

* * *

Professor Elric and his brother were both sitting at Ravenclaw table when they arrived at lunch, both once again buried in a large book, although it looked different than the one from earlier.

"I don't blame him if he has to sit next to Lockhart," Ron joked, earning another slap from Hermione.

"Honestly Ron, he seems like a very talented wizard-"

"He seems like a very talented git," Ron joked, raising his hand and Harry met him with a high-five.

"Ronald…" she sighed exasperated. She listened around for anyone talking about the Alchemy class, but she didn't hear a word. Maybe he hadn't taught a class yet.

They'd all finished eating and headed outside for the last fifteen minutes of lunch. She buried herself back into _Voyages with Vampires,_ ignoring the boys as they got rowdier and rowdier, only closing her book when Ron looked about to curse Malfoy, with Lockhart already walking down the steps.

"Look out!" She hissed, and the boys quickly stopped, looking at the Professor with Apprehension. Professor Elric and his brother arrived shortly after, either coming to check out the commotion or heading to another round in the greenhouse.

Lockhart quickly took to Harry's side, rambling on about himself while pretending to talk about Harry. She ignored them in favor of watching the Elric's hobble down the steps in perfect sync.

"Oh yes Edward, I was wondering if you wanted to sit in on one of my classes, I know you don't have a class until four-"

"No," he answered quickly, continuing with his brother towards the greenhouses, confirming Hermione's suspicions.

"Oh he'll come around eventually," Lockhart said with a casual smile. He led Harry, and in association, Ron and herself up to his classroom on the first floor.

"Man I wish I could just say 'No' and skip this class," Ron joked as Lockhart left to open a window.

"Ron…"

"Harry, you should've seen your face, if it'd gotten any hotter I could've fried an egg on it," he joked, "Maybe Creevey and Ginny can form the Harry Potter fan club."

"Oh, shut up," Harry grumbled, face planting into his large pile of books. Ron snickered while Hermione rolled her eyes.

* * *

The boys, and most of the rest of their class, were still fuming at dinner, nicks and cuts covering a decent amount of them. Neville seemed to be the only one who didn't care, but he was having an in depth discussion about plants with Alphonse, and Luna from Ravenclaw, who didn't seem to care that she wasn't at the right table. Professor Elric didn't seem to be at any of the tables, and both the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables seemed to be down a few students.

"Alphonse, what time do your brother's classes go to?"

"Huh, oh his last class had dinner early, there wasn't a lot of room to squeeze third years in because of all the electives they're signed up for," he explained, Hermione still couldn't place the accent, it sounded mostly American, but still slightly off.

"Do you have to wait here till then?" She asked concernedly.

"Oh no, Hagrid was going to bring me to his hut for tea," he assured.

"Yeah cuz Hagrid's the best," Ron added. "I'd rather have him teach Defense than Lockhart."

"Ron would you give it up," She sighed.

"I think it would be more physical defense than magical, but I don't disagree," Alphonse joked quietly. Ron and Harry grinned at the comment, and she rolled her eyes.

She groaned to herself, "I'll be in the library if you need me."

* * *

Her research had found nothing, no mentions of Hohenheim in any books she'd looked at, and the Alchemy section of the library was pitiful. She frowned at the realization, but moved onto other things.

Ten minutes before the library was set to close, Hermione packed up her things, just barely far away enough from the door as it was kicked open, revealing a pair of legs and an obscenely tall tower of books that much more looked like a loose interpretation of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Madam Pince looked annoyed at the arrival, and only once he'd walked past did she figure out it was Professor Elric. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know where they all go so don't throw your duster at me."

The Professor walked away with a faint echo and small limp, and Hermione exited the library. Alphonse wasn't in the hallway so either Ed had brought him back to wherever their room was or he was still at Hagrid's.

The door was kicked open again as she got to the end of the hall, and Edward exited the library with a new stack of books, just as tall as the last. She made it to the stairs just in time for them to start turning, but it seemed Professor Elric was heading downstairs anyway.

Harry and Ron were still in the common room when she got to Gryffindor tower, trying to re-tape Ron's wand.

"Ron I don't think it's going to work-"

"It would if you _believed_ Harry," Ron spat back sarcastically.

"Are you sure none of the teachers can do anything?" Hermione asked.

"McGonagall mentioned Professor Elric I think, but we don't have him 'til Monday right?" Harry asked, and Hermione nodded.

"Maybe Alphonse knows how to fix it?" Hermione questioned.

"Yeah maybe," Ron shrugged, stretching his arms and legs out, still sitting on the couch. "Well, I'm exhausted," he got up, Harry following suit, "Night Hermione."

"Night Ron, Night Harry," she waved, heading up to her own dormitory.


	4. Harry - Curse the Title Limit

As it turned out, Alphonse did know that his brother could fix it, and took notes on Ron's wand, saying he'd need to research the components, and that he should be able to fix it before class on Monday.

"As long as you know what it's made of you can fix it with Alchemy… I'm not too sure about how the core would be affected though, maybe we can send an owl to Ollivander and ask," Alphonse said, before politely turning back to his conversation with Neville.

"Yesssss," Ron sighed, "Now mum won't kill me."

"What if he can't fix it?" Harry asked, taking another bite of his bagel.

"What if you _shut up_ ," Ron replied jokingly.

They were reminded very much of his wand's vulnerability when it accidently shot out of Ron's hand during Charms the next morning, hitting Professor Flitwick squarely in the forehead. Hermione didn't seem to notice though, instead pouncing on poor Ginny as she exited the Alchemy classroom. Harry and Ron left her behind knowing how long she'd spend pestering Ginny.

They'd luckily had a free block after charms anyway, and went outside, losing their robes on the grass and plopping down on top of them. Ron took one look at his charms homework before looking at his wand and tossing both over his shoulder lazily. Hermione showed up fifteen minutes later, looking halfway between intrigued and annoyed.

"Ginny said they didn't do much since it was a normal block," she sighed. "She said he used a lot of circles though, and didn't use his wand at all when he did alchemy."

"Circles?" Harry questioned.

"She didn't describe it that well," she frowned, "Fred and George should have double Alchemy later though… I just hope they pay attention."

"If they think they can prank with it they might," Ron shrugged.

When they made it to dinner later that night Hermione dive bombed at the twins, interrupting their conversation with Lee Jordan.

"Professor Elric's weird," George started.

"But at least he isn't Lockhart." Fred agreed, grinning as Hermione rolled her eyes.

"We're joking Hermione," George laughed. They heard a loud wooden thunk as Professor Elric face planted at the staff table, and they noticed Lockhart seemingly blathering on about something, oblivious to the fact that Ed had seemingly tried to knock himself out. McGonagall was looking down at him in a weird way, seemingly deciding whether or not to join him. Snape looked annoyed as well, looking like he'd rather be somewhere else. Harry saw something in their glasses that looked suspiciously like wine.

"Although Professor Ed really doesn't like him," Fred grinned, watching the scene play out.

"Lockhart came in trying to interrupt class and Elric sealed the whole wall shut," George added.

"You mean the door?" Ron asked.

"No Ickle Ronnikins, he straight up merged the walls together and the door disappeared, then he said that it was a practical demonstration and only put the door back when Angelina asked to go to the bathroom," Fred laughed.

"You should've seen Lockhart's face," George agreed.

"Looks like he's getting his revenge now though," Fred added. Harry watched McGonagall slide the maybe wine towards Professor Elric.

"Ginny said something about circles?"

"Oh right, you don't use your wands, you use these circle things, and you put different things in the circles depending what kind of alchemy you're trying to do, runes and lines and things like that," George explained.

"It doesn't seem all that quick, but he said he knew a guy who tattooed a bunch of them on his arms so he could do it whenever he wanted," Fred added, grinning at the horrified look on her face, "He told us not to do it, and then told us you could also wear them on jewelry and on gloves and stuff. He's probably got some stitched somewhere since he didn't draw anything when he kicked Lockhart out. "

Hermione calmed down after that, but still looked rather excited. "I wonder what he'll have us do?"

"Sounds like a boring version of transfiguration," Ron grumbled.

"Now don't sell it short brother-" George tutted.

"It's technically wandless magic-" Fred continued

"Which you'll need to know how to do soon by the looks of it," They said at the same time, pointing at Ron's half-hazard wand.

"Besides you'll get it when you actually see him do it," George guaranteed before the brothers went back to talking with Angelina. Professor Elric banged his head on the staff table again, and luckily for his brain, Dumbledore excused him from sitting at the staff table. Rather than getting up and walking around, he vaulted right over the table, jogging to where his brother was sitting at the Ravenclaw table.

"Looks like Elric finally escaped," Ron joked.

"He isn't that bad," Hermione complained, pausing as she watched McGonagall look longingly at the Ravenclaw table.

"Are you sure about that? I mean it's only been three days since school started," Harry questioned.

"I think some of the teachers stay here year-round," Neville added as he sat down.

"Rest in Peace then," Ron snickered.

"They're probably just getting used to each other, besides I don't think Professor Lockhart's ever taught before-"

"Hermione, Ed's like thirteen based on his height and he managed to get Fred and George interested-" Ron paused as his brothers and Lee slid over

"Ooh brother I wouldn't bring up you-know-who's height-" Fred warned.

"Peeves did it once during the summer and now he's terrified of him," George agreed.

"Peeves is only scared of the Bloody Baron," Ron argued.

"And apparently Professor Ed's fist of justice," Lee added. The three slid back down the table ominously. McGonagall and Snape both excused themselves from dinner, and Lockhart still hadn't noticed his missing audience, talking to nothing but the air around him.

* * *

Him, Ron, and Hermione were making their way to Hagrid's cabin, stopping every few seconds when he either paused to throw up a slug, or to push Colin Creevey out of the way. They had to duck behind a bush as Lockhart left Hagrid's cabin.

"It's easy if you know what to do, If you need help, you know where I am. I'll sign a book and owl it over to you, I'm surprised you don't have one already," the man blathered on, ignorant to the bored look on Hagrid's face as he walked away. Hagrid still stood in his doorway, although they hadn't thought Hagrid has seen them.

"Ed, Al, he's gone," he announced, and the two golden-haired boys popped out from behind Hagrid's hut.

"Oh, thank truth," Ed sighed, carrying Al in his arms back into the hut. Hagrid caught them as they got up from the bush.

"Harry, Ron, Hermione! Bin' waitin fer ya ta come see me," Hagrid welcomes them to his hut, hardly reacting when Ron threw up a slug before entering. The Elric brothers looked a little grossed out however, glad when Hagrid gave him something to throw up in.

"He tried cursing out Malfoy, but cause of his wand it backfired," Harry explained.

Edward looked up, as he put his brother down on the couch, "Oh _his_ wand, Ollivander hasn't gotten back to me yet but-" There was a loud pecking noise at the window, and one of the school's owls hooted at the window. "Hold on-"

The Owl had a letter and a small bag tied to its ankle.

"Nicolas Flamel has told me many times of him fixing his wand with alchemy, so it should be fine. However I have sent an extra unicorn tail hair, and a small amount of ash wood, just in case," Edward read aloud. "Well might as well do it now so you can curse Malfoy all you want later," Ed joked, and Harry fished Ron's wand out of his robes pocket as he bent over to throw up another snail.

Professor Elric pulled a piece of chalk out of his robes, drawing an intricate circle on the stone floor of Hagrid's hut, double checking everything and letting Hermione look it over before stripping the wand of its spellotape, and placing all of the materials in the center of the circle. He clapped his hands together to concentrate before slamming his hands on the edge of the circle, filling the hut with electric blue light.

When it faded, Ron's wand, looking in better shape than anyone had ever seen it, sat on the floor. Ed handed the wand to Harry before brushing the chalk off the floor with a gloved hand. "If it doesn't work I can probably get permission to take you to the small side-shop in Hogsmeade," Ed said as Harry handed the wand to Ron.

Ron pointed his wand at a beatle on the floor, casting the charm he'd been attempting on Friday. The bug easily transformed into a button, even if it kept its vaguely iridescent coloring.

"Now mum won't kill me!" Ron cheered before spitting out another slug.

"Hey Hagrid, what did Lockhart want anyway?" Harry asked.

"Givin' me advice how to keep kelpies out of the well, like I haven't been doin' tha' fer years," Hagrid rolled his eyes as Ed put a few Galleons in the birds pouch and sending it back to Ollivander. "Blatherin' on about some banshee he banished, if a word of it wer' true I'd eat my kettle," Hagrid joked, and Alphonse laughed quietly.

"Even Hagrid won't defend him and he defended Snape last year," Ron laughed.

"Well… obviously Dumbledore thought he would do a good job since he hired him," Hermione assured herself.

"No-one else would take the job. People are startin' to realize sometin's wrong with tha position I think," Hagrid mumbled to himself, "Who'd you say you were trying ta Jinx again?"

"Malfoy, he called Hermione something… everyone got wild cause of it so it must've been bad," Harry shrugged.

"He called Hermione a mudblood," Ron explained before puking up another slug. Hagrid looked outraged while the Elric brothers looked confused as well.

"He didn'!" Hagrid growled.

"He did, I don't know what it means, but everyone got offended for me," Hermione admitted.

"It's a nasty word for muggle-born, probably the cleverest thing he could think of," Ron explained, spitting into the basin. "Some pure-blooded families are real snotty bout the whole thing, doesn't really make sense tho, 'Mione's got more magical power in her pinky than Neville's got in his whole body."

Hermione flushed at the compliment but Ron had already ducked down to throw up another slug. "He's right ya know, ain't a spell you can't do," Hagrid smiled.

"Honestly whole thing's stupid, if we stayed "pure" blooded we would've died off ages ago. Side's the first wizard was probably muggle-born anyway."

"I don't blame ya fer tryna' curse him Ron, woulda done it myself if it weren't fer Lucius, probably a good thing it didn't work after what you two'd done to tha whompin' willow. Might've gotten expelled if he had his way," Hagrid added, "Also I've heard you bin givin' out signed photos, how come I haven' gotten one?" Hagrid teased.

"I have _not_ -" Harry started only to stop as he realized the Elric's and Hagrid were laughing.

"I'm only teasin' ya," Hagrid laughed, patting Harry on the back hard enough that he'd nearly hit the table. The Elric brothers quietly excused themselves, they all said goodbye, except Ron, who threw up another slug.

"What were they doing here anyway?" Ron asked.

"Oh, Ed was askin' if I could get him some oil next time I went down to Diagon Alley," Hagrid admitted.

"What's he need oil for?" Harry asked.

Hagrid blanched slightly like he'd told them something he shouldn't of, "I dunno' probably fer alchemy. Wanna come an' see what I've been growing?" He asked, quickly changing the subject. The trio followed him to the garden anyway.

* * *

Dinner was a bit somber due to their detentions in the upcoming hours. Luckily Ron had stopped throwing up slugs enough to eat dinner.

"Honestly what did you think you'd have for detention," Hermione sighed at both of them.

"How 'bout you take my detention, and spend a few hours with Lockhart instead," Harry teased.

"That's what you got for crashing the flying car?" Professor Ed asked, sitting several feet down with Alphonse and Neville.

"He's gotta help Lockhart with his fan mail in his office," Ron joked.

Professor Ed frowned before getting a mischievous smile worthy of the twins. "Hey Al, isn't Lockhart's office on our floor?"

"Yes, why?" His brother asked innocently. Edward slunk away from the table, joined by Fred, George, and Lee who seemed to have seen the look on his face.

"Oh what are they doing," Hermione sighed worriedly.

"Well at least we know Professor Ed isn't a stiff," Ron laughed, "Wonder what he'll do though."

As it turned out, Professor Ed had turned all of the oxygen in Lockhart's office to helium.

"Probably just a student prank," Lockhart explained in a squeaky voice, clutching a small pile of fanmail. Harry did his best not to laugh. "I'm sure Edward will let us use his office."

It turned out Edward was in his office, but the room was tiny in comparison to Lockhart's. Alphonse was sleeping on a small futon wedged in the corner, a large blonde cat curled up on his lap. With the desk and chair and all of the alchemy materials, which was largely just long logs of wood piled up on the left side, there was only room for one chair in the room.

"Oh well," Lockhart squeaked, "I suppose we can use my classroom…"

"Lockhart why don't I take over the detention while you fix your office?" Edward suggested.

"Ah well I told McGonagall-"

"I'm sure she'd understand, it's _your_ office after all," Ed pressed.

"Ah, well, thank you Edward, I'm sure I'll figure it out in no time," Lockhart agreed, still squeakily, leaving Harry in Ed's office.

"Oh thank god," Harry sighed, dropping down in the other chair, and dropping his head onto Ed's desk.

"That's not detention, that's a death sentence," Ed joked. "What's wand kid doing for detention?"

"Ron's polishing trophies with Filch," Harry answered.

"Well… might as well rescue him too," Ed shrugged getting up from his chair. He pulled off his robe and draped it over his brother and the cat, grabbed the large leather notebook he'd been writing in, and the pair left the office.

"What'd the twins and Lee do?"

"Oh not much, I think they turned a few of his robes neon," Ed explained, "Told McGonagall they were helping me get materials for class Monday."

"You lied to a teacher?" Harry asked surprised, Ed turned back to him.

" _I'm_ a teacher," Ed said, "Besides Lockhart lies every five minutes, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even blond."

They eventually arrived at the trophy room where Ron was scrubbing at a silver plaque.

"Where's Lockhart?" Filch grumbled.

"His office got pranked, he's trying to fix it, but he handed off Harry's detention to me," Ed explained. "It wasn't the Weasley twins, they were with me."

"Darn students," the man hissed, looking around.

"If you want to try and find who did it, I'll take over Ron's detention for you," Ed convinced. Filch looked around grumbling to himself before nodding.

"They aren't allowed to leave until everything's clean… no wands," he hissed, limping out of the room.

"Yessss," Ron cheered quietly sinking to the floor. Ed transmuted the doors to the room shut.

"Alright do whatever it takes, I don't really care," Professor Elric shrugged.

The work got done much faster with both magic and Harry involved, and within an hour everything was polished. They left the trophy room, and Professor Elric walked around with them, telling anyone who asked that they were helping him with Errands.

"Errands" included setting Alphonse's cat, apparently named Winry, free near Lockhart's room. Sneaking into the kitchen for a late-night snack, and seeing who could throw a rock the farthest in the lake. Professor Elric won by an almost ridiculous distance, and Ron kept insisting he had cheated. He eventually brought them back to the Gryffindor tower entrance, leaving the boys far less miserable than they thought they'd be at the end of their detentions.

Harry was already asleep when the creature began slithering through the walls of the second floor.

* * *

"Oh I'm so excited for Alchemy," Hermione cheered as they left the greenhouse. They'd just watered the Mandrake's today and learned more about the plants effects since it wasn't a double period.

"Anything's better than double potions," Ron grumbled, "At least we know Elric isn't a git."

"Ron! You just like him because he got you out of detention," Hermione sighed.

"And he fixed his wand," Harry added pointedly.

"And he fixed my wand!" Ron cheered. "Oh, lighten up Hermione, the alchemy was cool too," he admitted. They saw Winry walking up ahead, and eventually Alphonse turned the corner, walking extremely slowly, and balancing between the wall and his cane.

"Are you alright Alphonse?" Hermione asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," he assured. "Just stretching my legs," he added. He probably would've lifted his leg if his other leg was strong enough to.

"Should you be like, walking around?" Ron asked crudely, Hermione stomped on his foot.

"Brother and Madam Pomfrey say I should wait," he admitted. "But Brother has two double blocks in a row…" he tried to explain. Winry the cat looked at him with a skeptical look on her face.

"Do you need help getting back?" Hermione asked. Alphonse looked sheepishly around the corner from where he came.

"Uhm, yes thank you," he admitted. Hermione grabbed Alphonse's cane, while Harry and Ron both put one of Al's arms around their shoulders. Despite being older, Harry was pretty sure he weighed less than any of them. Alphonse walked fine once his weight was supported, and they were somehow the first to arrive to the classroom, although Harry assumed that no one else knew the classroom was on this floor.

Professor Elric mothered over his brother as soon as they arrived, making him sit down on a very comfy looking chair near his desk. The entire room seemed like it'd been cleaned up, and all of the desks had smooth wooden tops despite how clearly worn the rest of the tables were. Harry figured he used alchemy to flatten everything out.

Edward calmed down once he figured his brother would be fine, checking over the student list and crossing off the trio. "Hey, isn't this Malfoy kid the one you tried cursing?"

"Yeah, we always end up in classes with them," Ron grumbled. Professor Ed hummed to himself in thought, and Hermione got a worried look on her face.

Neville was the first to arrive, although a large hoard of Slytherin's piled in together. Small groups of Gryffindor's arrived after that, and Malfoy rather smugly turned to Professor Ed.

"Shouldn't they lose points for being late?" He demanded.

"Did I tell any of you where the classroom was?" With the exception of the trio and Neville, the answer was overwhelmingly 'No.' "Then why would I take points off? Now Mister?"

"Malfoy, Draco Malfoy," he replied smugly.

"Alright Mister Malfoy," Ed paused, "10 points off Slytherin for questioning my judgement."

Ron barely stifled a laugh behind his arm.

"Do you know who I am?"

"You told me your name five seconds ago Malfoy, should I take off more points for questioning my intelligence or can we start class?" Draco stuttered at that, and Ed smiled, "Great. Now Alchemy is the science of understanding and manipulating matter." He started, and everyone frantically pulled out their scrolls of paper and quills. He paused to let them get it down.

"The art of doing alchemy is known as Transmutation. It has three steps, Comprehension, Deconstruction, and Reconstruction. To do a transmutation, you need a transmutation circle." Professor Elric explained, stepping up to Malfoy's desk with chalk in his hand.

"To demonstrate, get up if you want to, we will be transmuting Malfoy and?"

"Pansy Parkinson."

"Miss Parkinson's table. While there are more complicated ways to do this, I'll be showing you one of the simplest wood transmutation circles. You start with the outer circle-"

"How'd you do a perfect circle like that?" Neville asked.

"Practice, you add a square that touches the edge of the circle, and another square diagonal to that inside of that square, and finally another circle, slightly larger than the bigger square and, you're done."

"Professor Elric, where's your wand?"

"You don't need it, alchemy uses your natural energy, call it chi or your inner magic or whatever you want, you just need your hands."

"Now comprehension, this wood is pine wood, I know because I cut the trees down myself for the tabletops. The chemical composition of most kinds of trees are just different levels of Cellulose, Hemicelluloses, Lignin, and Extractives. You don't need to know any of that yet, and I don't expect anyone but maybe a few muggle-borns to even get that I'm talking about chemical properties."

"Long story short I know what the wood is made of. You don't need to be that specific, but I _comprehend_ what I'm trying to do. Deconstruction and Reconstruction usually go hand in hand, but if you wanted you can stop at the Deconstruction phase. Why would being able to deconstruct wood be useful as a wizard?"

"You could deconstruct someone's wand?" Hermione asked.

"Bingo, 10 points to Hermione specifically," he joked. "Drawing out the circle every time isn't exactly effective, but you could stitch it into a pair of gloves, or if you really were out for someone you could get it tattooed somewhere on your body. You still have to know the wood and wand core but you can narrow it down a bit, Ollivander only uses three different cores, unicorn hair, dragon heartstring, and phoenix feathers. Destroy the core and the wand is non-functional." Edward explained. Most of the class looked at their wands somewhat protectively.

"You can also use _reconstruction_ to fix your wands, as seen by Mister Weasley's wand. You'll need to keep all the pieces though."

"Now back on track deconstruction is the easiest phase, but reconstruction is more difficult. We will only be breaking down the shape of the wood, not the composition, so you also don't have to reconstruct the composition. But you'll want to _comprehend_ what the wood is, feel it _deconstructing,_ and then _construct_ the wood back in any shape you'd like." He explained.

He then leaned over Malfoy's desk, eyes closed in concentration before slamming his hands down onto the edge of the circle. The table sparked with alchemic energy, Draco and Pansy sliding back in their chairs as the wood reformed into a small vase. "You can do anything you want within reason. Both you and your partner are using the same desk, and if you try to make anything too big, you'll use up the table top and everything will collapse."

Professor Ed pointed to the side of Malfoy's table and then the table next to it. The alchemically changed table was just a bit thinner than the other one.

"Now I've been noticing that some students can transmute with just the basic knowledge that the table is pine, if you need any more explanation than that, then you can tell because you won't make it to the deconstruction phase. If you can't make it _past_ deconstruction than you just need to think a bit harder about what you're trying to make."

"It doesn't say anything about your skill level or alchemy potential if you need more information, it just means that you overthink a bit."

Ron was surprisingly one of the first to accomplish the task, forming a rather crude sculpture of a duck. Ron picked it up and put it right next to his face, making annoying quacking sounds until Harry made a rival duck, with a small wooden samurai sword, and the two had a small duck fight.

Neville had made a rather impressive tree from the wood, which seemed rather poetic. Hermione however only created fickle sparks for about twenty minutes even with additional information from Professor Ed. He watched Hermione carefully before wiping off her desk, and drawing a much more complicated circle. After three tries, Hermione finally created a small wooden ballerina box. It wasn't functional but you could tell what it was.

He sketched the same circle onto Hermione's notes before wiping it off and putting back the original circle with instructions to keep it simple. Since Hermione had stopped stressing, she created a wooden mug on the second try.

They heard a loud crash from Harry and Ron's desk, after they made too many wooden ducks in their respective armies. Professor Ed rolled his eyes before clapping his hands and turning all the ducks on the floor back to the table top, lifting it up with surprisingly little resistance. Once it was back on top he fused the top to the base of the table.

"Professor do you have transmutation circles sewn into your clothes?" Hermione asked.

"Maybe I'm just covered in tattoos," he joked, "After all I am wearing gloves."

"Alright so homework is to research the chemical composition of one non-living material. Ask Madam Pince in the library for the chemistry section, I've been sending kids there all week. Length doesn't matter, just as long as it needs to be. If you have any questions or want to practice Alchemy, I have all of Wednesday off until three thirty, you can also sit in on any of the other second or third year classes since you're all learning the same curriculum."

"I really do ask that you find either me or Alphonse if you want to practice Alchemy, it can backfire if you get ahead of yourselves," Ed warned ominously as the bell rang. "Oh and Parkinson?"

"Yes Professor Ed?"

"5 points to Slytherin for not getting snippy with me when I used your table," Ed said, and the girl walked away pleased while Malfoy still looked annoyed.

The trio packed up their things, waving goodbye to the Elric brothers, although Alphonse had apparently fallen asleep at some point. Winry the cat was currently stalking Malfoy down the halls.

"That was cool," Ron admitted.

"You're just saying that because you made a duck army," Hermione argued.

"Weren't you the one telling us we should enjoy the class?" Harry pointed out

"Yes, well-"

"Hermione he told you it wasn't a skill thing if you couldn't get to deconstruction," Harry reminded.

"I know," she sighed.

"Besides you got to use a cooler circle," Ron added. "Wait don't we have Alchemy with Hufflepuff tomorrow morning?"

"Yup, so we should get to the library now," Hermione cheered while him and Ron both groaned.


	5. Alphonse - Obligatory Sorting Montage

**Authors Note: Is uploading like this detrimental to possible views? Maybe. Do I feel like waiting, no**

* * *

Alphonse had been in contact with the truth twice since school began. The first time had been the night of the opening feast. He'd been reading about magical plants when a first year sat down next to him. She was wiry and thin, pale eyes and blonde hair, with an eccentric feel about her.

She grinned and barely introduced herself before her eyes turned red. Alphonse froze in his seat.

"Hello Alphonse," The voice was still Luna's but he could recognize the tone anywhere.

"What do you want?" He whispered.

"I don't have much power over this world anymore, hardly anyone uses alchemy. There wasn't time to be spared when it came to sending you both here, I can only talk through the eccentric, anyone else fights me off too quickly," The being explained. "The people here managed to break through the barriers of alchemy, and the possibilities now run through their blood with little need of equivalent exchange."

The girls eyes briefly flashed back to her own before turning red again. "I've used to much of her time, I'll be sending someone with more information," and Luna returned completely.

"Oh I've read that book, dad has it at home," the girl said chipperly. Alphonse wondered who the truth would send. It wouldn't be fair to anyone other than those who'd done human transmutation, Al couldn't think of which one he'd rather see. Dumbledore greeted the crowd, cutting him off from his train of thought.

"Before we begin the banquet, I'd like to say a few words. Lemon! Petrichor! Odyssey!-" he turned towards Alphonse with glaring red eyes, "Hoenheim! Thank you!"

Alphonse stayed as neutral as he could the whole feast, waiting until they were alone to talk to his brother.

"So the old bastards coming here? When?" Ed asked, carrying Al up the stairs to their second floor room.

"Truth didn't say, there wasn't enough time," Al explained.

"At least we didn't tell anyone much about him…" Ed admitted. "Still I'd like to know what the hell's going on. Better hang around the girl then right?"

"Right."

* * *

He and Luna became fast friends. He didn't understand what she was talking about half the time until she gave him copies of the Quibbler. Neville was nice once he got past the stuttering point, and he knew a lot about magical plants like Professor Sprout had told him.

Ed took him outside and began helping him build up muscle again, with Madam Pomfrey adding high protein foods to his diet. He still ate four times a day rather than three, but soon enough he'd eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, just like everyone else.

* * *

The second time they heard from the Truth was a week after classes began, when him and Ed went to Dumbledore's office to be sorted. Luna and Neville had said nothing negative about the hat, and after researching it thoroughly, found no reported incidents about the hat revealing information.

Besides, what could be more eccentric than a talking hat.

Dumbledore was waiting in the hall beside two Gargoyles, looking gleeful when he saw them walking towards him. "Ah there you two are. I'm glad you have this morning off Edward, I have a feeling you might both hat-stall."

Dumbledore muttered "Lemon Drop," and the gargoyle's moved out of the way, revealing a long winding staircase. Alphonse didn't complain as his brother picked him up. "How is alchemy going?"

"Good, I actually had to flip-flop my plans though," Ed admitted.

"Really?"

"I think I didn't account for accidental magic… the younger students seem to transmute much easier than the older students who've been trained out of it," he pondered, "And the muggle-borns are mostly all overthinking everything. I had to give them more complicated circles than I would've liked."

Ed and Alphonse were actually somewhat baffled by their somewhat innate ability to use alchemy. The Truth seemed to think that the magic of this world originated from some form of Alchemy. The ability to do it was quite literally in their genes.

"All of the Weasley's did well," Ed added.

"Even Ron?"

"Was the first in his class to get it," Ed admitted.

Dumbledore looked rather surprised, "Ron hasn't done particularly well in most of his spell work, I suppose it makes sense that he did better in an environment without it. I take it by your earlier statements that Hermione didn't do as well?"

"She did fine, she was just overthinking things in the beginning. Once she stopped getting stressed about it she got it fast enough," Ed defended.

"Of course she did, Hermione's one of the brightest," Dumbledore agreed, opening the door at the top of the stairs. They spotted the hat sitting on a shelf, smiling at them.

"Ah yes the Professor who's a child, and the child who's not a student," the hat mumbled to itself. "Dumbledore, I can't tell you anything," the hat tutted, affirming their earlier judgement.

"I know," Dumbledore agreed.

"Well then, which one of you would like to go first?" The hat asked. Ed had agreed that he could go first earlier, despite knowing it meant he wouldn't be able to talk to the truth.

Ed set Al down on one of the large chairs in Dumbledore's office, and Dumbledore took the cue to put the hat atop of his head.

The hat was silent for several minutes before it even began to talk. " _This is a lot more than I usually see, even if they are usually only eleven."_ The hat said grimly, clearly in his head since the other two were watching without much reaction. " _Even if you'd come here when you were younger, not that it was possible but, I still think I would've had a very hard time with you. Not a Slytherin at all, only ambitious in your intelligence, you're very loyal, almost to a fault but some of your own doubts caused you to shy away from others. Your intelligence and likely your brothers stand out exceptionally, but for all the things you've faced-_ _ **and things yet to come**_ **-** _you will always be brave at heart. It's a decision I've had to make a few times now, deliberating between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, but not many else would give up their soul to win a hard-fought battle, ought to be-_ GRYFFINDOR!"

"I figured as much," Dumbledore admitted, "twelve minutes is longer than I'd ever seen. But I somehow get the feeling Edward will take even longer," he said, taking the hat from atop his head and placing it on top of Ed's, who sat down on the other chair.

The hat sat on Ed's head for over twenty minutes before eventually shouting "GRYFFINDOR!" once more. Dumbledore jumped slightly as the silence was disturbed.

"I'm sure Minerva will be pleased," Dumbledore joked and Ed put the hat back on his desk, "I'd head back down to your classroom just in case anyone's waiting for help."

They both waved to Dumbledore before Ed picked him up and began carrying him down the staircase.

"What houses did the hat want to put you in?" Al asked his brother.

"Well towards the beginning he was thinking Slytherin until I explained why we refused to use the stone. Apparently most people don't betray the people of their country just to get access to a library," Ed joked. "Hufflepuff was out because I really only tend to do things for me and you, and then I ended up mostly between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, but I'm pretty sure he just deliberated to pick my brain a bit more. You?"

"He completely ruled out Slytherin, and said some of my self-doubt ruled out Hufflepuff," He admitted, and Ed frowned. "He thought about Ravenclaw but ultimately decided on Gryffindor."

They eventually made their way back to the Alchemy classroom, which was luckily empty.

"Did you hear anything? He just warned me that bad things are about to happen again," Al asked.

"He mentioned someone who's defied death… That would be Volde-whatever right?"

"Maybe… I thought that teacher died though… Lockhart may be… Lockhart," Ed snickered, "But I don't think he's an actual danger to the students," Al denied.

"Hmmm…" Ed agreed. "We'll have to keep an eye out."

* * *

Minerva had been delighted by the news that they'd both been honorarily sorted into Gryffindor, not surprised that the two had been mostly between her house and Ravenclaw. Ed had already left to get to one of his night classes with the third years.

"Not the other two houses?" Snape asked.

"The hat considered Hufflepuff for a minute with me, although Ed said it thought about Slytherin for him," Al added. Snape looked slightly bewildered.

"Really?"

"Mhm… he's done some… less than legal things to get access to books he's wanted to read," Al lied sheepishly. Minerva tutted while Snape looked amused. Dumbledore looked amused from several seats down.

"I'm pretty sure the library was half of the reason Edward agreed to the job," he joked before resuming conversation with Professor Sprout.

"What's this about Edward?" Lockhart asked loudly as he headed to the staff table.

"Both of the Elric's got sorted for fun today, both Gryffindor," Minerva answered proudly. Lockhart looked at Alphonse like he'd heard a strange joke.

"Right," Lockhart laughed.

"It's a bit strange Lockhart, with all the things you've done _so_ bravely that you weren't a Gryffindor," Snape sneered sarcastically.

"Well, knowledge is power," Lockhart defended.

"Hermione Granger's a Gryffindor and is at the top of her class in nearly every subject," Minerva mentioned offhandedly.

Lockhart, who apparently didn't have a response, instead turned towards the roasted chicken like it was suddenly much more interesting than their conversation. They all rolled their eyes and went back to their discussion.

"How are Ed's classes going?" Minerva asked.

"Really good I think. All the Weasley's are doing well," he commented.

"Even Ronald?"

"Ron got it first in his class. Ed said something about accidental and innate magic?" At the Professors confused looks he tried to explain. "Muggles can learn alchemy too, it's not a wizard exclusive thing… But magic makes it a lot easier… because you can bypass the equivalent exchange rebounds are way less likely… For someone like Ron who's known about magic all of his life the power flows a bit more? He can do spells when he wants but trying to regulate everything with specific incantations and wand movements is probably hard for him."

"But people like Hermione who had the floodgates open all at once the rigidity of the rules helps to keep the magic in check, but it stops the flow a little bit. She's trying to do the hard way of alchemy when she doesn't need to be. The fact that we don't use wands in class probably doesn't help," Al speculated.

"That's an interesting way to look at it," Minerva pondered.

"It's just a theory, I'm sure Ed has more to add," Alphonse said, taking another large bite of food.

* * *

Time seemed to fly once the routine of Hogwarts kicked in, and Alphonse now had things to do, like helping Ed grade the influx of paperwork as the classes increased in difficulty. While Ed seemed to truly like teaching Alchemy (Al was personally glad he wasn't bored of it after the excitement of the Promised Day) he grew somewhat irritable as the weather got fouler. While he still had his winter automail from their time back in Briggs, his ports grew weary of the cold and damp weather.

One particularly rainy afternoon in October, Ed was in enough discomfort to be throwing up, and Al had to send an owl through the castle downstairs to Madam Pomfrey. Since other classes had already started for the day, there was no time to send out a notice that classes were canceled, and Madam Pomfrey levitated him, and the rest of the assignments to the alchemy classroom, luckily just down the hall. Winry strutted in and curled up on the window sill, falling asleep against the cold glass.

Alphonse wasn't exactly excited to teach on short notice, but was at least glad for the fact that it wasn't a Tuesday schedule, which kept Ed busy from second block, all the way 'til the end of the day. Friday was about in the middle in terms of activity, although every single block that day was a mixed Gryffindor class.

Ginny Weasley was the first to arrive, looking rather awkward as she realized even the teacher wasn't there.

"You're not early, brother's sick so I'm taking over his classes for the day," He explained, and the girl calmed immensely, seemingly taking to doodling in a black leather notebook. The rest of the class arrived soon enough, looking slightly less confused than Ginny.

"Professor Ed's sick so I'll be taking over his classes today… hopefully he'll be back Monday," Al announced as class started. Even though it was a shorter block, the class seemed to have delved into more of a study, with a few occasional students coming up to ask questions or practice a transmutation. Luckily no one assumed he'd be walking around like Ed normally did.

The class ended quickly enough, with the students filing out awkwardly, although probably happy that they'd had time to work on things for other classes. Al wrote his introduction on the board in chalk instead of having to reiterate it every time.

The third years were much like the first years even if the block was twice as long. Al ended up writing several passes to excuse students to the library, whether they actually ended up working on Alchemy or not, it was better than keeping them cooped up. When the bell finally rang, Madam Pomfrey came with lunch for him, and Minerva arrived halfway through the hour long break with a cup of tea.

"I heard Edward's sick?"

"Yeah… the rain messes with the ports," he explained quietly, "Just like old scars… but worse."

Minerva frowned at the news, leaving as the bell rang again, heading back downstairs to her classroom.

Fred, George, and Lee strolled in moments later, looking around the classroom, after thoroughly checking behind everything in sight, they turned to Alphonse.

"Where's the little professor?" Fred asked, snickering. Al pointed to the board behind him.

"Aw he's sick?" George grumbled.

"Little Eddi-kins is sick," Fred mumbled in agreement. They all turned around when they heard someone enter flamboyantly through the door.

Lockhart didn't seem to get the message that no one in the room particularly liked him and started talking anyway, "Oh Edward is sick? Shouldn't someone keep him company? Perhaps I could regale him with tales of-"

Alphonse, pulling a rather 'Ed' move, clapped his hands and hit the floor, transmuting the stone in the room, blocking off the doorway with stone.

"Even mini-fist of justice doesn't like Lockhart," Lee laughed. Once it had been deemed long enough for Lockhart to have left, Al transmuted the door back into place, and the twins helped him off the floor and back on top of the desk.

Luckily the fourth years weren't doing anything practical that week, and instead were practicing creating their own transmutation circles for stone. Since the fourth and fifth years didn't have as much time as the other two groups, Ed had them figure out their own circles, with the hopes that they'd specialize earlier on.

Neither Ed nor Al had ever learned full blown flame alchemy to the twins disappointment, but Ed managed to figure out a safer substitute, using chemical reactions to start the fires rather than trying to tame the oxygen in the air. The result was much like fireworks, (and was actually a much tamer version of Kimblee's alchemy) and deemed by the twins as perfect for pranking. Ed had given them all the information they needed, and the group had spent the last week trying to perfect it. Today they sat at Ed's teaching desk so Al could regularly keep an eye on them. Roger Davies, a Ravenclaw student, occasionally came up to check various water circles. The twins joked that he was just trying to find a way around the 'no wand' rule in Quidditch, and he quickly asked for a pass for the library and wasn't seen for the rest of class.

The boys were very close by the end of class, and Al gave them some hints that would hopefully get them the rest of the way.

The fifth years arrived several minutes later, Gryffindor and Slytherin, although luckily it was a short block, and the last one of the day.

"What, Professor Eddie didn't feel like teaching today?" One of the Slytherin's joked.

"5 points from Slytherin," Al mumbled, feeling the energy from today starting to leave.

"You can't take points away, you're not even a teacher-" The Slytherin, who had tried to walk up to his desk, quickly had Winry attached to the shoulder of his robes, meowing incessantly next to his ear until the boy sat down. The cat then ran up to Alphonse, perching protectively on the desk.

"Everyone's been mostly using this class as a study block for other classes, you can still work on your transmutation circles if you want, or I can write you a pass to the library," Al explained. All of the Gryffindor's but one chose to take the library pass, while the other, who seemed to get along alright with one of the Slytherin, stayed behind as they both worked on learning what was commonly referred to as ice alchemy. One Slytherin boy occasionally came over to work on a fabric alchemy circle, (his parents owned a robes shop over in Scotland) which was luckily an easier circle. Alphonse approved the circle by the end of the class, and wrote himself a note to bring in fabric for his class Monday night.

The boy who'd lost points luckily had potions homework to do and left him alone, although Al thought to himself to keep an eye on the boy next week. When the bell rang for dinner, instead of Madam Pomfrey outside the Weasley twins were waiting, apparently having come to bring him to dinner.

Al was thankful for that, Ed was probably still cooped up in their room based on the fact that it was still down-pouring outside. Fred had to lean down to support him, but luckily he only needed help on one side now. Soon he'd be walking with just the cane.

"Hey Alphonse, you are getting better… right?" George asked quietly.

"Mhm, I had to put on weight before we could get muscle mass back… I'm doing a lot better than I was when we first got here," Al replied. The twins looked at each other like they couldn't imagine much worse.

George helped him as well when going down the stairs, but Al was determined to make it to dinner, and they didn't stop until they made it to Gryffindor table.

"Where's Ed?" Ron asked through a mouth full of food.

"He's sick," Fred answered as Alphonse stacked his plate high.

"Ooh the little shorty's sick, is he?" They heard from above, and they all looked up to see the mischievous face of Peeves the Poltergeist. Before anyone could stop him, he flew off out of the open doorway, cackling all the way.

"Twenty knuts that Professor Ed still wins," Fred said turning to his brother.

"Nah mate, I'm not betting against Elric," George denied, although Neville surprisingly took up the bet.

Three minutes later Peeves flew by the grand hall screaming, covered in something that looked suspiciously like sick, with a very pale and very annoyed Professor Elric chasing after him in yesterday's robes.

Neville silently slid the twenty knuts across the Gryffindor table, right into Fred Weasley's happy hand.

* * *

The rain had lightened up enough by Monday for Ed to resume teaching, even if he looked like he hadn't slept in three days.

Fred, George, and Lee _had_ figured out their transmutation circle over the weekend, and Ed scheduled a private lesson with the three of them in between his second and fifth block classes that day. He gave them two more variations of the original, one that would burst into flames after transmutation, and another that made a rather spectacular popping noise when ignited. (The three together would cause a rather magnificent, but ultimately harmless explosion.) not that Ed would teach them to combine them until much later in the year.

Alphonse didn't think it was a very... adult way of teaching the subject, but since only a few Slytherins had complained about the class, and nearly all of Gryffindor house but Hermione had complained about Lockhart, Ed didn't seem all that worried.

The first-year class was working on refining their wooden transmutations, helping build up the concentration required for much more complicated alchemy down the line. Luna and Ginny sat together, both trying to make rather detailed wooden rabbits, Ginny occasionally stopping to take more notes in the black notebook.

The second-year class was now working on changing the pine desks to other types of wood by transmuting the chemical composition, rather than the table itself.

Hermione got her chance to shine with the more complicated lesson, with Ron and Harry both taking a few extra tries to get it right, although Draco Malfoy managed to beat them to it. The house rivalry between the two houses worsened as the Quidditch match approached, and Ed had nearly put up a dividing wall to keep the showboating to a minimum.

"Hey Professor, you guys going to the Quidditch match next Saturday?" Ron asked as he packed up his things.

"Depends on the weather," Ed shrugged as the bell rang. "No homework for you, couldn't think of any way to waste your time," he joked as everyone filed out of his class. His three fourth year troublemakers arrived shortly after, and they got to work on the transmutation. Ed had drawn out the transmutation circle himself, putting only a small amount of each of the compounds separate on the circle. Each of them had to do the transmutation correctly before Ed would increase the amount of materials, and in effect, the size of the explosion.

Al thought the alchemy was rather cool now that it wasn't being used by a psychopath trying to kill him. They kept working until the bell rang, and the explosions had worked their way up to the size of a gallon jug, exploding in a rather bright yellow color. The boys left with excitement on their faces, and the brother's followed them to dinner, albeit rather slowly as Al was determined to use his cane for the whole walk, (with the exception of the stairs of course).

Al was winded by the time they got down, but the pride and gnawing hunger quickly overtook the feeling. "Hey Al, are you excited about Halloween? Hermione asked.

Both him and Al turned to each other in confusion, "What's Halloween?"

"Haha very funny," Ron rolled his eyes.

"Ron, I don't think they're joking," Fred gasped with a devious grin on his face.

"You see, Halloween is when Dumbledore roller-skates around the castle throwing pumpkins at Slytherins," George answered with a rather good poker face.

"I know you're joking… but I wouldn't be all that surprised if that was true," Ed admitted to the glee of the twins.

"Halloween on the muggle side is mostly kids dressing up and going to their neighbor's houses at night to get free candy. Here we carve giant pumpkins, the great halls decorated, and we have a large feast at dinner time," Hermione explained. Ed looked rather annoyed at the 'feast' part.

"What's wrong with the feast?" Ron asked between large mouthfuls of food.

"Because a feast is an official thing and I'm supposed to sit at the staff table," Ed grumbled, looking towards his empty seat snug in between Minerva and Lockhart.

"Oi, at least you don't have class with him," Ron argued.

"True, sucks for you guys though," Ed grinned.

"You wound us Professor," The twins sighed, before sliding off the bench, playing dead on the floor. Al took one look at the staff table and thought that Minerva and Snape might join them.

* * *

Ed and Al had left the Halloween feast early that night to avoid the stampede, (and Lockhart). Al was tired enough from the day's events that he didn't care when Ed picked him up and carried him.

They found the Gryffindor trio staring at the wall in between his office and Lockharts. Ed could see several letters scrawled in blood.

"What the hell?" Ed asked, and the trio turned back, spinning slightly out of the way. _THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED, ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE._ "What does that mean?"

"Brother look," Al whispered, pointing to where Filch's cat was hanging off the candle holder on the hall.

"Why are you in this floor?" Ed quickly asked.

"Harry heard something, we followed the noise here," Hermione admitted.

"You were at the death day party, right?" Ed asked.

"Yes?" Ron replied, seemingly trying to figure out where this was going.

"You need to-" They were interrupted by the sound of shoes stomping up the stairs. Ed quickly unlocked his office, shoving the whole group inside the small space. He put Al down on the couch, and quickly transmuted the ceiling and wall that divided his office and their room, forming a rather thin, but still safe staircase that led upstairs to an empty classroom.

"Thank you, professor," Hermione whispered as they all ran up the stairs, Ed carried Al to their room before transmuting the wall back as people started gasping outside.

"Stay here, pretend to be asleep," Ed hissed before ducking out of their room. There was chaos outside the room for several minutes, and by the time brother had returned, Al had fallen into restless sleep.


	6. Ron - Seinfeld Theme Song

**Author's Note: Ooh look I put the apostrophe aren't I fancy, look I'm up to two views**

* * *

"Professor Ed saved our asses last night," Ron cheered.

"Ron! Mrs. Norris-"

"Hermione, if it had been Al's cat, maybe I'd feel bad," Ron joked. "But nothing good would've been happened if everyone found us there."

"Did you hear Malfoy last night? _You'll be next, Mudbloods?"_ Neville whimpered as they made their way to breakfast.

"You think Malfoy did it?" Harry asked.

"He is a little snake… wouldn't be surprised," Ron admitted as they entered the great hall. They sat down next to the twins and Ginny. "Didn't Bill mention something about the Chamber of Secrets once?"

"Don't remember," George admitted. Ginny looked like an absolute wreck, puffy tear and insomnia induced eye bags on her face, pale as a bed sheet. The Elric brothers arrived much later with Winry the cat strutting behind them, apparently sensing the mood and assuring everyone that she hadn't been petrified like Mrs. Norris.

"What could even Petrify a cat like that? Why even bother?" Hermione asked.

"If they hadn't written on the wall you could say maybe someone tried to break in, everyone knows that Mrs. Norris meows to bring Filch around…" Fred guessed.

"But now the castles on high alert, it doesn't make sense," George argued. The Elric's sat down at Ravenclaw table, although Winry came over to their table, jumping into Ginny's lap. Ginny pulled the cat close, and Winry purred reassuringly.

"In the long game though… the mandrakes are just growing… Mrs. Norris might not be back to normal until the end of the year. Assuming they don't attack again until everything's calmed down," Hermione pondered.

"I don't think we're ever going to have a normal year at Hogwarts," Neville sighed, eating his breakfast."

"How about we just get Malfoy expelled and see if everything stops?" Ron asked, and Harry nodded at him in agreement. Hermione looked at them like it was a horrible suggestion. "What do you think we should do? Walk up to Malfoy and go 'Oh hello Malfoy, just wondering if you've petrified any cats recently?"

"Not like that!" Hermione defended, "I've got an idea… but the books in the restricted section…."

"Lockhart'll sign anything, you can probably get him to sign a book sheet," Fred joked.

"Or you can just ask the world's shortest teacher," George corrected, pointing at Ravenclaw table. "He's signed out a few books for us."

"I keep forgetting he's actually a professor," Harry said.

They went up to his office after breakfast, and like Fred and George said, he didn't really care.

"Are you trying to kill Malfoy, Snape, or Lockhart?" he asked.

"No?" Harry answered, confused.

"Good enough," and signed the note.

The librarian didn't seem to like Ed's liberal use of the restricted section, but let them check out the book anyway. Their plot to brew the Polyjuice potion was officially underway.

* * *

Ron and Hermione were standing at the front of the stands, having arrived early to get good seats. Neville stood a few feet away, wrapped tightly in his Gryffindor scarf.

Hermione spotted Professor Ed first, who was putting Alphonse down after climbing up the tight staircase up to the stands, waving the two over. Ed put his brother up on the bleachers, high enough for him to see while sitting, and jumped down, landing between Ron and Neville.

"Where's Harry?" Ed asked, and Ron pointed over to the Gryffindor side. The pitch was adorned with green and red tapestries. "George and Fred are the ones with the clubs, right?"

"Yup, they're beaters," Ron agreed, and Madame Hooch blew the whistle and the game began. Ron, Hermione, and Neville followed the game, while Ed kept a watchful eye on the clouds darkening above, and the bludgers, which were being hit around the pitch with seemingly no abandon.

"Is that one supposed to be following the seekers?" Ed asked a few minutes into the match, pointing out one that was seemingly ignoring the hits the beaters were giving them, instead curving around and heading back towards Harry.

"I think it might be jinxed," Hermione blanched. Lee Jordan made the same announcement, but resumed commentating as Slytherin scored.

"Why's it always got to be the first game of the year," Ron groaned. Fred and George were seemingly doing their best to keep the dirty bludger occupied, hitting it with all of their might in the opposite direction of Harry.

Fred hit a particularly good shot, but it just gave the bludger more speed to fly back at Harry, who was unfortunately floating right in front of them, or specifically, right in front of Ron. Harry zoomed off and the bludger who was still trying to adjust for the change in direction, was now flying right in front of his face.

A hand shot out just in time, and a loud metallic bang occurred when Ed seemingly caught the bludger in his bare hand. Rain began slowly dripping from the sky.

The stadium seemed to fall into dead silence, with the exception of Lee Jordan, "I mean, I know he's not a student but ten points to Elric."

"Bloody hell Professor," Ron gasped as Madam Hooch called a time out. Hooch personally flew over, grabbing the feisty bludger with a skeptical eye and a very harsh grip, tucking it in between her arms and her stomach to keep it from escaping.

"Is there any replacement bludgers?" Ed asked, as Hooch glared down the malfunctioning ball.

"No…. either they can keep playing or forfeit the match until a later date. I don't think we could keep this thing out of play even if we wanted to," Hooch admitted as it bucked, nearly pulling her off her broom. "Is your hand okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine, why?" Ed asked. Hooch flew off shaking her head, and the match restarted, the bludger going at Harry while Fred and George did their best to help Gryffindor score enough points even if the snitch was a lost cause.

Meanwhile Professor Ed flexed his fingers and rolled his wrist before declaring himself fine and going back to watching the match. He did look vaguely in pain as the rain increased from sprinkling to downpouring.

"What was the metal sound?" Hermione mouthed.

"No idea," Ron shrugged, flipping up the hood of his robes and turning back to the match.

McGonagall had seemingly taken over normal commentating as Lee Jordan kept an eye on the bludger that was trying to kill Harry.

Despite Ed's earlier comment from last week that they'd leave when the weather turned sour, he stood strong, face pale as he tracked the bludger with precision, until he seemingly came across something more interesting.

"Malfoy's an idiot, the snitch is right next to his head," he laughed although he sounded a bit sick.

Harry paused midair as he seemed to notice the same thing, long enough for the bludger to come back around and hit his right arm in the elbow with a sickening non-metallic crack. Everyone in the crowd hissed, surprised when Harry still went after Malfoy, taking his good hand off the broom stick to catch the snitch.

Professor Ed bolted from his spot and to the stairs that led to the field, and Ron noticed that Harry seemed to be speeding towards the ground without his hands to steer the broom. He crashed before anyone could do anything, but with the exception of Madam Hooch and the other players, he was the first person out on the field.

Ron and Hermione quickly raced down, and luckily no one got in their way, making it to Harry at the same time as Lockhart who'd been coming from the opposite side of the field.

Professor Lockhart accidently, although it looked rather forceful, pushed Professor Ed out of the way, and was unfortunately the first thing Harry came to to.

"Oh no, not you," Harry whined, and Ed snickered before lightly pushing him out of the way.

"That looks like a Madam Pomfrey problem," Ed decided, seemingly bracing his legs to pick up Harry and carry him himself.

"Oh nonsense young Edward, I can fix it," Lockhart decided, and Ron and Harry groaned.

"I'd rather keep it broken thanks," Harry grumbled. They heard a clicking noise as Colin Creevey got a picture. Professor Ed seemed to have the same mentality, and picked Harry up with apparent ease. Ron turned away for a moment to watch Fred and George try and shove the cursed bludger in a large box, with the thing fighting them all the way. Alphonse arrived after a rather burly seventh year Ron didn't know carried him down.

"Well, hold him steady now," Lockhart said, raising his wand and casting a spell. Apparently he didn't have the best of aim, since it hit Professor Ed instead, somehow bouncing off of his right arm and right back at Professor Lockhart, hitting him in the leg. The man crumpled suddenly as his leg seemingly rubberized.

"Ah well, that can happen," The man admitted, although he looked like he'd rather much barf than keep talking. Professor Elric suddenly put Harry back down on the ground, dropping to the ground, clutching his shoulder.

"Hey professor you okay?" Ron asked, and Fred and George walked over, apparently having gotten the bludger into the now violently vibrating box.

"Lockharts not in any pain though, it doesn't make sense," George said, looking to Fred who shrugged.

"Well the spell rebounded off of Ed, and Lockhart lost his bones…. A magic spell that fixes a broken bone eliminates the broken bone and replaces it with healed bone so… Professor Ed must be growing bone…" She blanched. "We should get them back to the castle quickly."

Fred and George went to pick up Professor Elric, nearly losing their balance in the process, "Jesus, compared to your brother you weigh as much as Hagrid."

"Oh-shut up," Ed growled. Angelina Johnson, who was apparently much stronger than anyone gave credit for picked up Harry easily, following after the twins as they carried off Professor Ed.

Someone mentioned casting a levitation charm on Lockhart, but Hagrid ended up tossing the man over his shoulder, in rather fitting payback to the day at Hagrid's hut when he was puking up slugs. He also grabbed Alphonse from the large Gryffindor boy, putting him up on his other shoulder.

Him and Hermione ran up to catch up with Harry and Angelina, although Ed, Fred, and George weren't that far ahead. Ron thought they'd be stronger than that, but they had had a rather rowdy game of defense trying to protect Harry earlier.

"I wonder why the spell reacted differently to Ed than Lockhart," Hermione asked. "Or how it bounced off."

"Maybe Professor Ed's got a fake hand."

"It hit him in the arm Ron, besides he does alchemy with his hand _s_ ," Hermione rebutted.

"He also caught the ball that shattered Harry's elbow in his bare hand," Ron stressed.

"I wonder if they're gonna have to make a teacher hourglass now, didn't Lee give him ten points?" Angelina joked.

They heard something break ahead of them, although they didn't have time to check it out since they were all trying to get to the Hospital Wing, although Hagrid not-so-subtly tucked it in his pocket out of sight.

Professor Ed, who'd looked sick even before what'd happened, looked paler than Malfoy by the time they'd arrived, and Hermione pointed out blood stains on the shoulder of his robes before Madam Pomfrey whisked him away to her office. Hagrid entered the office with Alphonse once Lockhart was put in a bed, and McGonagall and Snape soon arrived, also walking into the office before slamming the door and likely locking and silencing it with magic.

"Oh I'm sure he's fine," Lockhart assured.

"You literally removed all of the bones from your leg," Fred argued.

"You don't really get to argue who's fine," George affirmed. Angelina waved them goodbye, probably not wanting to deal with the man longer than she had to, or going to get the rest of the team.

Snape suddenly stalked out of the office, a large frown on his face. "You really should've left it to Madam Pomfrey Gilderoy," he warned before stalking out of the wing. Lockhart's face, already pale, blanched farther. Something crashed to the floor in the office before the door was shut again.

"Is he going to be okay?" Hermione whispered quietly.

"I dunno, they sure locked him up in that office real quick," Ron said.

"Do you think it has to do with how he caught the bludger?" Harry asked

"Maybe," Hermione frowned. Madame Pomfrey exited the office, quickly shutting the door behind her. She looked flustered despite her best efforts to hide it.

"Now let's look at that broken arm," she said shakily. It took two spells, one to reset the elbow and another to fuse the bones together before Harry's arm was back to basically normal. Madam Pomfrey had him change Harry's shirt to a standard pajama shirt before putting his arm in a sling. "It's mostly healed but because it's a joint I want you to wear that for the next few days."

"Now _you_ Mr. Lockhart, what on earth were you thinking?" She scolded. "We have the Hospital Wing for a reason. Now I can heal broken bones in a jiffy but it takes time and pain to grow them back." She poured out a beaker full of potion from a large bottle, handing it to the man roughly. "You'll have to stay the night."

"Is Professor Ed alright?" Hermione asked.

Madam Pomfrey frowned, "We were able to stop the growth, but we'll have to do a minor surgery to get the extra bone out…"

"Surgery?" The twins asked.

"I'm sure he'll be fine, but Alphonse may choose to cancel classes until he recovers," she sent another pointed glare at Professor Lockhart. "Now you four ought to get cleaned up," she pointed to all of them but Harry, "You can stay or go, it's your choice."

Everyone turned to Harry, who turned to Lockhart, and then turned towards her office. "I'll stay I guess."

"Right then, now you four scat."

"We'll tell everyone you're okay Harry," the twins said together as they walked out of the hospital wing, still dripping rain and mud on the floor.

"You sure you'll be alright?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Harry assured.

"I'll bring you robes tomorrow morning!" Ron shouted as they left.

"Maybe he has a metal brace," Hermione pondered.

"What?"

"Professor Ed. I mean… Alphonse still can't really walk… And Ed has a little limp-"

"He does?"

"It's hard to tell when he's running around," she admitted. "Maybe he had the same thing as his brother, whatever it might be."

"Maybe," Ron conceded. "But fake hand's still way cooler." He wasn't surprised that Hermione slapped him.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Is it obvious that I'm posting this at two a.m. cuz I feel like it is**


	7. Severus - A Danny Phantom Fanfic

**Author's Note: If the joke title of the chapter didn't make sense, this chapters waaay too angsty**

 **TW: Vomiting, and I guess description of wounds. If you don't wanna read it just read the second and fourth sections of the chapter, the first and third are the gross ones, although the third section is definitely the worst.**

* * *

Severus snuck back into the hospital wing later that night, with a mission to accomplish and curiosities to be piqued. Potter was sleeping on one of the beds near the front of the wing, and on the other side of the room there was a curtain drawn where a quiet crying could be heard from the rather pathetic Gilderoy Lockhart.

Poppy's office was unlocked now that the crowds had dispersed, and he knocked quietly before opening the door. Her emergency operation was seemingly at a close, and she was using magic to sew the skin on the base of his neck back together. There was a large misshapen bone sitting on the side of the bed, looking like a collarbone on steroids, and the heavy metal arm was splayed out at the foot of the bed. Alphonse was sleeping on the small couch on the side wall of the room, although he didn't look particularly peaceful. He closed the door behind him, and the silencing spells took affect once more.

Poppy looked frustrated despite the procedure being done, and took a minute to look up at him.

"Were you able to fix the… contraption?" He asked.

"A few of the supports had been pushed through and had to be reattached and stabilized… If he'd gotten here a moment later it might've pushed through the port for the nerve endings… I'm not sure this is a good sign or a bad sign…" She held up the mutated bone. "It didn't start growing where the bone ended, it started growing off the side of it… I'm not sure if that proves growing back the arm wouldn't work or if Lockhart's spellwork was just that poor."

"It doesn't help that it was already inflamed from the weather… honestly he should've stayed inside," she tutted. "No use now… we won't know any after effects until he wakes up and Alphonse can help me reattach that… thing."

Severus picked up the metal arm, somewhat surprised by the weight. It was extremely intricate, he could tell even through the outer plates. The fact that someone managed to connect nerves through the contraption was somewhat disturbing, especially since it looked so much like muggle tech.

"Should it be this heavy?"

"No… but there's nothing I can do to fix that… It's probably stunted his growth…" she whispered quietly.

Severus frowned, "there are potions for that Poppy, you could've asked."

"I don't think I could make him take them… despite his complaints he doesn't like admitting there's anything wrong," she sighed. "What were you doing up here anyway Severus?"

"Ah right, Dumbledore and Minerva are coming up now… I'm afraid there's been another petrification," she gasped.

"What is it now?"

"A young Gryffindor first year… the one with the camera," Severus explained as they heard the doors to the wing open. They quickly left the office as the boy was being laid out on the bed, camera wedged tightly in the boy's hands.

"I found him on the stairs," Minerva explained. "I'm not sure which of the three he was waiting for but the result unfortunately…"

Dumbledore leaned over, carefully but forcefully pulling the camera out of the boys grip. When he tried to get a look at the film however, the camera burst open with a stream of smoke, and the film had been destroyed.

"Completely melted, what could've done this?" Poppy sighed sadly to herself.

"What does it mean?" Minerva pressed.

"It means… the Chamber of Secrets has truly been opened once more…" Dumbledore announced somberly.

"Who could've done such a thing?"

"Not who, but what," Albus frowned. Poppy grabbed a large fabric blanket, pulling it over the rigid boy. There was no way to close his terrified eyes.

Minerva and Albus eventually left, seemingly to figure out how to tell the students. Lockhart slid open his curtain, glaring at the petrified boy.

"If only the spell hadn't rebounded I might've been able to save that boy," the man said, mourning his ego.

"If only you hadn't cast the spell no one but the boy would be stuck here tonight," Snape clarified dryly. Madam Pomfrey carried Alphonse out from her office couch, putting him on the bed next to Harry, leaving Edward on the more private bed in her office.

"If you cared to know, the operation was successful," she told Lockhart before going to the other door in the wing that lead to her personal quarters. "Good night Severus."

* * *

Edward, who had proven alike to him only in stubbornness and a dislike for Lockhart had surprisingly stomped through the breakfast hall the next morning, right arm wrapped up like a mummy, although Severus suspected that the arm was just rolled up bandages since it hardly seemed to be pulling on the wrappings.

"Shouldn't you be resting Edward?" Minerva asked disapprovingly.

"Shouldn't someone competent be teaching Defense against the Dark Arts?" he snarked back tiredly, scooping up a ridiculous amount of food awkwardly with his left arm, clumsily plopping it on his plate. He sighed, "Sorry, I'm just annoyed."

"I don't blame you," she admitted. "No arm?" She whispered.

"Madam Pomfrey wants the muscles to heal a bit more since it's kind of heavy," he shrugged with his left arm. "I can still do alchemy, I just need to draw out the circles instead," he added, grabbing the fork with his left hand.

The twins entered the great hall, spotting Ed at the staff table, running up at a speed that was usually reserved for seekers.

"You lived!" George cheered.

"I told you Lockhart was too lame to kill him," Fred teased.

"Aren't you two aware that this is the staff table?" Severus sneered.

"Aren't you aware that Ed usually doesn't bother sitting here?" Fred sneered back.

"10 points from Gryffindor for mockery of a teacher," he replied.

"Severus, don't you have a better use of your time than antagonizing children?" Minerva asked, and Fred and George both laughed.

"Damn, 10 points to McGonagall," Ed said, and the twins broke back out into laughter before heading back to their own tables. He glared at Ed, who instead seemed to be obliviously shoveling breakfast down at a speed he should've choked on.

Other than the earlier action, the great hall seemed rather somber, especially the first years at Gryffindor table, who had lost someone they saw in class daily.

"Are we doing anything about the students?" Ed asked.

"Try to keep them calm for now, enforce tighter curfews," she suggested. "We're mostly going to have to go by the parent's reactions… I'm sure we'll get complaints… maybe a few students will be pulled…" Ed frowned.

"That's it?"

"We'll of course be trying to figure out who and what's doing this," Minerva countered.

"What if it's one of a kind? Specially bred, or transmuted or something?"

"Transmuted?" Minerva asked, and Edward blanched.

"I've been teaching the kids that alchemy doesn't work on living things, I don't even want them thinking about it really," he admitted, "only bad things come of it… but I have heard of a few chimeras that lived…" Minerva frowned at the implication, "I've checked any book in the library that even mentions the word Alchemy to make sure no one put anything in there. There was one book with medical alchemy I checked out just in case so no one could even try messing with that."

"Alchemy works on the human body?" he asked.

"Medical Alchemy is the only one you can do that won't immediately kill you, even then unless you've had years of training you'll just shorten your lifespan doing it, and it doesn't heal much."

"You sound like you're talking from experience," Severus pressed, and Ed seemed to shrink in on himself. He would've assumed the arm or the leg, but his left hand seemed to be pressing on a spot near his abdomen.

Minerva sighed, "I honestly don't know how you two are alive."

"Luck-toppled the government-" he and Ed answered the same time.

"What did you say Edward?" Minerva asked.

"Luck," Ed grinned. Minerva rolled her eyes. "Well, Alphonse read a bunch of books on magical creatures, I'll ask if he's seen anything that matches," he said, finishing his food, and excusing himself from the table. He walked away, with a very minor limp.

"Still nothing?" Minerva whispered.

"Absolutely nothing," He frowned. Those still aligned with the dark lord knew about the alchemy teacher and his brother from their children who went to Hogwarts, but they didn't know anything about him beforehand. "I hate to admit it… but they might just be, children…"

"How _awful,_ " Minerva replied sarcastically. He stabbed his fork into his eggs.

* * *

Madam Pomfrey stopped him the next day as he was going to the stairs up the library. The entire castle felt cold and muggy, with rain coming down hard enough that it sounded like pebbles were hitting all of the windows in the castle.

"Are you going upstairs?" She asked.

"Yes, why?"

"Can you bring this up to Edward? The storms made him sick again, and since he's already still recovering from surgery…" she frowned, handing him a flask. "Lockhart's moaning about how much pain he's still in, even though all his bones grew back yesterday morning, and then Minerva caught Edward trying to crawl to his classroom," she rolled her eyes.

"The weather can't be that affecting?" He questioned.

"Most people feel minor aches and pains when a storm hits with old injuries, pressure building up in the fluids on damaged nerves but… Ed's got metal support screwed into his bones, the skin and muscles don't even have room to inflame," she said aggravated, "I don't care how impressive those limbs are, I want to hit whoever invented them over the head with that metal arm," she huffed, and Severus laughed quietly at her angry expression.

"I'll bring it up," he replied.

She huffed, "Thank you Severus, I've got kids coming in left and right with colds…" They heard someone gagging in the wing, "Thank you." And she fled back into the wing. Severus shuddered before heading to the stairs. Edward was one of the only teachers who didn't block off his room with a portrait, although he assumed the boy could just seal their room off with transmutation whenever he wanted. Alphonse's cat was howling outside of their room door.

He knocked on the door, heard no response, and opened the door. Snape was surprised he hadn't smelt the acidic smell before entering the room. Ed was curled up on the floor with a stone bucket, (probably transmuted from the floor), dry heaving loudly in nothing but a tank top and shorts, long hair pulled up in what could best be described as a knot.. His right shoulder, without the bandages was heavily inflamed, some spots even bleeding from where it pressed against the metal. The stitches from just a few days ago, even after the healing had been sped up by magic had ripped open, leaking puss down his neck. The section where his right metal arm attached to his body looked like an infected zit. His leg wasn't nearly as bad, still red and inflamed, but just barely cutting into the skin.

Ed looked up, exhausted, and put on a strange grin, "And what brings you to my neck of the woods Severus?" He joked tiredly. "Finally get tired of skulking in the basement-" he dry heaved again.

"Why aren't you in the hospital ward?" Severus asked, slamming the flask down on Ed's bedside table.

"It wasn't that bad when Poppy last checked on me," Ed shrugged with his only arm. "There aren't any breaks in the alchemy schedule today, Al can't make the trip all the way to lunch on his own so I got the house elves to bring his lunch to him… probably too busy to come check up on me."

"And you didn't think to have one of the house-elves get Madam Pomfrey?" he barked.

Ed squinted, "What do you care, i'm stinking up my own room."

Severus frowned at the response. "That's getting infected, you need to go to Madam Pomfrey now."

"Oh yeah? You gonna make me go?" Ed sneered. Severus responded by grabbing the nearest blanket, tossing it at the boy, and picking him up like a blanket burrito. He wishes the action had been easy, but even without the metal arm, Edward was ridiculously heavy. "I expected you to be more wands on then hands on…" he mumbled from inside the blanket.

"I am not Professor Lockhart," Severus replied, kicking open the thankfully still slightly open door.

"More like Professor Goldilocks," he heard muffled, "This robe is too modest, this robe is too normal, but these golden ones are just right," Edward mocked. Severus stifled a laugh as they got to the stairs, and they luckily got down to the Hospital Wing before the class bell rang.

"Severus, is that Edward?" Poppy frowned.

"His stitches reopened, I believe it is getting infected," he answered. Students were taking up most of the beds, including the curtained off section where Colin Creevey was laid. Several students were looking at them curiously.

"I can't go between my office and the wing all day-"

"Poppy I don't really care if they know," Ed said muffled inside the blanket.

"I- Alright, Severus put him down," Poppy instructed. Snape gratefully put the heavy bundle down on the closest bed. And Poppy unwrapped him from the blanket, and the Ravenclaw boy on his right nearly fell off his bed. "Edward! You should've come to me immediately!"

"Professor Ed? What happened?" The student asked.

"Mister Nelson!" Poppy scolded, quickly running back to her office for materials.

"You ever see those kids sliding down the banister?" Edward asked very seriously, and the boy nodded. " _Don't do it._ " Ed whispered. The boy blanched in terror. "I'm kidding, but it's still dangerous."

"Did Professor Lockhart do… that?"

"No," Edward said, at least half-lying. Thunder pounded nearby, and Edward shrunk in on himself in pain. Poppy quickly rushed out of her office, several flasks, and a bundle of tools in her arms. She shut the curtains around Edward's bed, and quickly got to work. Severus excused himself, and instead ducked into Poppy's office. The room was a mess of pepper-up potions and hall passes, and it seemed she had unconsciously started using Edwards metal arm as a paper weight. Severus busied himself cleaning up, he didn't have another class until right before dinner anyway. He'd just tucked Edwards arm out of sight when he felt an annoying presence enter the room.

"Ah Severus, i thought you were Madam Pomfrey," Lockhart said graciously, entering the room with a very forced limp. "I was just going to push through it but one of my students made me _promise_ to come up here," he said rather 'bravely'. Severus rolled his eyes, "Is she not here?"

"She's currently helping Professor Elric-"

"Ah, I don't blame him for playing up his injury," Lockhart said graciously. He 'limped' out of the office, leaning over to glare under the curtains. "Ah there she is," and confidently whipped open the curtains. Severus admitted he also fainted pretty confidently. None of the students looked all that concerned, and Poppy whipped the curtains shut again.

Unfortunately Lockhart awoke rather quickly, sitting up, "Ah, my knee must've given out," the man laughed, pushing himself up. "I must admit Edwards injuries are a little more… injured than expected. Was that arm always… not there?"

"Yes Gilderoy, you didn't screw up _that_ badly," Severus sneered.

"Ah, well I know the spell to fix that right-" Lockhart declared as he pushed the man out of the hospital wing and slammed the doors shut.

"I don't care if you know how to cure cancer, you do not perform magic on students or teachers, understand?" he warned.

Lockhart nodded warily, "Right, well, better get to my next class," he said, walking off, seemingly forgetting his leg, and walking perfectly fine. Severus scowled before heading to the library, nearly having forgotten his earlier task.

* * *

It seems that even if the students in the Medical Wing had kept Edward's secret to themselves, Lockhart himself, couldn't keep his own mouth shut. And so, the great hall fell silent the next morning when Alphonse walked in without his brother.

He quickly limped over to the staff table, head hunched down towards the food. Lockhart at least had the decency to not show up.

"Is Edward still in the Hospital Wing?" Minerva asked.

"Yes, we canceled alchemy classes for today, although the classroom is still open for anyone who wants to study…" He said, picking at his breakfast, "I imagine the Weasley twins will find us to come work on their project though."

"What are they working on anyway?"

"Oh well, fourth and fifth years are working on their own projects. Ed wanted to teach them as much alchemy as they could, but if they weren't going to be using certain types, he didn't want to waste their time. Rather than teaching them through all the basic materials first he's helping them learn different specialties. One of the Slytherin boys in fifth year is learning fabric alchemy since his parents make robes."

"What are the Weasley Twins working on then?"

"Oh, well they're working together with Lee Jordan on basic pyrotechnics," he explained somewhat nervously.

"Pyrotechnics?" Severus questioned.

"Uh… well they're like mini muggle fireworks?"

"You taught the Weasley twins how to make explosives?" Minerva questioned in a low tone.

"No! Brother made all of the materials himself, they're just light shows. He doesn't let them take any of the materials with them, and he only gives them a small amount when supervised. He knows how much material creates how large of an explosion, he's never let them get taller than a foot," he argued.

"How do you know they won't just steal the materials?" Severus questioned.

"Brother sealed them into a cubby in the wall, and he hasn't taught anyone stone alchemy yet. Besides they know how dangerous it is, we make ourselves available as much as we can so the students can check any circle they come up with. A decent amount of our fourth and fifth years come in Wednesday to try things even if they don't have class that day."

"Besides, we know better than anybody what happens when you let alchemy go unsuper-"

"Alphonse!" The twins shouted, strolling up to the staff table.

"Is Ed still in the Medical Wing?" George asked.

"We think we worked out the next circle," Fred added, passing over the notebook.

"It's the smoke one right?" Al asked, taking a look, the twins nodded. "You're missing a circle, but that's it."

The twins looked over the circle, "I don't see it." Fred frowned.

"Oh, in the sugar rune?" George questioned. Al grinned as George quickly drew it in.

"Finally!" They cheered.

"I can have the next set done by lunch if you want to come to the hospital wing," Al added.

"Sweet, wanted to see-" Fred started.

"-Professor Ed anyway," George agreed. They waved and walked away back to Gryffindor table.

"They're doing… homework," Severus questioned.

"Yeah they always do their homework, they like Alchemy a lot," Al mentioned happily.

"The Weasley twins… are gladly doing homework," Minerva agreed with Severus, skeptically drinking her tea. Alphonse looked at them both like they'd grown two heads.


	8. Luna - T-Posing

**Author's Note: The line things from google docs transfer over to FF and what a blessing that is. Also RIP the people who followed me hoping that I was updating that Doctor Who, Sherlock Crossover cuz I am SPAMMING their emails, oops.**

* * *

There were rumours about the Elric brothers spreading through Hogwarts like a wildfire. Some said Lockhart cursed off his limbs, some said he'd been attacked by a magical creature and won, some muggleborns were insisting that he'd consumed something called Pop-Rocks and Coca-Cola at the same time and it caused his limbs to blow off.

Luna wondered how no-one had ever noticed before. She was a little more observant that most, no-one else saw the things she did, and it earned her the nickname Loony-Luna. But how anyone missed his off-pattern footsteps, or the way his elbow creaked when he hit his hands on the desk in alchemy was beyond her.

While she was a first year, and they were just finishing up the wood alchemy section in class, Alphonse had been helping her learn fabric alchemy on the side, she had a sneaking suspicion her classmates were stealing her things. It would be nice to be able to make her own clothes just in case. The twins had mentioned that Al was going to help them with Alchemy despite class being canceled, and she took her notebook with her as she went to the Medical Wing.

Hagrid was standing outside of the wing like a large fluffy security guard, denying a bunch of random kids from entering the room.

"And wha' are ya here fo' today Miss Lovegood?" He asked.

"I wanted to ask Alphonse an alchemy question?" She showed off her notebook.

"O'all righ' then," and lightly pushed her inside. Professor Ed was helping the twins in his bed, the right side of his neck heavily bandage and right arm still missing. Alphonse looked up from where he was sitting at his brother's legs, grinning widely.

"Oh, hi Luna," he waved her over, and she pulled up a chair that had been next to the sleeping Hufflepuff girl on the bed next to him, handing over her notes.

Alphonse turned the paper around several times, staring in curiosity. "It's a little… complicated, but it looks right?" he passed it over to his brother.

"It is right, very useful too, lets you do a lot more without risking a rebound," Ed agreed before looking up tiredly, "Wait, first year. Hi Luna," he waved out of focus.

"Looks like that potion finally kicked in," Fred laughed.

"Sorry about that," Ed pinched the bridge of his nose. "Where'd you learn all the…" he flapped his hands.

"Not sure, just feels natural," she shrugged.

Unlike most teachers who would've accused her of cheating, the brothers accepted the answer easily.

Then she was in the hallway, and the bell to get to the next class was ringing. She was holding Alphonse's notes for the next fabric transmutation, and shook her head and got going. Her memory occasionally… glitched, when hanging around the Elric brothers. She didn't mind, she just hoped no-one would ask her about it.

* * *

Luna was alone in the library with the exception of Madam Pince, Hermione from Gryffindor, and Alphonse's cat Winry, when the cat suddenly started howling. Madam Pince began to shush the cat, when the ghost appeared. It hadn't come through the walls or floors, and it wasn't one that she'd ever seen before, instead appearing in a dusty wave of smoke.

Hermione nearly threw her book when the ghost fully appeared, and Winry ran off quickly, although she just stared the man in the eyes. He was dressed in old fashioned muggle clothes, with glasses and long hair pulled into a ponytail, immediately focusing on her with sharp eyes.

"Do you know where the boys are?"

"They're in the Medical Wing, three floors down," she answered, and the ghost nodded, floating away.

"Who was that?" Hermione asked

"No idea," she shrugged.

"How'd you know who 'the boys' are then?" Hermione questioned skeptically.

"He looks just like them, Ed and Al that is. He looks more like Ed though," Luna answered, and Hermione looked stricken aback.

"Oh god," Hermione quickly packed up her things and left, running despite Pince's yell to slow down. Luna decided to follow, just stacking her books in her arms and walking, than running after her once out of the library. She was easy to catch since Luna knew the staircases well enough, and she caught her ranting.

"-i'd never really thought about his other family since Alphonse came with him but I'd never of thought- He's been in the hospital wing for days, not to mention the fact everyone's been pestering him about his arm and leg, and now his father might be dead-"

"That was definitely a ghost-"

"We don't know it's his father!" She argued, as they dashed to the library, where Hagrid quickly pulled them to the side as a metal arm went flying through the open doorway. Luna picked up the heavy arm with care, checking the wires to make sure they weren't stripped.

"So this is what it looks like," Luna mumbled, tucking the arm under her own.

"FIVE MONTHS AND THIS IS HOW YOU SHOW UP!?"

"I thought you were dead-"

"YOU ARE DEAD!"

"I guess we didn't make it to warn them," Hermione panted.

"Oh, that's what we were doing," Luna mumbled.

"I don' think they're havin' the best o' family reunions," Hagrid mumbled to himself, and Winry the cat yowled loudly from inside.

"Hagrid do you know why they're fighting?"

"'s no' my place," he insisted.

"EDWARD LEAVE YOUR LEG ON, OR SO HELP ME-" They heard Madam Pomfrey yell from inside.

"I don't think Ed and his father get along," Luna added.

"What gave you that idea," Hermione huffed.

"YOU DUMB OLD BASTARD GET OUT OF HERE!" Edward shouted, and there was a transmutation sound and a white metal chair was tossed through the doorway. The ghost floated out of the room with Winry on his tail, looking annoyed and like he'd very much like to slam the doors on his own, although that was seemingly handled by Madam Pomfrey.

"He's still such an impudent brat," the man complained "I thought he'd gotten over his rebellious phase," he added, before floating off. Hagrid looked annoyed with the ghost while Hermione picked up the metal chair.

Madam Pomfrey re-opened the doors when she remembered that Professor Ed had tossed his limb through the open doorway, and likely through the ghost. She ushered them inside along with Hagrid and the cat.

Edward looked absolutely ruffled, hunched over on his few remaining limbs, fist curled tight in rage as Alphonse tried to calm him down. Winry jumped onto the bed and began vibrating violently in his lap, but it didn't seem to help.

"We finally go to put the arm back on and he floats in," Madam Pomfrey complained to herself, checking over the arm for damage. "Doesn't say hello, doesn't explain what happened or how he died, just started going on a rant about some promised-day nonsense. I would've thrown something too- Alphonse, can I have the wrench you made?"

They watched Madam Pomfrey plug all the wires in before jamming the arm in the port. "Does that feel alright?"

"Feels like usual," Ed shrugged, seemingly tired from arguing. Madam Pomfrey pulled open one of the moveable armor pieces of his arm, attaching the wrench to the bolt that Alphonse pointed out.

"One, two, three-" she quickly yanked the lever, and the arm sprung to life, twitching awkwardly. Edward grunted and air blew from his nose, eyes forced closed, and flesh hand wrapped tightly in the blankets. "Did I do that right or-"

"It's fine, that always happens," Ed grunted through his teeth. Madam Pomfrey looked skeptical, but since his brother didn't argue, she let it go, but Hermione looked upset.

"I'm sorry, we tried to beat him here-"

"It's fine, you wouldn't've known," Al stopped her. Professor Ed had curled onto his left side, flesh hand massaging his metal shoulder against all logic. The cat curled into his stomach like a heating pad.

"Right…" she frowned. 'Sorry I'll-we'll go," Hermione grabbed her hand, pulling her along.

* * *

Professor Lockhart was gossiping again as he told his daily stories, because that's all they really were, they weren't being taught anything.

"Now i've fought werewolves before, those are really the only things that could tear off limbs like that-"

"Uhm Professor Lockhart… people have had classes with Professor Ed on full moon nights… " One of the hufflepuff girls argued.

"Well obviously if his limbs were torn off then the bite wouldn't have time to spread," he replied confidently. Naturally the whole class went straight up to Professor Ed's classroom despite class not being over, and asked if it was right. He simply replied with, "God that sounds way more interesting," and then went off trying to wrangle his fourth years back as they howled with laughter. They went back to class whispering to each other, before declaring to Lockhart's bewildered face that his guess was wrong.

Apparently there was no point of making rumors about a teacher when he was only one staircase away. Lockhart didn't seem to get the lesson, and instead rambled on about different theories long enough that Professor Ed and his class had to come downstairs to save her class the time.

Luna thought it was the best defense class that year.

* * *

Serious rumors about the Professor ended several days after his arm was reattached, and instead, people would just make something up whenever asked, including the professor himself, who had so far claimed he'd fought a bear and lost, got them stuck up Professors Snape's nose, and that he was secretly a robot and that the flesh parts of his body were the fake parts.

Of course that didn't stop anyone from figuring out about Hogwarts new ghost, who seemed to float into the alchemy classes whenever he felt like it, critiquing Edward's teaching style until someone, usually Ed, although occasionally it was a student who was trying to focus, threw a book at him or yelled at him until he left. (Apparently Hermione had great aim, even if no one could actually hit the ghost). Even if they weren't learning "efficiently" they were having fun, and as the Weasley twins wisely put it, the old ghost 'could go take his own advice and shove it up his spectral ass.'

"If he'd been my dad, I would've taken my brother and screwed off too," Ron Weasley joked in the hallway, on the way out of the alchemy room, with a sucker stuck halfway out his mouth. Hermione slapped him and he nearly choked.

"Ron we don't know the whole story! That might not be it at all," Hermione complained.

"I'm just joking He'mione," he whined, rubbing the back of his head. "But you have to admit the guy seems a bit loony in the head, Ed seems normal in comparison."

"The grey lady really doesn't like him either," Hermione added, "I caught her and Ed ranting to each other about "annoying know-it-all parents," and then she tried to slap his dad the next time she saw him."

"Even the ghosts don't like him!" Ron shouted, arms flailing.

"Why did he show up here though," Hermione complained. "It's not like he'd gone to school here I've asked. And him and Ed don't get along at all.

"I mean, Alphonse seems to like him," Harry added.

"That's because Alphonse only has enough room in his heart to hate one person, and that person is Lockhart," Ron added jokingly. Their path split and the trio went down the stairs and she went up towards the library.

Either because he formed there or because he was just as much of a bookworm as the boys, the ghost could usually be found in the library after he'd been kicked out of whatever space he'd been haunting.

The ghost was in the library, sitting on the floor with a book, quickly swiping his hand over the book, generating just enough wind to flip the page. "What do you want?"

"It's Tuesday, I don't have a class today and Professor Ed has classes until after dinner. I was wondering if you could check one of my circles for wool?"

"I would think Edward would've told you to stay away from me," the man said, still looking when she held the notes out, "he's usually petty like that," he added, missing the irony. He frowned, looking at the circle. "I thought you were one of the younger students?"

"I am."

"Don't lie," the man argued. "Young people like you shouldn't know alchemy like this unless you've done something you weren't supposed to."

"I haven't done anything…" She mumbled, and the spectre floated in a little too close for her liking.

"What kind of alchemy have you done, answer me!" the ghost would've probably grabbed her if it could, and Luna stumbled back slightly.

"Hey!" Ginny shouted, stomping into the library. "Leave Luna alone!"

"QUIET IN THE LIBRARY!"

Ginny grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her away from the silver and gold spectre, stomping angrily. Luckily he didn't follow them out of the room, "Do you want to come to Alchemy with me?"

"Oh I had mine yesterday-"

"I don't think Professor Ed really cares, you wouldn't be skipping anything anyway right?" Ginny added. She seemed a little stressed, and it wasn't like she would be missing anything.

"Sure," Luna agreed, and Ginny relaxed, and the grip on her hand loosened considerably as they went down the stairs. "Are you alright, you've got Wrackspurts floating around."

Ginny looked questioningly before sighing, "I just haven't been sleeping that well… nightmares you know."

"Hmmm… must be something else then," she decided. When they arrived Professor Ed didn't seem to mind, instead starting the class, (it was the same lesson from yesterday but she didn't mind).

"This will be the last unit of the wood alchemy section, and then there'll be a practical exam, if you pass, you get permission to practice wood alchemy without supervision, although I do ask that there be someone, friend, classmate, housemate, there with you just in case something goes wrong."

"The practical will consist of transmuting your desks into something, whatever you like, as long as it is a different kind of wood, and then transmuting the desk back into it's natural pine state, back to the original dimensions. The goal is to be able to do it seamlessly, so that you should be able to fix any mistakes you might make."

"If you don't pass it doesn't mean you won't ever to be able to do it out of class, and you can retake the test at any time. We will all be starting the stone unit next week regardless to whether or not you pass-"

Luna zoned out slightly, waiting for the main lesson to be finished before they switched to practical work. Alphonse came over with his cane, lightly limping. "Your circle looks great!" he cheered.

"Your dad didn't like it… he was wondering how i knew how to make it… he seemed angry."

"Hoenheim doesn't… know anything… I'll talk to him Luna. He's just a paranoid old man."

Hoenheim didn't seem to get the memo, and floated up through the floor. "Edward, what are you teaching these children."

"Alchemy today, but tomorrow I teach Pastry making," he answered sarcastically. Al quickly limped over to his brother, whispering into his ear. They both hissed at the ghost before 'dragging' him out of the classroom.

"How long until Professor Ed figures out how to punch ghosts?" one of the Hufflepuffs joked.

"I'd give it another week," their partner replied.

They all stomped/floated back into the classroom a minute later. The ghost glared at her, but said nothing before floating out through the wall. The class was awkwardly quiet until the bell rang.

* * *

All of the heads of houses were going around the next morning at breakfast, checking which students would be staying at Hogwarts over the winter break. There didn't seem to be many people signing up to stay, her father wouldn't let her stay like most parents, happy to have their children out of the castle.

Snape was trying to convince Edward to do something at the staff table based on their expressions, with Professor Ed looking extremely skeptical. The Weasley bunch all signed onto the list at Gryffindor table, and she felt rather sad about leaving Ginny behind, she still seemed to be having those nightmares, the only smiles on her face from when she hastily scribbled in that black diary.

The diary gave off a rather awful air, although she hadn't been able to figure out why. The Weasley's wouldn't have any cursed artifacts, they were a good wizarding family, so she assumed it must be possessed by some creature invisible to the human mind. She planned to ask her father about it when she went home for Christmas.

She headed to class worried about the castle and everyone in it. And then she was in the potions corridor as the bell rang. She quickly tried to adjust, watching the second year Gryffindors and Slytherins pour out of the class, most of them looking like they were recovering from bee stings, all soft and puffy. Hermione Granger was fumbling with something in her robes as the trio took off, seemingly unaffected by the chaos.


	9. George - That's a Future Meme But Go Off

**Author's Note: I wonder if those three first viewers have stuck around this long? God I sound weird**

* * *

Professor Ed was their favorite professor for many reasons. He let them do anything they wanted within reason as long as him or his brother were supervising, there were little to no deadlines and they were allowed to learn at any speed they liked. He hated Lockhart and wasn't too chummy with Snape. And best of all, he was funsized even if he was ridiculously heavy, and so the twins could pick him up whenever they liked. Which is what they did when he was leaving breakfast that morning.

"Professor Ed!" they cheered, each grabbing an arm and lifting him up.

"Isn't it too early for this?" He asked tiredly. He'd stopped fighting them a while ago.

"Absolutely not," Fred denied.

"Saw you arguing with Dracula at the staff table?" George questioned.

"He was convincing me to help him keep an eye on Lockhart with him during Dueling club tonight," He grumbled as they put him down.

"Dueling club?" They questioned.

"Yeah, in Snape's words, 'it's somewhere for the students to learn defense since that bumbling idiot doesn't seem to be teaching them anything.' But since Lockhart's the defence teacher…" Ed grumbled as they put him down.

"Well, maybe you'll get to punch Lockhart," Fred joked.

"The only benefit," Ed sighed, and they both laughed. Ed was even more wrapped up than usual, limping casually. "I think a blizzard might be on the way," he frowned, hand resting on his shoulder.

The twins both frowned, the professor always seemed to be missing when the weather got bad, but he didn't seem sick yet. "See you at dueling club?"

"Yeah I'll be there," Professor Ed agreed. They waited for Alphonse to catch up before heading separate ways.

* * *

"Gather round everyone! Dueling club is about to begin!" Lockhart cheered, and the twins snickered at the trio's disgusted look as the man strolled in. The fireplaces in the emptied great hall were roaring against the force of the Blizzard, enchantments keeping the heat from escaping.

Professor Ed was standing off to the side with Snape, arms folded and a long pale, winding wand stuck in his left hand. They hadn't actually ever seen the professor with a wand they realized, and never seen him do magic.

"Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to have this little dueling club-"

"Because they got a vampire and a teenager to supervise him-" Fred whispered, and George stifled a laugh.

"-to train you in case you ever need to defend yourself, as I have done on multiple occasions, if you hadn't read my books,"

"You made us all buy them," George whispered.

"-and continue to do even after the unfortunate incident with my leg-"

"You did that to yourself, but go off I guess," Fred muttered to themselves loudly enough that a few nearby Ravenclaws snickered.

"Now. Let me introduce my assistants, Professors Snape and Elric-"

"CUT HIS HEAD OFF PROFESSOR ED!"

"IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF DUELING, RON!" the room erupted with quiet laughter.

Lockhart looked rather annoyed with all the interruptions, "Severus tells me he knows a tiny little bit about Dueling, although I doubt Edward's ever done so with magic, but they both sportingly agreed to help with a short demonstration. Now I don't want you kids to worry, you won't get your Professors back in pieces… Or at least you'll get them back as they came," he added awkwardly, and Professor Ed rolled his eyes.

"You think Ed can take 'em both out?" He heard Ron ask Harry from further up in the crowd.

Ed seemed fine to watch as the two other teachers turned to face each other off, wands raised like swords.

"As you can tell, we're both holding our wands in approved-combat position, on the count of three we will both cast to disarm-"

"This'll really help when Slytherin's monster shows up, I'm sure a minor disarming spell with get rid of that thing," Fred grumbled to himself.

They both shouted "Expelliarmus!" and Lockhart was rather spectacularly tossed into the air towards the back wall, hitting it and sliding down into a rather dramatic sprawl.

"Do you think he's dead?" Hermione worried.

"Man, I hope so!" Harry and Ron cheered.

Lockhart got up unsteadily, dizzy on his feet, "Well, there it was," he nearly tripped getting back onto the raised platform. "Uh I think I've misplaced my- Ah thank you Miss Brown- An excellent demonstration by Professor Snape, but it was obvious what you were going to do," he defended stumbling to a stop. "I let him do that for, demonstrative purposes."

Snape and Ed's eyes looked ready to roll out of their heads, along with most of the audience, and Lockhart quickly moved on to dodge the pointed glares, "Right then, let's split you all into pairs. Severus, Elric, if you could help me-"

Ed luckily took their side of the room, matching them together, and Ron and Hermione together before Snape kidnapped Harry to duel with Malfoy.

"Face your partners, and bow-" Lockhart instructed. Fred turned to him, instead doing a rather exaggerated curtsy, while he responded with a mimed tip of the hat.

"And on the count of three move to disarm your opponents- only to disarm," Lockhart warned. "And one… two… three-"

The room descended into chaos, Harry already on the ground before the rest of the room even waved their wands. Naturally Malfoy fought dirty.

George casually disarmed Fred, just enough to toss his wand, but they quickly moved to dodge someone else's spell that went way off target. While the room should've just been filled with vibrant red and pale white light, there seemed to be a variety of spells flying around.

"I said _disarm_ only-" Lockhart shouted in false sternness, but no-one seemed to care.

Professor Ed was seemingly trying to stop as many of the vicious fights as possible, he was eventually hit by a fifth years, _bombarda_ and was blown over to the other side of the platform. Fred and George quickly hopped over the stage, expecting the Professor to be down for the count, and instead just finding a singed sleeve over the professor's metal arm.

They saw a fifth year Slytherin point his wand at the tiny Hufflepuff second year he'd been paired with, and Edward quickly lept in between the pair, taking a _stupefy_ to his metal arm, which jerked before falling limp at his side with a faint grunt from the professor.

"FINITE INCANTATEM!" Professor Snape shouted, and suddenly all of the chaos in the room stopped.

"I never would have said it before this year-" Fred started.

"But thank _god_ for Professor Snape," George agreed.

Professor Ed was knocking on his metal shoulder like something had come loose, but luckily Snape seemed to notice and cast the charm again directly at the metal arm, which painfully, but quickly resumed function.

"Oh dear," Lockhart muttered nervously, walking around the room, "Well, I'm sure that will stop bleeding if you pinch it hard enough-Maybe we should try… blocking spells?" He asked himself, clearly unsure of his actions. "Let's put uh… Neville and Professor Ed?"

"I think Edwards been hit by enough awry spells tonight, better not send him to Madam Pomfrey in more pieces than usual. How about Malfoy and Potter," Snape suggested. Edward looked annoyed and relieved simultaneously, probably glad Snape hadn't fully tossed him under the bus.

"Excellent idea!" Lockhart agreed, if only to cover his own ass.

Harry cautiously got on the stage with Malfoy, and the three of them stood next to a Hufflepuff boy from second year and Neville, who'd apparently been battling him.

"Now Harry, when Draco points his wand at you do this-" Lockharts wrist spun in a multitude of seemingly random directions before it slipped out of his hand. "Ah, oopsie-daisy," he picked up the wand, "Good luck!"

"So much for the boy who lived," Fred joked.

"Wait what do I do?" Harry suddenly seemed to realize Lockhart hadn't taught him anything.

"Just do what I did!"

"What, drop my wand?" Harry asked confusedly as Lockhart suddenly shouted "Three!"

"SERPENSORTIA!" Malfoy shouted, wand raised, and a large black snake shot out of the tip of his wand, landing on the stage with a loud thump, hissing loudly. Most people backed away from the stage as it slithered towards Harry.

"Don't move I-"

Snape didn't get a chance as Lockhart pushed past him, "Allow me!" He confidently wove his hand, and the snake was blasted several feet into the air like Ed had been thrown earlier, and hit the stage with another thump. The snake, agitated, quickly turned towards the closest person, which happened to be the Hufflepuff second year.

Harry started doing something, hissing like a snake, it looked utterly ridiculous but the snake stopped moving. Professor Ed quickly moved forward, grabbing the snake by the head with his metal hand. The body of the snake wriggled angrily, but couldn't attack.

"What the hell was that?" the Hufflepuff stuttered as Snape came over and quickly vanished the snake.

"Well either Harry was trying to speak snake-" George deduced.

"-Or he's developed a rather spectacular lisp in the last three minutes," Fred joked.

The Hufflepuff still looked anxious, but less like he was about to flee the room. Ron and Hermione quickly pulled Harry off stage, and despite the fact there was still half an hour left of dueling club, most of the group began to leave, chattering aimlessly. Professor Ed grabbed his many coats that were piled up on the floor, and began shrugging them on as they left.

"Man I can't believe Snape kicked Lockhart's ass-"

"Maybe Potter was speaking Parseltongue?"

"He's a Gryffindor you bloody idiot-"

"I mean, Draco's the one who made the snake, maybe he's the heir-"

"I mean, who else could it be?"

"I really wanted to see Professor Ed kill Lockhart though-"

"I wanted to see myself kill Professor Lockhart," Ed admitted, and the group that was gossiping laughed. When they got to the second floor, Professor Ed waved goodnight, and the rest of the group kept going up to the dormitories, splitting up by house depending on the floor.

They eventually caught up with the second year trio, who were whispering at each other like always.

"So Harry Potter, king of the snakes-"Fred announced dramatically.

"Very funny," Ron said sarcastically.

"We're just joking, no-one seems to care about it anyway, too disappointed that Little Eddie didn't slice off Lockhart's head with a sword," George added, and everyone but Hermione quietly snickered.

"He's doing his best!" Hermione argued.

"I know, Ed was disappointed too-" Fred joked.

"I meant Lockhart!" Hermione clarified.

"If that's his best I can't imagine his worst," George grimaced, Hermione walked ahead of them, stomping up to the Fat Lady. George couldn't imagine how she still liked the Defense Professor.

* * *

The blizzard was slamming into Hogwarts the next day and all outdoor classes were canceled, mostly consisting of Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, and Astronomy. Hagrid was even given a room in the castle last night, and for the near future, with Fang slobbering around the castle, clearly happy with the environment change.

Professor Ed looked like a coat rack with the way he was bundled up at Gryffindor table during lunch, a large fluffy hat stuffed on his head, and Winry sat on his lap, content with being a heating pad. Alphonse, dressed like a normal human being, was drinking hot cocoa, chatting happily with Neville.

Lockhart was at the staff table rejoicing the staff about how successful dueling club was, and darling Professor McGonagall, just like always, looked like she wanted to stab the man in the hand with a fork. Professor Snape, who'd apparently given up, was sitting at Slytherin table with several seventh years.

"You cold Ed?" He joked. Ed simply took off the glove on his right hand, and pressed it directly against his face as he sat down. George recoiled from the freezing hand. "Alright, fair enough."

Ed pulled the glove back on, going back to his breakfast. Alphonse looked almost completely normal, with the exception of his slightly odd walking pattern, and somewhat thin frame. He was walking with little to no assistance, but still used his cane and the railing when he used the stairs.

"Are you staying during the winter break?" Alphonse asked.

"Of course we are, the Weasley's don't turn tail and hide just because a monster's running around petrifying students," Fred announced, puffing up his chest.

"Besides, as awful as it is, I don't think it's going after purebloods based off of the legend," George added.

"I think the other two musketeers are staying though," Lee jabbed his thumb further down the table to Harry and Hermione.

"George, we must dedicate our winter break to protect our dearest Hermione-"

"-Using the valuable skills that we've learned from dueling club!" George cheered, and they both puffed up like Lockhart must do every morning in the mirror.

"What, do you mean dropping your wand and running?" Ed joked.

"Exactly," Fred said snobbishly, "It's a Lockhart patented maneuver."

They all snickered at the comment, until suddenly the Elric Brothers father burst through the table like a ghostly jack-in-the-box. Lee threw his sandwich so hard it hit a Slytherin far across the hall in the head.

"There's been another attack, One of the ghosts and a Hufflepuff boy have been petrified," he warned. Professor Ed quickly jumped from the table and ran to Dumbledore, with Winry just barely being able to land on her feet from the fast disturbance of her seat. Fred pulled out the Marauder's Map from his robes, activating it and shoving it under the table. The ghost looked at the map in interest before pointing out two stationary names by the transfiguration corridor.

Dumbledore and all the teacher's quickly ran by, and they caught up with Ed, limping as usual, "It's Justin and Nearly Headless Nick in the transfiguration corridor-"

"Thanks, but stay here!" Ed warned, running off after the others. All of the students turned towards the ghost, who suddenly seemed very uncomfortable with being the only adult in the room.

"Hey what's going on!"

"Where are the teacher's going?"

The ghost awkwardly went to the podium at the back of the great hall, not really caring whether or not the staff wanted the news to be kept secret.

"There has been another attack, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington have been petrified," he announced, Hufflepuff table and the rest of the muggleborns seemed distraught while half of the room seemed confused.

"Who?"

"HE MEANS NEARLY HEADLESS NICK!" George clarified, and the rest of the room fell into chaos.

Ginny started crying, a Hufflepuff muggleborn fainted, and a Ravenclaw ran out of the room screaming. Ginny was the only person they could help, and they both quickly sat on both sides of her, and Winry the cat, like always, quickly jumped into her lap.

They kept Ginny company until Dumbledore arrived, clearly sensing that everyone already knew the news, and canceled the rest of the classes for the day, and everyone stampeded to their dormitories, ready to barricade themselves in the only location that still felt safe.

* * *

The next morning ninety percent of the names that had been on the Hogwarts stay list had been crossed off, and everyone seemed on edge.

"I can't believe you guys are staying," Angelina grumbled into her tea.

"Oh come on, you know how tough we are-" Fred flexed. His arms practically twigs in compared to hers.

"Plus we aren't muggleborns," George added.

"Nearly Headless Nick is a ghost and he still got petrified," she argued, "A GHOST."

"Yeah, but he might've been a muggleborn ghost," Fred argued.

"Just because it only goes after muggle-borns does not mean you can't get caught in the crosshairs," she argued, slamming her empty teacup down on the table and stomping off.

"She isn't wrong you know," Lee added quietly.

"Oh come on mate, not you too," Fred groaned.

"A lot of people's parents aren't even letting their kids come back after winter break regardless of blood," Lee added. Fred and George frowned.

"One stupid monster and everyone flees. Noones even died-"

"Someone died the _last_ time it got let out. They expelled someone for it and it came back anyway," Lee warned, "I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just saying the optimism's in bad taste."

They frowned again as he left, running after Angelina. Ed and Alphonse entered the hall late, with Alphonse steering his brother towards them, as he seemed dead on his feet.

"They did a whole castle search last night," Alphonse explained as Ed collapsed onto the bench, promptly face planting into the table, "Ed volunteered and got a little too… into it."

"When did you go to bed?" George laughed.

"I didn't," Ed groaned. They noticed he was indeed wearing the robes from yesterday.

"Rest in peace," Fred mourned, as several other exhausted teachers walked in, including Snape and McGonagall, but not Lockhart, who apparently valued beauty sleep over the safety of children, and had been at the staff table the entire time.

"Might wanna change," George advised.

Ed looked down at his robes, frowned, and transmuted them right on his body. The fabrics all switched colors with each other right before their eyes.

"Wicked," they cheered.

"Wait, do you do that everyday?" George questioned, and Ed winked before walking off, presumably to try and find a house elf that could make coffee. Alphonse stayed for another minute before following, limping less than his brother.

* * *

When they arrived in the alchemy classroom, they weren't surprised to find professor Ed asleep in the front of the room, legs up on his desk, Winry on his lap, and head against the blackboard. The blackboard itself was doodled on by a number of people, and someone had drawn cat ears in chalk behind his head. There was also a chart which said "classes since Professor Ed woke up" with two tally marks before that. Then there was a ridiculous amount of doodles, along with several more artistic drawings of Ed slaying Lockhart with a sword. The only official thing on the board was "STUDY HALL" written in Alphonse's blocky handwriting, and a small note that he'd be in the library if anyone needed help with anything.

They loudly took seats at the front of the room, but Professor Ed was apparently too tired to wake up from that, and since they'd rather not be killed by Ed for purposefully waking him, they sighed and went to their notes as their classmates entered. The last kid casually barricaded the door shut with a chair like it would be able to stop any monster that tried to get in the room

A few of the Ravenclaws took the class time to work on their History of Magic homework due next block, and occasionally a student, usually with someone else just for safety, would go up to the library to ask Alphonse a question. The bell eventually rang, and everyone but them left. They didn't really have a place to be since Herbology was still canceled, and didn't feel like moving to the library or common room.

Fred got up and added another tally mark to the board, before sitting back on top of their desk as the fifth years entered. The first group of students entered very similarly to them, slamming their books down on their desk, but the Professor barely twitched.

"Is he petrified or sleeping?" One of the Gryffindor's joked.

"Not pale enough to be petrified," another replied. "Don't you guys have Herbology?"

"Nah, canceled from the snow," Fred answered. The older Gryffindors shrugged and sat down.

A few of the Slytherins spent the class trying to wake the Professor up from a safe distance, tossing little balls of paper from right beside the door, ready to book it just in case. The Professor didn't wake up, even when one bounced off his eyelid, and they admitted defeat as the bell rang for dinner.

Fred added a successful fourth talley before shaking the Professor by his left shoulder until he woke up, blinking tiredly, and luckily not ticked off, "It's dinner time."

"But… I didn't have a single class," Ed mumbled, getting up and stretching.

"You technically did, you just slept through all of them," George said, pointing to the heavily doodled board.

"Oops," he admitted, and they both snickered. The Professor shrugged on his many jackets before limping to the door.

"Did you break your leg?" Fred asked.

"No, I think the knees jammed or something," Ed shrugged, banging on the knee plate with his metal hand, other than a rather spectacular banging noise, it didn't seem to do anything. "I'll clean it out tonight and see if it does anything," he grumbled as they went down the stairs.

Alphonse had managed to beat them down, and was standing by the Great Hall doors, lightly balancing on his cane. "Is your leg still acting up?" he worried.

"It's fine," Ed grumbled, limping past him. Alphonse frowned, but followed after him. The twins shrugged and joined him.

Professor Ed, not really one to care about modesty or adult standards had rolled up his pant leg the second he'd sat down, doing several exercises, that made it seem like the leg was working fine, and that students were very easily distractible when fake legs were involved. The trio had slid down the table to watch, with Hermione staring intently.

Ed frowned but fixed his pant leg, stretching out his legs before going to flip to the right side of the table when Hermione suddenly cried, "Oh that's what's wrong!"

"What's what's wrong?" Ed asked, stopping with his legs on the bench.

"Oh I see it," Fred laughed, pushing down the Professor's knees so his legs were flat down on the bench. "You idiot, you've outgrown the stupid thing."

Ed frowned, finally realizing his flesh leg went at least an inch past the other one. He stretched out his arms, and realized they were nearly as bad.

"I'm sure Flitwick knows a charm to extend the things without screwing them up," George added.

"Right," Ed still looked annoyed as he turned towards the food, scooping up a large portion of ham before eating it faster than should be humanly possible.

"Ah our dear Professor Ed," Fred swooned.

"He grows up so fast-" George agreed, landing in his brothers arms. Ed looked like he wanted to punch them, and probably would've if he wasn't eating.

* * *

Sure enough, the next day Professor Ed wasn't limping, apparently fixed up by Professor Flitwick like he was some sort of mechanic. The great hall was decently empty, as most students were packing up for the winter break, or in more unfortunate cases, were packing to stay home until Hogwarts was once again safe.

Snape was once again at Slytherin table, and they watched Professor McGonagall get more and more irritated with Lockharts babbling, until she slammed down her goblet, grabbed her breakfast, and came over, sitting down next to Professor Ed. Professor Lockhart looked around at the staff table, finally just realizing that most of the people he talked to had disappeared.

"I give up," she sighed, taking a long sip from her goblet as Professor Ed sniggered. Dumbledore looked rather amused from his spot at the staff table, until Lockhart seemed to realize he was the closest person to talk to.

"So Professors, what are you doing for Christmas?" Lee asked.

"Same as always Mister Jordan," McGonagall commented.

"Should I ask exactly what Christmas is?" Ed questioned boredly. Professor McGonagall looked surprised, but Fred looked absolutely blessed.

"Ah, Christmas is when Dumbledore roller-skates around the castle, shooting candy canes into students mouths," Fred replied. McGonagall rolled her eyes.

" _Christmas_ , is a gift giving holiday," she corrected. "We put up trees in the great hall and have a small feast with the remaining students."

"I wonder if Lockhart'll stake out under a mistletoe," Lee snickered.

"Professor Lockhart is returning home for the winter break. None of us felt like bringing up that teachers aren't supposed to leave," she added, and they all laughed. "At least he'll only be here for this year," McGonagall sighed in relief.

"Why?" Ed questioned, looking rather confused.

"Ah the positions cursed mate," Fred explained.

"None of the last four professors lasted the whole year, only Quirrel died though," George added.

"They were all pretty bad at teaching too," Fred grumbled.

"We, the students, are cursed to have lousy Defense education," George said dramatically, falling against his brother as if dead. He cracked an eye open to see McGonagall and Ed roll their eyes simultaneously, and burst out laughing at the sight.


	10. Draco - The Chipmunk Song

Everyone in the castle, with the exception of most of the teachers, were utterly convinced that he had opened the Chamber of Secrets. It was good at first, most of his housemates were glad that someone was going after the muggleborns, but then a student got petrified, and the hype quieted down. Envious glares turned to wary, and he found himself somewhat excluded. Then he sent a snake towards Potter in Dueling, and it nearly attacked the kid who was Petrified the next day.

Even Crabbe and Goyle had been becoming distant, and Pansy Parkinson had started pining elsewhere. Crabbe and Goyle at least stayed in the castle with him during winter break, and other than them and a few seventh years, the Slytherin common room was empty.

Christmas morning left much to be desired. His father had just wrapped up a newspaper about Mr. Weasley getting an inquiry at work, and a note to keep his head down if he didn't want to be wrongfully expelled. His mother however, had sent a thick velvet sweater, black with a thick white lining on the inside, with a note that it was enchanted to keep the wearer warm. He quickly shrugged on the sweater before noting another present under the tree with some rather shoddy handwriting that could only belong to the alchemy professor. There were two other similarly packaged presents under the common room tree.

He'd been doing well in the class, he hadn't been focusing as much as he should've been, and nearly hadn't passed the wood exam, but he just slinked by and got his permission to do the alchemy out of class. He unwrapped it with a skeptical eye, finding a note and an Alchemy notebook like the ones they had for out of class notes.

 _Draco Malfoy,_

 _I've been working on a basic alchemy textbook, don't worry, Alphonse did the text not me, and i've sent them along to all of my students who are staying in the castle this Christmas in case they wanted to get a head start._

 _I've also added a section on ice alchemy since you seemed rather interested in it when Al brought it up in class. If you need any help I'll either be in my office, or hanging out in the library or transfiguration classroom_

 _-Professor Edward Elric_

He flipped through the notebook now that he'd finished reading the note, and found that it was exactly what it said it was, in Alphonse Elric's nearly robotic handwriting. The section on Ice Alchemy, at the very end of the book, was denoted with a blue swirling snowflake that must've been enchanted to spin around the margins of the page.

There were extremely detailed descriptions about how the alchemy worked, with drawings of specific runes and line patterns that were used to do certain reactions, along with several blank, partially completed, and fully completed transmutation circles to explain how everything worked.

There were only eight types of transmutations in the section even though it explained that there were many more that could be done, starting with how to transmute the moisture in the air when there was no water available, all the way down to how to form the ice into specific patterns or types.

He was still reading the section when Crabbe and Goyle stomped up the stairs, and began opening their own presents. When they got to the alchemy texts they didn't look all that interested, and instead stomped off to breakfast. Malfoy put his own book down and leafed through theirs, to find that no extra sections had been added. Their notes were similarly brief, and apparently Professor Elric didn't expect them to study it at all, and the entire second half of his note wasn't on theirs at all.

He rather smugly tucked his own book away in his robes after putting them on, before heading down to the nearly empty Great Hall for breakfast.

Professor Lockhart wasn't there, he might've gone home for the break to escape the castle, and so the staff table for once seemed to have all of the rest of it's Professors, with Alphonse Elric taking Lockharts seat.

Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables were nearly empty with just a few international students crowded towards the staff end. Despite missing ninety percent of its population, the Gryffindor table seemed just as active as usual, with all of the Weasley's, Potter, and Granger sitting at the staff end, enjoying breakfast like nothing was wrong in the castle. The twins, apparently having been given a small amount of alchemy materials, were showing off their 'firework alchemy' under the watchful, but not overbearing eyes of the alchemy professor from the staff table.

Crab and Goyle tried to casually slide down the bench as he sat down, and he rolled his eyes, serving himself breakfast and pulling the alchemy book back out.

* * *

He was heading back from the library when he caught Crabbe and Goyle being interrogated by Percy Weasley.

"Are you idiots just getting back from the feast? Honestly how much dessert can you eat," he grumbled to himself, relieved as the pair didn't step away when he approached. "Can I help you Weasley?"

"I've got an eye on you," the prefect warned, before turning in a rather Snape fashion and stomping away. Crabbe and Goyle began to follow him as he walked towards the common room.

"He's been sneaking around down here a lot… Like he's going to catch the heir in the act or some nonsense," he grumbled, pausing at the entrance, "Pureblood."

He marched through with the two right on his back, earning suspicious glares from his housemates as he walked in, "I brought your stuff up to our room since you just left it down here earlier," he added. Crabbe eyed the newspaper that his father had sent him, picking it up in an oddly shaky hand, maybe they were still wary of him. "Dad sent it to me, thought it would raise my spirits or something. Surprised there's nothing about the attacks though, Dumbledore's probably trying to hush the whole thing up."

"Why would he-" Goyle began to question.

"Because it looks bad on the school," he explained, "I've seen more than enough howlers fly in from parents, if the entire general population of wizarding Britain heard about it, this place would be shut down."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Crabbe asked.

"You know I wanted to go to Durmstrang," Malfoy mumbled, "But if it goes on, the suspicions keep getting pushed on me, if I get expelled my wand'll be broken and father might lose his job, not to mention his position at Hogwarts?"

"You aren't... happy?" Goyle questioned somewhat unbelievably.

"I'll admit, it seemed like a good thing at first, get rid of all the mudbloods, make the school better, I might've even helped the heir if I knew who they were… But now… I want whoever it is caught like everyone else does."

"You have no idea-"

"Honestly Goyle how many times are you going to ask? I have _no_ idea who the heir is, and I can't even figure out what happened the last time other than a mudblood died and someone was expelled. It was fifty years ago, and even back then the headmaster kept almost everyone from publishing about it. It's just a matter of time before someone gets killed, and I'll probably get expelled or worse," he ranted angrily. The other Slytherins were eavesdropping, but doing a rather good job at keeping up their conversation to make it look like they weren't.

"Worse?"

"Azkaban you idiots, if they think I'm a murderer even father wouldn't be able to stop them, Barty Crouch couldn't help his son either-"

"Azkaban?" Goyle questioned.

"Wizard prison, with the soul sucking dementors? Do you have a screw loose?" Draco raved. "The ministry already raided our manor last week, they didn't find anything, but Father's angry, it won't just be Weasley facing an inquiry at work- are you alright Crabbe?"

Crabbe looked, off to say, face turning pale, Goyle looked off too, and both of them bolted from their seats, "Sick, must be the dessert," Crabbe grunted, and they both ran off towards the common room exit, completely out of sight. Malfoy frowned at their odd behavior, but wasn't surprised as he headed down the staircase to the common room.

The next morning they were both back to their usual anxious selves, except today they wouldn't even look at him. When he looked around the room, everyone but Potter and Weasley were staring at him, and Hermione Granger and Professor Elric were nowhere in sight.

* * *

From what he'd managed to overhear, Hermione had had a rather bad transfiguration accident, and Professor Ed had somehow had a minor mental breakdown, and him and his brother had locked themselves in their room. Luckily people stopped blaming him for _that_. Rumors still spread, and apparently only Potter and Weasley were being allowed into the Hospital wing to visit her.

Luckily for him, the elder Elric ghost, who had so far given zero inclinations that he cared about secrets, and didn't seem to believe the rumors of him being Slytherin's Heir just like his sons, was gladly willing to talk.

"Hermione looks like she tried doing the thing that Professor McGonagall does… Animagusing or whatever it was," the ghost told as they sat in the library.

"So she looks like a giant half-cat?"

"Rather basic explanation, but yes. I'd heard rumors that Ed and Al were staying with an alchemist who transmuted his daughter with the family dog… If it's true I can't imagine Edward took seeing her well," he explained. Draco frowned at the explanation.

"I thought you couldn't do transmutation on living things?" he questioned, and the ghost looked at him curiously.

"The creature died shortly after I believe, there was no way to bring her back to the way she was. It's not that you can't do it, you just shouldn't," he warned. "I can see why Edward told you it wasn't even an option though, I would prefer you kept that information to yourself."

"Right, I will. Thanks Mister Elric," he shuffled his books away.

"It's Hoenheim, my sons took their mothers name," the ghost admitted.

"Oh, bye Mister Hoenheim," Draco waved off, and the ghost just sank back through the floor.

It made sense that Professor Elric had never brought it up, it was seemingly dangerous and evil, much like dark magic. Considering how alchemy could rebound, (Goyle once accidentally fused the tip of his finger to the desk) Human transmutation must carry an even larger risk.

When he checked his textbook later, he confirmed that nothing of the sort was even written into the textbook, and would probably be impossible to do without knowing any of the runes or pattern in the transmutation. He tucked the thought into the back of his head, to mostly, never resurface.

* * *

The Weasley twins apparently managed to drag the Elrics out of their room by the time a week had passed. Both of them looked extremely tired, and rather than a braid, the Professors hair was in a rather ratty bun. They both talked from what he could tell, but they refused to look towards the staff end where the other two thirds of the Gryffindor trio were sitting.

Crabbe and Goyle were sitting all the way down at the other end of the table, claiming that he'd knocked them out and left them in a closet. No-one seemed to believe them since they'd all seen them that night in the common room, but the idiots stuck by their story. Knowing his housemates, none of them would back _him_ up when everyone arrived back at the castle, and he would end up even more ostracised than before.

Professor Snape was frowning at him from the Staff table, which was another low blow. He gave up on picking at his food and got up with his alchemy book, storming out of the Great Hall, giving no care if it looked suspicious or not.

Peeves was unfortunately out today, floating around mischievously. "Looks like snake-boy came out to play today, too bad Professor Midgets locked up in his room-"

"YOU CALLIN' ME SO SHORT THAT I COULDN'T REACH THE DOORKNOB?" Professor Elric burst out of the Great Hall acting very much like himself, transmuting the floor into a giant fist that sent Peeves flying through the ceiling. The Professor panted, calming himself down, "Oh, hey Draco. Sorry about… me. I saw you reading the alchemy book a few times though."

"Yeah, thanks for that," Draco said genuinely.

"Don't worry about it, you won't be able to work on it during class-" Draco frowned, and the professor frowned too, "There's no moisture in the air from the fireplace, there's another fifth year Slytherin learning ice alchemy who had to choose something else to learn during class, and now we do Ice alchemy down in the dungeons in the mornings." He explained, and Draco sighed with relief. "What did you think I'd say?"

"Everyone thinks I'm the heir of Slytherin… A lot of the teachers are keeping a close eye on me," Draco admitted.

"Well that's stupid," he said rather bluntly. Draco was actually shocked. "I've done a lot of reading, the Malfoy family goes back to Salazar Slytherin's time, but they came from France. And the Black family can be traced back just as far, not to mention that one of them, even if he is a murderer, got sorted into Gryffindor. I don't think anyone related to Salazar Slytherin himself would get sorted into Gryffindor."

"Oh," Draco mumbled.

"Not to mention you're twelve, and unless a muggleborn killed one of your parents the whole idea seems a bit ridiculous, don't you think?" Elric added.

"Right… thanks…" Draco said passively.

"Don't worry about it," he added, rubbing the heavy bags under his eyes. "I'm gonna go take a three day nap to get ready for classes," he waved goodbye before tiredly stomping up the stairs. Draco took one last look at the strange professor before heading back down the common room.

* * *

Unfortunately Lockhart returned with the rest of the students, and the looks he was getting were nearly unbearable. McGonagall lightened up a bit on him, probably after a conversation with Professor Elric, but the only teacher who refused to let rumors fly in his classroom seemed to be the strange professor himself.

"You're letting Malfoy learn Ice alchemy?" Pansy asked rather haughtily from the next desk over, (she now refused to sit with him, apparently almost murderers weren't _in_.)

"Anyone's allowed to learn Ice alchemy out of class if they want," Professor Ed countered, "You're allowed to learn most kinds of alchemy out of class if you want actually as long as you have one of us supervise you."

"But Professor-"

"Don't make me take points away," the Professor sighed. Pansy bit her lip, but let the Professor teach on. The Gryffindor duo was just as gossipy and secretive as usual, but from what he heard, it didn't have anything to do with him.

The desks were all moved out of the way when the practical half of the lesson began, and they instead sat on pillows on the floor, which had been smoothed flat for stone alchemy purposes.

"So, remember that stone is a lot denser than wood, and that there's a lot more of it here than in your desks. Also if you all use too much the floor will destabilize and we'll rather hilariously crash into Professor Goldilocks classroom," Professor Elric instructed, and most of the students snickered. "While I'm sure it would make their class more interesting, I don't think Dumbledore or Madam Pomfrey would be too happy with me, so let's keep the destruction to a minimum."

The Gryffindor duo almost immediately began creating a stone duck army, armed with mini bayonets and sunglasses. Draco began to create a large stone goblet, although it didn't seem to want to harden, instead swirling around loosely like it was made of liquid. He let it drop back into the floor rather than risking a rebound.

He refocused for a moment and double checked his circle before trying again, and the goblet reformed, stabilizing at a slightly smaller size than he'd intended. When he looked over at the other Slytherin's they were making snakes with his face on them. Professor Elric responded rather maturely, by turning the stone under them into a rather large swirly slide, and dumping them all in Professor Lockhart's class. He then resealed the floor, and acted like no-one was missing and continued the lesson, to the amusement of everyone left in the room.

The disgruntled Slytherins walked back in five minutes later, right when the bell rang, and they grumpily grabbed their bags and left. The professor gave the duo some notes, presumably for Granger, and everyone funneled out of the room together.

He later realized it was the only class he had a good time in.

* * *

Draco was in the library minding his own business when suddenly the youngest Weasley girl threw her precious diary against a bookshelf across from where she was seated, tears streaming down her face. Madam Pince yelled about the noise, but stayed at her desk.

The girl quickly jumped up from the table, flipping open the book to see if it was damaged. From what he could tell, the pages were completely blank, but the girl glared angrily at the pages anyway, grabbing her things and running off.

Draco, with nothing better to do, and no reputation left, packed up his things and followed after her, treading lightly. He followed her to the second floor girls bathroom, ducking behind the corner so she hopefully wouldn't see him when she came back out. She ran back out just a moment later, missing her diary, storming off in the opposite direction. Like magic, the bathroom quickly began to flood, and Draco checked both ways before ducking into the seemingly abandoned bathroom.

Moaning Myrtle, the infamous ghost, was bawling her eyes out more than usual. "Who are you, coming to throw something else at me?"

"I came to see what got thrown," he insisted. The girl, still sniffling, handed over the diary. Just like he'd thought, the diary was empty with the exception of a name scrawled out on the cover _T.M Riddle ._ He could've sworn he'd heard the name before, although he couldn't think of where. Suddenly the _wonder_ duo burst into the bathroom, glaring at him.

"What'd you do to upset Myrtle?" Potter blamed.

"It wasn't me, his nimrod sister threw her diary at her," Draco defended, and Myrtle nodded to back him up. Weasley swiped the diary from his hand, flipping it open.

"Ginny doesn't have a diary, besides it doesn't even have her name in it, let alone anything written in it."

"I watched her throw it at the bookshelf in the library, and then I followed her here-"

"What were you following my sister for-" Weasley started, but Potter grabbed him by the waist and held him back.

"She was acting weird and I had nothing better to do," Draco amended.

The duo took another look at the diary, although Weasley looked closer. "T.M. Riddle, didn't he get an award for something?"

"Why on earth do you know that?" Potter questioned, and Draco nodded in agreement.

"It was one of the shields I had to hand polish before Professor Ed showed up and saved us."

"Why's it got no ink though. If Ginny's been writing in it for the last… I dunno four or five months, it should have something in it, right?" Potter questioned.

"Maybe it's dark magic?" Draco guessed.

"Why would my sister have a-"

"I'm not saying your sister you idiot, maybe Riddle cursed his stupid journal," Draco cut Weasley off.

"Well, let's go see what that stupid award was for then," Potter decided. Him and Weasley took off, not particularly caring that he was following them.

The trophy room was only one floor up, and Weasley was quickly able to find the plaque, "See award for Special Services to the school, from like fifty years ago."

"Wasn't that when the chamber was opened last time?" Potter pointed out.

"So Riddle caught the guy who did it?" Weasley questioned.

"Or he pinned it on someone else, took the credit," Draco shrugged, and the two looked at him suspiciously. "I dunno, ask your stupid sister, it's her diary."

"Hey, the only person who can call Ginny stupid is me!" Weasley argued, storming off with Potter in tow.

"Honestly how do these idiots keep getting involved," Draco sighed to himself, leaving through the other door, and heading back to the library.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Look at me giving Draco character development like four books early, ooh boy does that fuck up a lot if I end up writing another book**


	11. Ginny - Now That's What I Call Edgy

**Author's Note: I literally just agreed to the rules and guidelines five minutes ago and can't remember if posting this quickly was against the rules. Also I'm up to four views look at that. oh and italics and bold transfer from google docs too, way fancier than the first half of this story which was copy pasted from word right before my school canceled my subscription.**

* * *

She felt anxious with the diary gone. Her mind was clear and her emotions were more in check than they'd been all year when she woke up the next morning. But something inside her longed for the diary.

Even so she wasn't prepared for Ron to shove it in her face the next morning at breakfast.

"Ginny, where'd you get this stupid thing?" He questioned, "Myrtle saw you throw it at her in the bathroom."

"I don't know," she sighed, tears building up.

"What do you mean you don't know, you must've gotten it somewhere," Ron pressed.

"It was inside one of my textbooks that mum got me," she whined.

"Ginny why's it blank?" Harry asked.

"It writes back," she mumbled.

"It writes back?" Harry questioned, pulling out an inkwell from his bag, she reached forward and slammed the diary shut.

"Don't, it says things, awful things-"

"Then why didn't you give it to one of the Professors?"

"I showed it to Lockhart and he just said it was a gag book," she curled in on herself uncomfortably as the boys groaned. "Hermione thinks he's a good teacher-"

"Yeah well, Hermione's got a screw loose when it comes to him," Ron waved her off. "Look we'll keep an eye on the stupid thing and see if we can get McGonagall or Ed to take a look at it. If you want a new diary Professor Ed can probably make one like he made our notebooks." He explained.

"Right, okay, sorry," she mumbled.

"Hey don't worry about it, didn't know any better," Ron patted her shoulder before him and Harry took off to sit with the twins, and Harry shoved the diary in his robes. She stared longingly at his pocket before shaking her head, and turning to her breakfast.

* * *

Professor Ed was completely willing to make her a 'journal' which she requested, saying she'd filled up her old one.

"Don't worry about it, they're pretty easy to make with alchemy, binding wont come apart either," he demonstrated, putting a stack of sliced parchment on top of a piece of cardboard and black fabric. The fabric wrapped around the cardboard, and the pages fused to the middle of the board, before the whole thing folded in on itself into a normal journal.

She gratefully took the journal, sitting down back at her desk, which she shared with no-one since Colin Creevey was petrified. She wrote her own name on the binding, and began scrawling into the pages like usual, somewhat off put by how much she wrote, and the fact that she actually had to turn the pages.

By the time she finished writing she felt better, but strangely empty from the diaries lack of response. She shoved the journal somewhat disappointedly back into her bag, before moving to push her table towards the side walls like the rest of the class was doing.

* * *

She was in the library several days later, staring at the soulless diary when Hoenheim the ghost popped in, whipping his hand quickly to knock a book off the shelf. He noticed her staring as he sat down next to the book.

"You're a first year aren't you, friends with that Luna girl?" he questioned and she nodded. "What happened to that strange book you were always writing in?"

"Ron and Harry think it's dark magic…"

"Lots of things are inherently dark," the ghost argued. "Do you think it's dark?"

"I stopped having nightmares once I got rid of it… I don't know. It started acting mean."

"How can an inanimate object be mean?" The man pressed.

"When I wrote in it, it wrote back… It was nice enough at first but…"

"Hmm… maybe it was like the paintings… alive but not. Or myself I suppose," the ghost frowned. "Find a painting to talk to then," he decided, sinking back through the floor, seemingly forgetting the book he'd opened.

* * *

Hermione was staring at her, she had just gotten out of the Hospital wing, and Ron and Harry had probably told her about the Diary. Not that it was any of her business, why hadn't they just gotten the stupid thing checked already. Then maybe she could have it back, or at least get closure that she shouldn't use it. Instead it passed between the trio's hands to whichever one of them was more interested in it that day.

"You alright Ginny?" Professor Ed asked. Apparently she'd spaced out eating lunch, where she was sitting with his brother and the twins.

"Yeah, sorry zoned out," she mumbled, digging her fork into her salad rather forcefully.

"Oh yeah, Angelina heard that Lockhart was planning a Valentine's day party," Fred joked.

"Oh shut up," George lightly slapped their brother.

"I'm serious, she heard him ordering dwarves 'dressed as cupid'," Fred sniggered.

"Oh that's going to be a shitshow, I can't wait," George laughed.

"Should I ask what Valentine's day is?" Professor Ed questioned blandly, and the twins quickly jumped on the opportunity.

"Valentine's day is when Dumbledore roller-skates through the castle firing arrows at students," George announced. Professor Ed rolled his eyes, and quickly got up to ask someone else.

The tension in the castle died down, no one had been attacked in the castle since before christmas. Ginny felt more anxious than ever.

* * *

Surely enough Lockhart had his Valentine's day bash, and the dwarves were happy to dole out messages for whatever reason. Fred and George had apparently written Professor Ed more than a hundred letters, and Hagrid had to hold him back at breakfast when he tried to dropkick one of the dwarves out the window.

She wrote one to Harry despite her annoyance with the diary, and sent it off to do its job.

Its job unfortunately ended up being to attack Harry in the hallway to give his message, and his stuff spilled out all over the floor. Draco Malfoy stepped over the books, picking up the Diary with annoyance.

"You didn't turn this stupid thing over to the teachers yet?" Malfoy questioned.

"Give it back Malfoy-" Harry said quietly.

"Are you that dumb, do you remember what it did to Weasley junior?"

"Hand it over-" He was getting more annoyed.

"I'll do it myself if you aren't going to-" Malfoy began to walk away, but didn't get the chance.

" _Expelliarmus!"_ Harry shouted, and the book shot out of his hands. Ron quickly dashed forward and caught it.

"Mind your own damn business Malfoy, we've got it handled," Ron added.

"Oh just because Ginny's got a thing for you doesn't mean you shouldn't turn this stupid thing in," Malfoy ranted. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks, and she quickly ran away. It wouldn't've happened if she'd never thrown the diary away, never would've happened if they'd just turned the dumb journal in, she ducked into the closest bathroom, slamming the door hard enough that the frosted window pane in the door shattered. She couldn't bring herself to care as she turned on the tap and splashed her hot face.

* * *

She didn't see the book again, and she felt rather antsy. Ron would've told her if they'd found something right? They didn't have it anymore, they didn't seem like they had it anymore. They didn't carry it around like they had been before, like she'd had before. Her other journal had been tossed in the trash, it didn't give her the relief it had the first day, it just filled her with worry and regret, now that she was able to read over her own frantic writing.

The paintings all talked to each other, not to mention the paintings in the headmasters office. If he'd heard about the diary and that she hadn't reported it and it actually turned out to be cursed then-

"Are you alright Ginny?" Luna asked, snapping her out of her own head.

"I'm fine stop asking," she grumbled, and Luna frowned.

"Is it about the dark Diary? You gave it up, didn't you?"

"I shouldn't've," Ginny grumbled to herself.

"I heard it takes twenty one days to break or make a habit. Just one more week, right?" Luna argued.

"Right, one more week," Ginny assured herself. It didn't feel all that reassuring.

* * *

A week passed and another and another, time was moving too quickly without the journal. She tried convincing herself it didn't matter, after all no one seemed to think it mattered anymore, no one thought to tell her about its whereabouts. The thing couldn't be dangerous if no one bothered updating her on it, right?

That's how she justified breaking into Harry's room, tearing through his things until she found it, grabbing the nearest inkwell and scribbling in frantic handwriting.

The ink disappeared and reappeared as something else.

 _Hello Ginny, my dear, I've missed you so much_

Suddenly, the whole in her chest felt whole again, filled with not love, but ink.


	12. Neville - Doll on a Music Box

**Author's Note: FYI I wrote this finals week, I was in my last week of highschool, about to graduate, and I was writing fanfiction. What an adult.**

* * *

Neville had been spending most of his time in the Herbology greenhouse with Professor Sprout, and occasionally Alphonse, who was still very interested in the screaming human-like plants that would somehow fix all of the petrified. Professor Sprout seemed glad for the help, especially now that Alphonse could actually help instead of sitting and watching. When they left the greenhouse that afternoon, the Mandrakes quickly started a party, which Alphonse looked completely bewildered at, but Madam Sprout assured was a good sign.

"We'll have everyone unpetrified in no time, they're nearly adults now," she assured, and the two boys grinned, heading back up to the castle.

"I'll see you at dinner, ought to go change first," he laughed, pointing at his muddy school robes. Alphonse laughed and nodded in agreement.

"I'm just about as muddy," he said, splitting off to his room, and he kept heading up the stairs.

He luckily didn't run into Filch, even if he had been helping to get his cat unpetrified, the man would still be angry if he realized he'd gotten the floor muddy. He entered the common room, racing up the stairs to get changed quickly, only to find their common room a mess, more specifically Harry's side of the room, although Ron's side was lightly trifled through as well. He quickly cleaned himself up before running down the stairs to find the pair.

He nearly knocked them off their feet as he slid to a stop at the table, earning curious glares from Al and Ed who were sitting with the twins as usual. "Harry, I don't know who, but your stuff's been, ransacked," he panted, hands on his knees as he caught his breath.

Ron quickly turned to Ginny sitting down at the end of the table. "Ginny did you steal the diary back?"

"Why would I- I thought you turned that stupid thing in a while ago?" She complained back. Ron shrugged apologetically. "Ron!"

"Forgot about it, sorry!" He defended. "Maybe they weren't after the diary then?"

"Why would Harry have a diary?" Neville questioned. The trio got up anyway, racing back to Gryffindor tower, Neville took another moment to catch his breath before running after them.

They were already leafing through Harry's things by the time he got back up there.

"The diaries definitely gone," Harry sighed.

"If it wasn't Ginny who could've taken it?" Hermione questioned.

"Draco knew about it," Ron pointed out.

"Unless Draco pulled an 'Us' there's no way he could've gotten in here. Besides it's not the winter holidays anymore, it's not like the common rooms completely empty at any given time," Hermione argued.

"Maybe it was Dobby?" Harry asked.

"What the hell would a house-elf want with a cursed diary," Ron questioned.

"Well, if it is cursed, he says he's trying to protect Harry right?" Hermione argued, "Not that he's done that great of a job so far, but if he thought it was dangerous, he might take it."

"So how do we track down a house-elf with a death wish?" Ron asked.

Neville, deciding he had no idea what was going on anymore, slowly walked out of the room, listening to his growling stomach, and finally taking it to dinner at long last.

* * *

Professor Ed reflected the calmer mood of the castle, with the exception of the break-in several weeks back, and instead of the usual stone alchemy that they'd been doing, he brought out some rather large fish tanks, filled to the brim with water.

"I think Mister Malfoy knows what we're doing, but today we'll be dabbling with ice alchemy," It's still not quite spring yet so there's not much moisture in the air, but we'll be doing the easier, and more direct approach, even if it isn't the most practical unless you're trying to add ice to a drink," he joked, drawing a large transmutation circle on the board. It wasn't the simplest, but it also wasn't the most complicated circle they'd ever drawn.

Luckily they all had plenty of time to draw them since it was a double block, and soon enough they'd slid the tanks over the circles, hands ready.

"You all know that ice is the solid form of water, and that ice is obviously, cold. It should be very easy for most of you, and there's little chance of rebound other than splashing yourself a bit if your not careful."

Ron Weasley, seemingly ignoring all instructions, slammed his palms down on the circle with little care, forming a large ice ball that splashed into the tank, soaking him, Harry, and Hermione almost instantly. The trio was silent for a minute before bursting out laughing, and everyone quickly joined in on the fun.

Professor Ed didn't seem to mind all the mess they were making, even after him and Alphonse were splashed by a rather surprising double-team by Crabbe and Goyle.

Draco seemed to be getting revenge on all of his housemates, using his advanced knowledge of ice alchemy to get them all soaking wet. Harry and Ron ducked behind a desk, quickly drawing the wood alchemy circle to make their army of ducks, just light enough that they floated on the centimeter thick layer of water on the floor.

By the time the bell rang everyone was soaking wet, and the classroom looked just as flooded as the corridor by Moaning-Myrtle's bathroom, wooden ducks floating around like a bathtub. Professor Ed casually dumped the whole mess into Lockhart's classroom to everyone's amusement, before using alchemy to dry the rest of the classroom.

Everyone's shoes squelched as they left the classroom, but no one seemed all that upset about it other than a few Slytherin girls, although Professor McGonagall didn't look all that impressed when they walked into her class, still dripping wet.

* * *

When Neville arrived to alchemy the next day, several fifth years were still sitting in the classroom.

"Sorry, am I early?" he asked quietly.

"Huh? Oh, didn't hear the bell ring," they excused themselves. The board was scribbled on with random doodles, but no alchemy notes.

"Did Professor Ed pop out?" Ron asked as the trio walked in.

"He wasn't here when I got here," Neville frowned, "I don't know if he was here last block either."

"Probably just sick again, it's been a while hasn't it?" Ron shrugged.

"Then where's Alphonse?" Hermione questioned. Hoenheim the ghost, apparently sensing the disturbance, floated down from the ceiling.

"Where's Edward?" He questioned.

"I dunno, where's Al?" Ron asked back.

"Alphonse was researching with me in the library… He's probably just in his office," the ghost floated through the dividing wall, returning a moment later with a frown.

"We saw him this morning," Harry confirmed with the others who nodded. The other students began to walk in, looking just as confused as they were.

"Do you know where the twins are?" Hoenheim asked turning to Ron.

"Uh, I dunno, Transfigurations maybe?" He answered, and the ghost sunk through the floor.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Neville mumbled. The ghost and the twins appeared several minutes later in the doorway, with an old looking map.

It took a few minutes of scouring, but they eventually found Edward Elric's name and singular footprint, along with Draco Malfoy, Lucian Bole, and Heather May down in the dungeons. "I dunno who the last two are, but none of them are moving," George said worriedly.

"Maybe they're just doing ice alchemy and lost track of time?" Neville guessed optimistically.

"Heather May's in our house," Hannah Abbott said worriedly, "She said she was a muggleborn."

They all quickly took off to the dungeons after that, running down the stairs with the force of running bulls. One of the paintings overheard and quickly ran off to find Dumbledore, but they were already in the dungeons, apparently loud enough that Professor Snape came out of his classroom.

"What is the meaning of this?" He sneered, but everyone just pushed past him, going farther past the potions hallway, and down a maze that none of them had ever even gone down before, until they reached what looked like an abandoned classroom with the door opened slightly. Winry the cat outside was pittering on her small feet, clearly distressed. Even from here, they could see jagged icicles coming from the floor.

George was the one to push open the door all the way, to find their fears realized.

Professor Ed was half-turned to the door, metal arm open to the air, reflecting the blue glow off the walls. Malfoy and Lucian Bole were both seemingly turning towards the door, heads looking down at the ice. Heather May was crouched in the Professors flesh arm, facing the opposite direction of the door, but hand pressed down to the floor onto a somewhat hidden alchemy circle. She had probably been the one to freeze the room solid.

They were all petrified. Professor Snape joined them a minute later, looking sadly at the scene, before turning towards the right side of the room. While originally the girls attack seemed in vain, there was a rather large spike sticking out from the floor, covered in blood. Snape took off after that, trying to follow the trail before it completely disappeared, but the rest of them stayed until Dumbledore and the rest of the teachers arrived.

"Oh no, not Edward," McGonagall sighed to herself. Flitwick and Sprout went off to find the blood trail with Snape, while the rest of them quietly entered the room. Dumbledore collected a sample of blood off the ice before melting it with his wand, freeing the petrified victims from the floor. Winry the cat rushed in, howling at Edward like it might wake him up.

Hagrid grabbed the two Slytherin's carefully before carrying them out of the room, but no-one seemed to figure out how to separate Professor Ed and the first year. Neville picked up Winry the cat, who seemed adamant on staying with her co-owner.

"Madam Pomfrey, could you escort the students back to their common rooms?" Dumbledore asked quietly, looking over the scene. They all were reluctant to leave, especially the Weasley twins. Neville had been ready to get a move on when he noticed something moving out of the corner of his eye.

"Professor Ed's not petrified!" he cheered, and everyone turned to him like he was crazy. "Well not completely petrified anyway, look!" he pointed at the Professors metal arm, which was slowly beginning to move and stretch itself out, with loud angry clicking noises.

"That stupid thing always did ignore half the magic spells it got hit with," the twins managed to laugh quietly. While Ed remained like a stone statue, the arm disagreed, motioning like it was holding a quill. McGonagall quickly pulled out one of her enchanted quills, and Lockhart generously handed over a piece of his fan mail for him to write on.

The metal hand carefully took the quill, clearly trying not to snap the thing as Minerva held up the unopened envelope. It wrote shakily and all over the place, jerking slightly the whole time, sounding something worse than nails on a chalkboard, but it wrote all the same. Eventually the hand dropped the quill before suddenly jerking to a stop with a loud metal click

McGonagall frowned and pulled the paper towards herself and Dumbledore trying to decipher the letters.

"I believe it says _Basilisk_ ," she frowned.

"Madam Pince?" Dumbledore requested.

"I'm on it," the witch replied, seemingly running off to her library.

"Madam Pomfrey, the students?" He asked again, and she was able to usher them off with little complaint.

* * *

Alphonse was reasonably distraught when he learned about his brother, while the rest of the student body fretted about the quadruple attack, that even managed to take out the professor who punched Peeves on a regular basis. Not to mention, the purebloods who previously thought themselves to be safe, realized how dangerous the castle was.

"All students will return to their House common rooms by six in the evening, no student is to leave the dormitories after that time, you will be escorted from classroom to classroom by your teachers, no student is to use the bathroom unaccompanied by a teacher. All further quidditch matches and practices are to be postponed, there shall be no more evening activities or classes. And Alchemy class is canceled for the time being," McGonagall addressed. The room was completely silent.

"It is likely, that unless we can catch the culprit or the monster behind the attacks, that the school will have to be closed down… If any of you, have any information on these attacks, or suspect anything, you know where to find me," she added, before leaving the common room. The Gryffindors immediately began talking amongst themselves.

"Alright that's a Gryffindor, a ghost, two Hufflepuffs, two Slytherins, and Professor Ed," Lee Jordan counted on his fingers.

"And Mrs. Norris!" someone shouted.

"So that's everyone but Ravenclaw right?"

"It's the heir of Slytherin you nimrod- it's a giant fucking snake monster."

"STOP SWEARING!"

"Well we all thought it was Malfoy, but he got petrified too," George grumbled. "How'd none of them die though?"

"Norris was in Moaning Myrtle's corridor, Creevy had his camera, Justin maybe saw it through Nick, and Nick saw the thing straight on but he's, you know, already dead." Fred pointed out.

"Professor Ed probably saw it reflected off his arm, and the rest probably saw it off the ice," George agreed.

"Can't believe his arm still worked though. Can't stop the fist of justice I guess," Lee mumbled.

Neville was so busy paying attention to all the commotion, that he didn't realize the Gryffindor trio had disappeared until he went to bed, and everyone but the two boys turned in.

* * *

Hagrid and Professor Dumbledore were gone the next morning, and Neville thought Hogwarts couldn't get any more dangerous.

"I can't believe it. His own son gets attacked and he still uses his position to get rid of Dumbledore!" Ron ranted as they were escorted to breakfast the next morning.

"Besides Hagrid had some fuzzy thing, not a basilisk," Harry argued.

"It couldn't of even been him. Malfoy was right, he was framed," Hermione agreed.

"Yeah but we can't prove it can we? _Written evidence by a possibly inanimate object doesn't count_ , what baloney," Ron fumed.

Despite McGonagall's earlier warning, she still handed out the sign up lists for electives the next year. Either as a sign of optimism or a distraction, everyone stopped thinking about the events the day before. He signed up for ancient runes, maybe it could help with alchemy, divination, care of magical creatures…

"Can we give up the core classes?" Harry asked, turning to Hermione and Ron.

"I wish," Ron grumbled, "I would've given up Defense…"

"Ron! Defense is a very important class!"

"Hermione, a first year stabbed the world's scariest monster with an icicle the size of Neville," Ron said pointedly, "not by badly reenacting how Goldilocks killed his first werewolf." Hermione turned to him, annoyed. "Oh come on, look at him, ever since we figured out what that stupid monster is, he's been twitching like a rabbit!"

Neville turned to the staff table, where Lockhart was nervously eating his breakfast, turning about every five seconds to Professor Ed's empty seat, despite the fact that the teacher never sat there when he was around.

"Lockhart is- Sorry Hermione- but he's useless, Professor Ed, the fist of justice, is petrified, Dumbledore-gone, Hagrid, who could probably suplex the damn thing, is gone. Unless McGonagall takes off her hat and snakes come out, or Snape finally unleashes his fangs, we're screwed," Ron grumbled.

* * *

The Alchemy classroom, while it wasn't officially being used, had turned into somewhat of a study lounge for students who didn't have classes, since no-one was allowed to just hang around in the castle anymore.

Alphonse, despite being very upset about his brother, still continued helping anyone with alchemy who wanted to, and even began making gloves with stone and wood alchemy circles on them for anyone who asked. The ability to turn the floor into a staircase down to the next floor was very appealing now that there was a giant snake sliding around with zero care for blood heritage.

The Weasley twins had written a somewhat funny, but still very sincere note to Professor Ed on the chalkboard, which read as:

 _Day 6,_

 _Today we did nothing, but lose our minds and cry… no food… no water… I miss Edward 3_

 _We've missed his guidance, his ability to punch Peeves in the face, now the only person_

 _upset with being short are the house elves and Professor Flitwick. Harry and Ron are even_

 _more out of control, the castle is now filled with nothing but stone ducks, and they have_

 _eaten all of our textbooks. Sometimes when they feed, we have to hide in Lockhart's room._

 _We need you Edward, we are empty without you_

 _3 the weasley twins_

Hoenheim the ghost became somewhat of a chaperone, mostly to students coming and going from the library, sticking around Hermione mostly as somewhat of a personal guard, not that he could do anything but yell rather loudly, but he still technically counted.

They heard a commotion from downstairs before a section of the floor cleared, and a staircase came from downstairs. The fourth years stomped up the stairs angrily, most of them wearing an alchemy glove or two. Lockhart began to climb the stairs, but George Weasley sealed the floor in his face with a rather satisfying smack.

Alphonse looked surprised by the intrusion, but didn't say anything.

"Idiot's trembling in his boots, and then still has the nerve to say if 'he were in Professor Ed's position the basilisk would be dead, but there's no reason to worry since Hagrid got taken away," Fred raged, kicking the floor for good measure, "Uh actually you'd be dead you idiot, and Hagrid couldn't hurt a fly," he grumpily dropped down onto one of the desks.

Hermione didn't even look up to argue with him, and kept reading her book. Lockhart tried coming up the long way, but Alphonse promptly sealed the door shut without even looking up from where he was teaching Ron actual Ice alchemy.

Lockhart didn't come back, and Alphonse opened up the door when the bell rang, several ghosts waiting outside to escort the students, Hoenheim, as always, escorting the Gryffindor trio.


	13. Hoenheim - Backseat Driver

**Author's Note: This was really the chapter when I started agreeing with whatever ideas my brain spit out.**

* * *

The Gryffindor trio as they were known, were also known for running around whenever the school was in trouble, despite the fact that they were putting themselves in grave danger.

He also didn't say anything as he followed the invisible children to Hagrid's hut.

"Maybe the spider's'll be gone," Ron said to himself hopefully.

"Why are we following the spiders?" He questioned.

"Hagrid told us to before he got taken away, maybe it'll help us figure something out," Hermione explained.

"Plus all of the attacks have been _in_ the castle," Harry added. "Maybe it has to stay inside."

The kids pushed the door open swiftly, quickly feeding the large dog to stop it from barking at them, shedding the invisibility cloak as the door shut.

"C'mon Fang, wanna go for a walk?" Harry asked as they opened the back door, and the dog bounded outside. As they entered the woods, all of the children lit up their wands for light.

"Look, there!" Hermione cheered, pointing to several spiders making a bee-line to the trees further in the distance. They quickly moved off the obvious path, crushing twigs and branches that would surely bring attention to themselves if any animals were out hunting. He rolled his eyes.

"Aren't there better leads you could be following?"

"Oh yeah old man, like what?" Weasley asked, like his brothers, he'd picked up Ed's nickname for him.

"Perhaps finding the entrance to the chamber of secrets?"

"And how do you suppose we do that," he replied rather smarmily.

"Ask Myrtle perhaps? She was killed by the creature after all," he said, as the three turned towards him, annoyed.

"You knew that this whole time!?" Harry shouted.

"I thought it was rather obvious, she's the only ghost of a student," he admitted casually. The three children face palmed.

"Alright, we finish doing what Hagrid asked, then we talk to Myrtle," Hermione planned.

"Why bother? Just go straight to Myrtle, who says you'll even learn anything here?" Hoenheim argued, the children began to look angry.

"Because Hagrid asked us to!" Harry shouted.

"Honestly you can't be that-" Hermione began but Ron cut her off.

"Hermione don't bother, ghosts can't change remember," he grumbled. "Yelling at him won't do anything."

Hoenheim frowned, watching the children move ahead. He never was all that good with children, according to them, he never would be.

The moon and starlight disappeared, and soon the only light came from the wands themselves. The path became more and more ragged, and he flew ahead to keep track of the spiders as the children tripped on large tree roots. The dog panted as they traveled, ears twitching occasionally as it heard something farther out in the woods. For whatever reason, there was nothing out here but spiders.

Suddenly the dog let out a loud echoing bark, and Harry turned his wand slightly to the right,

"There's something moving over there," he whispered. Without the sound of them traveling, they could all hear branches crunch off in the distance.

"No, nope, no thanks," Ron ranted to himself.

"Shut up, it'll hear us!" Hermione hissed.

He rolled his eyes, "I think it already heard the dog."

Suddenly beams of light shot out of the darkness, and a loud rumbling could be heard.

"I can't believe it, it's the car!" Ron cheered, running towards the thing.

"Why is there a car?" he questioned.

"It's Ron's dad's flying car, him and Harry crashed it into the Whomping Willow when school started," Hermione explained.

"Why am I not surprised," Hoenheim grumbled. The car moved forwards like it was greeting its owner. It had been rather trashed by the elements it seemed, overtaken by mud and vines. Ron didn't seem to mind, and instead patted the hood of the car like it was a dog.

"Man I thought this stupid thing was gonna attack us…" Ron cheered.

"Where'd the spiders go?" Hermione asked, they all looked around, but it seemed like the car had scared them off. Suddenly Ron stopped where he stood, dropping his wand in the mud, suddenly something grabbed Harry by the leg and dragged him up into the air, Hermione screamed as they turned around, faced with what was a spider larger than even him. Two other spiders, not nearly as large, but still man-sized grabbed Ron and Hermione, but couldn't pick him up. He followed with Fang as they were carried off towards a clearing, away from the safety of the car. The children were dropped into the middle of the clearing, surrounded by the hairy creatures. Hoenheim floated through the creatures, standing behind the children as they nervously got up.

"Aragog?" Harry questioned, as another spider, the size of an elephant, crawled out.

"What is it? It's not Hagrid," the spider spoke to nearly everyone's surprise.

"Strangers," on of the smaller spiders replied.

"Kill them then, I was sleeping-"

"We're friends of Hagrids! The Chamber of Secrets got reopened, he got blamed and they took him to Azkaban!" Hermione shouted.

"That would be the only reason Hagrid would send someone… But that was years ago, years and years ago, they made him leave for something he didn't do, believed I was the monster."

"We know it wasn't you and it wasn't Hagrid," Harry agreed.

"It killed that girl in the bathroom-"

"Myrtle right?" Ron questioned.

"Sounds right."

"Is the thing in the castle really a basilisk?" Harry asked, and suddenly all of the spiders backed away.

"We do not speak of it! We do not name it!" they hissed.

"We've just confirmed everything we already knew," Hoenheim grumbled. The children shot him a sour look.

"Do you know how to prove Hagrid's innocence?" Hermione asked.

"The only way would be to defeat the creature… otherwise I cannot help you."

"Right then, so… we'll be going then?" Harry said, backing up.

"Go? My children don't attack Hagrid on my command only, I cannot ask them to let you go."

"But if we don't kill the Basilisk-" the spiders hissed, backing away. "Then Hagrid won't ever come back!" Ron argued.

"Goodbye friends of Hagrid…" The spider muttered, turning away as its children reared their ugly heads. Suddenly they heard a rumbling noise, and Ron's car tumbled down the slope, screeching to a stop. The children and the dog quickly got in the car before it took off, and he flew beside it.

The children screamed as the car plowed through the woods, down a path where it had seemingly gone through before, since there was almost nothing that wasn't already flattened.

"Bloody hell!" Ron shouted.

As they escaped the forest the car slammed to a stop right behind Hagrid's hut, the dog hopping through the broken window, and back through the open door of Hagrid's hut. The children stumbled out on shaky legs, patting the roof of the car before it floored itself backwards into the forest.

Harry and Hermione stumbled into the shack, while Ron relieved his stomach outside.

"Follow the spiders, I'll never forgive him," Ron grumbled to himself as the other two returned with the invisibility cloak. "We didn't even learn anything- not a word old man," Ron said, pointing directly at him. He looked away and began whistling innocently.

"Well, at least we've confirmed everything," Hermione sighed as they all climbed under the cloak. "We can talk to Myrtle tomorrow."

"Why not now?" he questioned.

"Dude, it's like two in the morning," Ron complained as they disappeared.

Hoenheim followed their footsteps back to the castle, making sure they all got back to the common room before floating off to his usual post at the library.

* * *

Hoenheim 'sat' in the Hospital Ward, in the half of the room that had been dedicated to the petrified, divided off by a large curtain that split the room. Edwards leg clicked about, trying to grab purchase on the bed like it would be able to lift up the rest of the body.

The only other person in the space was a woman with dual-toned hair, sleeping in a chair by one of the Slytherin boys. Rather than being tucked in like the others because they had been sitting up, the blankets were instead draped over their shoulders. They looked rather like they were studying rather than frozen like stone.

The clicking stopped as Edwards leg froze to a stop, still at an angle. The room was silent other than the woman's quiet breathing. The door opened, and he sunk through the chair to be out of sight. Pointed shoes clicked across the floor, coming to a stop next to the woman and the boy.

"Couldn't keep out of it, could you Draco," the man muttered to himself. The woman's breathing quickened, before resuming at a normal rate. Apparently she had woken. "Can't do anything right, can you? Beat out by Granger in everything but Alchemy, but then Weasley beats you both, Pathetic. Can't even avoid something only after the muds… Dumbledore and the oaf are gone at least, guess you did something right," the man sighed to himself before backing away. He heard the footsteps click out of the room, and the door shut again.

Hoenheim rose back to his seat, looking over the room. The woman was still pretending to sleep, but silent tears rolled down her cheeks.

* * *

"I can't believe the mandrakes aren't ready yet," Hermione ranted in the Alchemy room, "Don't you think they could've just gotten mature ones from someplace else? Or just bought the potions?"

"Hermione, they're pretty rare, and the potion isn't their most common use," Neville explained.

"So? You're really telling me they couldn't get any? Not even one? It's ridiculous!" She said angrily.

"If Lucius Malfoy hasn't unpetrified Draco yet, then there probably isn't another way," Harry pointed out, "He's got dark wizard connections and even he didn't seem to find anything."

"I doubt he even looked," Hoenheim said without thinking.

"Why would that be?" Ron questioned.

"He 'visited' his son in the hospital wing last night. Didn't have anything nice to say."

"Ouch, even daddy dearest wouldn't help him out," Ron winced.

"Alright so, we have to talk to Myrtle, find out who's doing this, and find the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets," Hermione listed.

"And find Riddle's diary," Harry added.

"Are we sure Ginny didn't take it?" Hermione questioned, jumping at Ron's glare, "I'm not saying it to be mean Ron, she just seemed very attached to it, and looked pretty relieved after she snapped at you."

"Riddle's bad news though, we all agree on that right?" Ron questioned, and they all nodded.

"Diary?" Alphonse questioned.

"Yeah, that little black leather thing Ginny used to write in?" Ron explained.

"Used to?" He asked, and they blanched.

"Damnit," Ron cursed.

"Okay Ginny, then Myrtle-"

"Ron-"

"No that thing's bad news, Myrtle can wait," Ron shot out of his seat, heading towards the door, "You gonna escort me old man, or what?"

Hoenheim got up along with Harry and Hermione, and they all left the classroom.

"Ron we should really talk to Myrtle-"

"She's not going anywhere Hermione," he waved her off.

"She could get petrified! Just like Nick!" she argued. "Ginny's in class right now right? Nothing's going to happen to her!"

Ron paced before agreeing. "Fine, Myrtle then Ginny, but we're going straight to Transfigurations to pick her up."

"Potter, Weasley, Granger, where do you think you're going?" They heard, and McGonagall suddenly walked around the corner.

"We've got an escort," Ron complained.

"You're looking at the very fine print Weasley," she warned.

"Wait, shouldn't you be teaching Transfigurations right now?" Harry questioned.

"Actually I was going to go check up on your sister Mr. Weasley, her roommate claimed she's been sick all day-"

"Goddamnit Hermione I told you!" The boy quickly turned directions, and they all ran after them.

"My word, what is going on?" McGonagall questioned, holding her hat to her head as she ran.

"Ginny Weasley has been acting rather odd lately… almost… possessed," He explained.

"You don't think?"

"They don't but… I really can't imagine any of these children opening the chamber of their own will," he agreed. They quickly increased pace to catch up with the trio. The fat lady swung open as soon as she saw the looks on their faces. He suspected Ron would've jumped right through the canvas if she hadn't.

Hermione ran past the boys up the girls staircase where they couldn't go, and Ron was jittering anxiously.

"What is going on?" She asked the boys.

"Ginny had this diary, owned by T.M Riddle, the guy who 'caught' Hagrid like fifty years ago. It was cursed or something though, when she wrote in it it wrote back. We were going to show it to you but then someone broke into our room and stole it. Ginny said she didn't steal it but-" Harry explained, pausing when Hermione dashed back down the stairs.

"She's not there!" She shouted. "Where's Fred and George?"

"Uh…" Ron counted his fingers, "Defense Against I think?"

"The map Ronald!" she explained, and they quickly burst back out of the common room. They slid down the banisters despite the danger of falling all the way down to the dungeons, and Ron rather spectacularly kicked the classroom door in, interrupting Lockhart from telling of his school days.

"Fred, George, we need to know where Ginny is _right now,_ " Ron rushed, the twins quickly grabbed their bags and ran out of the classroom. They looked skeptically at McGonagall before opening the map out on the floor.

" _I Solemnly swear I am up to no good,"_ they both exclaimed, enchanting the map. Minerva rolled her eyes.

"Of course you two managed to find that stupid thing," she mumbled to herself, before they all dropped down to scan the map, floor by floor.

"I don't see her anywhere," Ron said sadly.

"Wait, there are rooms missing though. The Hufflepuff dorms aren't on here at all," Hermione examined.

"So?" Harry questioned as the bells rang. The other fourth years awkwardly walked by them.

"Well obviously the chamber of secrets isn't on here either. We have to look for the blank spaces where the map doesn't line up." She explained.

"There," Fred pointed to a wall in between Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, and the empty classroom nextdoor.

"Isn't that where the sinks are?" Ron questioned, as Neville suddenly ran down the hallway.

"Professor McGonagall!" he whined.

"What is it?"

"There's another message, right under the first. _Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever,"_ He explained, and everyone blanched. "Professor who's it talking about?"

"Neville don't worry, we're already on it," she assured. "Go get Professor Flitwick and tell him to send all the students back to their dormitories.

"Why are we sending the students back to their dormitories? Hagrid's gone, the danger has passed." Lockhart said, grinning as he left the classroom. Everyone, even Hermione glared angrily.

"A student has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself Mister Lockhart, you've been telling the students you know how to kill the beast, correct?" McGonagall asked coldly.

"Ah well, I, it was more-" Lockhart flustered.

"That you've known that it was a Basilisk from the start?" she added, "And that you've known where the entrance was for weeks now?"

"Well-I-"

"Perfect, we'll be heading into the chamber immediately, time to solve this once and for all, I'm sure the battle will make a rather glorious book, don't you think?"

"I- uhm, of course!" He said loudly, clearly trying to convince himself.

"Telling you children to stay behind won't do anything, will it?" She sighed.

"It's our sister," The Weasley's all agreed.

"Right then. Come on Lockhart, it's your time to shine," she grinned mischievously, grabbing a tight hold of the man's sleeve as she marched forward.

"Man, Professor McGonagall's gonna murder Lockhart," Fred said surprised as they ran after her.

"Well, if not Ed, than who else?" George agreed.


	14. Fred - The Year 5,000,000,000

**Author's Note: Watch there be one poor kid going 'just one more chapter' and then I upload like three more. Also I'm blowing up my own phone at this rate, I forgot you get sent notifications about your own stuff**

* * *

They heard the call to head back to the dormitories as they entered Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. It was a good thing too, since Lockhart looked about ready to shit himself.

Him and George pulled their alchemy gloves and wands out of their pockets, along with the small amount of combustible powder they still had leftover from christmas, before shrugging them off. They'd probably just get in the way.

The others seemed to have the same idea, and quickly got ready.

"I really think you can handle this yourself Minerva-I mean what do you need me for-" Lockhart muttered nervously to himself.

"Get yourself together Lockhart, based on all your achievements, surely a basilisk must be a walk in the park?" She questioned, and suddenly the man looked at her strangely.

"You know, don't you?" he quivered.

"Albus and I have always known Lockhart…" She warned.

"Known what?" George asked.

"My books wouldn't've sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done those things," he admitted, and Ron's face lit up red with anger.

"I KNEW YOU WERE A PHONY!" He cried.

"But, there are sources and interviews with the people you've saved-" Hermione quietly argued.

"I tracked down the actual heroes myself through small time accounts, had them tell me everything they knew, and then obliviated them and anyone else who thought different," he admitted rather casually, hands in pockets. "I may have lost some talent with other kinds of magic, but I'm rather good at memory charms," he suddenly pulled his wand out of his robes, brandishing it right at Professor McGonagall's face.

"Nobody move, put your wands on the ground-"

"Well which is it?" The twins questioned.

"Don't move?" George asked.

"Or put our wands on the ground?" He added.

"Put your wands down and then don't move," he warned, watching them all crouch low to the floor to put their wands down. Then they all put their stone alchemy gloves on the ground at the same time. Lockhart didn't have time to realize his mistake before the ground below him crackled with energy, and several stone fists burst from under him, sending him flailing into the wall, which he hit with a loud thump and crumpled against the floor

"Wow what an idiot," George commented.

Moaning Myrtle floated out of her stall, looking at the unconscious professor.

"Why are you fighting in my bathroom, what have I ever done to you?" She whined.

"We're not here to fight, we came to ask how you died," Harry assured quietly.

"Oh like that's much better," she cried. "It was dreadful, I died in this stall. Olive Hornby was making fun of me again. I ran in here and locked the door, and I began to cry. Someone got in somehow though, they were saying some nonsense, something I couldn't understand. And it was a boy too. I was going out to tell him he was in the wrong bathroom and then… I died."

"The Basilisk?"

"It had such yellow eyes… my body sort've just seized up and then… I was like this… I spent my days haunting Olive Hornby, even after she graduated until they made me come back here," she frowned.

"Where did you see the eyes?" Hermione asked, and Myrtle pointed to the sinks like they suspected. They all studied the sinks, until George found one with a snake on the tap.

"That one's never worked," Myrtle frowned.

"That's 'cause it's not a sink," Fred exclaimed.

"Harry, say something in Parseltongue," Ron instructed.

"Parseltongue?" McGonagall questioned. Harry suddenly hissed at the tap. The section of wall that the sink was attached to suddenly disappeared, revealing a man sized pipe in the ground.

"The entrance to the Chamber of Secrets," Hoenheim declared gravely. "I'll scope it out," he decided, before dropping into the long pipe.

He floated up a minute later, "It seems safe, it turns into something like a slide at the bottom," he declared.

"Hoenheim, go tell the other professors where we're going, if all goes well, we should be back by dark," McGonagall advised, shrugging off her over robes and taking off her hat, placing them in a neat pile on the ground. She elegantly stood over the pipe, taking a small step before dropping down into the hole.

George turned to him, gesturing his hands over the pit, "Ladies first," he said, grinning wildly.

"Heck yeah, I'm a queen," he pushed past his brother, waiting a moment to be sure he didn't hit McGonagall before hopping in.

Hoenheim was right about the tunnel, it was nearly a dead drop until the very end where it leveled out, and he shot off the end of the pipe onto the wet ground. He rubbed his back and got out of the way just in time for his brother to land in the same spot that he had. He muttered " _lumos"_ and his wand lit up.

Professor McGonagall was de-sliming her dress, holding up her glowing wand and looking around the room they'd landed in skeptically. George got up as the Gryffindor trio all slid in at once, clearly not having waited long enough as they landed in a large heap.

"Alright so find Ginny, get her out, and then come back and help the fight," George planned.

"I'd rather you just took Ginny and went… There's no sense in any of you getting hurt," McGonagall frowned as Harry, Hermione, and Ron finally pushed themselves up.

"Bloody hell, what's that?" Ron shouted, pointing at the scaley mass drawn across the floor.

"Snake skin… it must've shed recently…" McGonagall frowned as they reached the end of the tunnel. Two intertwined serpents were carved into the wall, eyes made of emeralds. "If you hear any sign of the basilisk I want you to look down at the floor, even if you see it's reflection… I'd rather you end up Petrified than dead…" She warned.

Harry stepped forward to the engraved wall, and hissed again. The snakes eyes glowed before they parted, and the door cracked open, the wall sliding completely out of sight.

They slowly walked into a dim long chamber, stone pillars engraved with snakes reaching high, high, above them, disappearing into the blackness. Torches provided the only source of light besides their wands. They walked slowly, looking at the wet ground to make sure the basilisk wasn't hiding behind any of the pillars.

Their wet footsteps were awkwardly loud, but other than themselves they heard nothing. George was the first to spot the robed figure on the floor at the end of the hall.

"Ginny!" Ron shouted, taking off towards the figure, him and George quickly following despite McGonagall's warnings.

Ron pulled Ginny's head into his lap, moving her hair out of her face, "Come on Ginny," George mumbled. Ginny's eyes fluttered for a moment, but shut again quickly after.

"She won't come out of it, no matter how nicely you ask," they heard someone declare. They turned behind them, where a pale boy with dark hair was leaning against a pillar. "She's still alive, but only just."

"Who are you?" McGonagall questioned.

"Tom Riddle… I don't think you'd know me by that name though," The boy pushed himself off of the pillar, hands casually tucked in his pants pockets. He was wearing an old fashioned pair of hogwarts robes, looking nearly as ghostly as Myrtle.

"Boys, get Ginny out of here now, if the basilisk comes-"

"It won't come until it's called," the boy said calmly, with a dark look in his eyes. "Besides, we're not done talking. Hello Harry, we only talked once but, I know a lot about you," the boy skipped up, but McGonagall put herself between the two. Tom looked up annoyed.

"This isn't any of your business," he hissed.

"What did you do to Ginny?" Harry asked angrily.

"Oh yeah her, she poured her heart and soul into the diary, _my_ diary. She's been writing in it for months, and months, and months…" He kicked a piece of loose stone off the wet path. "And I wrote back, no matter how boring or needy she got I always wrote back. Ginny _loved_ me as much as she loved you Harry," Tom teased.

"Oh shut up you little snakey shit!" Fred shouted angrily.

"Ginny poured out her soul to me, and I poured mine back into hers. The more anxious and disturbed she got, the more she wrote to me… _Dear Tom, I think I'm losing my memory. There are rooster feathers all over my robes and I don't know how they got there. Dear Tom, I can't remember what I did on the night of Halloween, but a cat was attacked and I've got paint all down my robes. Dear Tom, There was another attack today and I don't know where I was. Tom what am I going to do? TOM! TOM! TOM!"_ he ranted. Fred and george both slammed their hands down on the ground, but Tom dodged out of the way.

"Don't think I don't know about your alchemy…" he tutted. "I took out that Professor for a reason…"

"But what about the Hufflepuff-"

"Ginny lured her there so it wouldn't be suspicious… Poor girl was so confused," he whispered delightedly. "Ginny got aggravated with me eventually… thought I'd lost her… but she was so grateful when she got it back she wrote nearly non-stop… I didn't mind talking to you though Harry, Ginny told me so much about you. I think you were already suspicious of me though… I thought showing you my capture of that Oaf Hagrid would win you over."

"Hagrid's our friend and you framed him!" Harry yelled angrily.

"An oversight on my part. He was so easy to blame, the headmaster already wanted him out of the castle because of his heritage… My word against his? Laughable… Dumbledore was the only one who suspected the truth, he used to be the Transfiguration teacher back in the day… That's what you are right?" He pointed to McGonagall. "But Dumbledore wasn't headmaster, so he couldn't do anything," he laughed.

"He did keep an annoyingly close eye on me though… couldn't reopen the chamber back then even if I wanted to," he looked up, reminiscing, "So I made my diary, stuck part of my sixteen year old soul inside it, knowing someone would find me eventually, and I could work on completing my ancestors work."

"Yeah well, we've already got mandrakes on the way, and you haven't even managed to kill anyone properly," George bragged.

"Oh, that stopped being my goal a _while_ ago," Riddle admitted, spinning on his heal. No one dared move. "My new goal was you Potter. See Ginny told me _everything_ about you, about how you and your friends will do _anything_ to solve a mystery… If you hadn't gotten a move on I had been planning on taking your little mudblood friend, get the action started. But you were already well on your way, so I had Ginny write her farewell on the wall, she nearly didn't make it all the way down here, she's almost gone now, gave too much of herself to me."

"And now I'm here, and I can ask you all the questions I want."

"Like what?" Harry asked skeptically.

"How did you, a chubby little infant manage to defeat the greatest wizard of all time. And then again as a scrawny little boy with almost no control over your magic? How did you destroy Lord Voldemort?"

"What do you care, Voldemort came after your time," Hermione asked.

"I wasn't talking you you Mud. Voldemort did technically come after my time, he also came before and during my time," he bounced again on his heel before suddenly kneeing McGonagall in the gut. Everyone gasped as she dropped, and he grabbed her wand.

The wand sparkled in his grasp, and he turned his back to them casually, writing his full name in the air. _Tom Marvolo Riddle_ sparked in the air, and then he swiped the wand again, and the letters began to move, switching places until- _I am Lord Voldemort._

Everyone in the chamber gasped. "I had already began using the name in my school days, only with my closest friends of course. Wasn't going to conquer the world using my father's filthy muggle name, so a fashioned myself a new one. A name that others could fear as I became more powerful, when I became one of the most powerful sorcerers in the world."

"That's not going to ever happen," Harry said defiantly.

"I'm already feared, I know that-"

"You're never going to be the most powerful sorcerer… that's Dumbledore. Everyone says so, even when you were at full power you never went after Hogwarts, you're still scared of him, you're hiding down here. If you weren't scared you could've just gone upstairs and found me."

"Dumbledore has been forced out by a mere echo of my memory-"

"He's never gone, just like you left a memory so did he-"

Harry paused as he heard something like whistling. Riddle looked around the room looking for the source, and Harry helped Professor McGonagall up off the ground. The Weasley's grabbed Ginny at the same time, slowly moving off of the foot of the statue.

Something up ahead burst into flames, and a flaming bird flew down from the pillars, something clutched in its talons. Whatever it had, it was dropped at Harry's feet before landing on his shoulder.

"That's a phoenix… and the… sorting hat?" Riddle questioned. "Wow… Dumbledore's older than I thought if he think the sorting hat can stop me," he crouched low to the floor. "What are you gonna do? Sing at me?" Tom grabbed the hat and threw it at Harry. "Here you go, your mighty weapon. You've even got your wand and your silly gloves. I mean I have a wand and a basilisk waiting for my instructions…" He ranted, grinning.

"Now let me ask you again, how-did you-defeat me?"

"I don't know, no one knows. You couldn't kill me because my mother died to save me, her love was stronger than your hate, the magic of a muggleborn was enough to destroy you. And I've seen you, what's left of the _real_ you, you're nothing, less powerful than a ghost. Hell, Professor Ed's half petrified and he could still hit you if he wanted," Harry gloated.

"Ah, so it's not _you_ who's special then…" Riddle commented, and suddenly the look on Harry's face fell. "Well, I guess that's all I needed to know… I don't need you anymore." Suddenly Riddle hissed, and the statue above them began to move. They quickly picked up Ginny and ran, and Harry pushed Riddle out of the way so they could escape. He didn't seem all that interested in them anyway.

"Don't turn around! We don't know where it could be!" George shouted as they ran out of the chamber, back into the main tunnel. They heard Harry yell, and suddenly the Basilisk hissed loudly, with Fawkes screeching in the distance.

Hermione suddenly ran out of the chamber, panting. "McGonagall got petrified," she gasped. "The Phoenix blinded the basilisk but it wasn't quick enough. How's Ginny?"

"She's still alive but… we have to destroy that Diary," George urged. Fred pulled out a piece of chalk from his back pocket, and began slowly walking back into the chamber. "What are you doing?"

"It can't see us remember, but Riddle still can," he whispered. "I blow up the rest of our powder, and you sneak in and help Harry if you can."

"It's a good thing Professor Ed's petrified or he'd kick our asses for using that much powdered unsupervised," George groaned, but still nodded in agreement. "Ron, Hermione, stay with Ginny."

Fred kicked off his shoes quietly so he could go faster without making a sound. Harry was fighting off the Basilisk with a sword, who knows where he got it from, and Riddle seemed pretty distracted, but still had view of the diary. George was slowly inching ahead, using the pillars as cover as he pulled out his chalk.

It actually drew better on the wet floor than expected, creating heavy thick lines that made it easy to see what he was doing. He had to factor in for the water when he drew the circle, but by the time George was sneaking behind the last pillar, it was finished.

Fred quickly pulled out the combustible powder from his pocket, dumping out the entire bag on the circle. He then pictured the explosion he wanted, thinking of all of the necessary combustions, and slammed his hands down on the circle.

He was thrown backwards as the powder exploded, and everyone in the room was knocked off their feet, including the petrified professor. George dove out and grabbed the diary, and Harry took the same opportunity to stab his sword through the roof of the Basilisks mouth.

The room was filled with noxious purple smoke, and the Basilisk dropped to the ground, dead. Harry was clutching his arm, before suddenly dropping to the ground with a fang in hand. Fred ran forward with George, and tackled Riddle away when he started heading for Harry.

"Oh screw off you bloody memory," Fred cursed, kneeing the thing in the gut, just like he'd done to McGonagall. Fawkes began to cry on Harry's wound as George pinned Mini-Voldemort to the ground. Fred got up and dashed to Harry, but the Phoenix apparently had it covered, healing the wound in Harry's arm with it's tears.

Fred picked up the diary, blank and empty inside, frowning. He could feel the energy and magic pulsating inside of it. He had a feeling magic wouldn't do much.

Suddenly the bird picked the book out of his hand, and dropped it in Harry's lap before pecking incessantly at the Basilisk fang.

"No don't you dare-" Riddle hissed, trying to toss George off him. Harry quickly got the message, and stabbed the diary through with the fang.

Riddle began to scream something awful, writhing under Fred as ink began to pour out of the diary in a large flood, and tore out of Riddle's eyes as he began to dissolve, just like the diary. Suddenly George fell to the floor, and the book silently sizzled as it was destroyed by venom. They sat in silence for a moment before they herd Ron cheer.

"SHE'S WAKING UP!" He shouted. Fred grabbed the Diary and the Sorting hat, and quickly ran towards the tunnel outside of the Chamber. George and Harry quickly followed with the sword and Dumbledore's Phoenix.

Ginny was crying, head still in Ron's lap, mumbling sorry over and over.

"I'm sorry I should've listened I-"

"Ginny it's not your fault, we should've turned that thing in the minute you gave it to us," Ron assured.

"But I-" Fred hushed Ginny before crouching down next to her.

"Ginny, none of this is your fault, it was all Riddle okay," Fred assured. Ginny seemed to accept it, but kept crying quietly. Hermione got up from her spot, running over to the edge of the pipe. There was no way in hell they'd be able to climb up the damn thing, and as far as he knew, none of them had learned metal alchemy.

Instead she began yelling, "HELLO! ANYONE UP THERE!"

"Hermione we're probably below the lake, no one's going to hear us," Ron complained.

"Ginny, I uhm… I don't mean to be rude… But do you remember how you got out of here?"

Ginny just started crying harder.

"We have to get McGonagall out as well," George added, frowning as he looked back towards the chamber.

"She can't be heavier than Ed," Fred argued, when suddenly the bird chimed to get their attention, hovering near the entrance, waving his long tail feathers like the answer was obvious.

"Fawkes there's no way you can carry all of us-"

"It's a magic bird Harry, and it doesn't have to be all of us at once. You three and Ginny get out, we'll stay down here with McGonagall," George instructed.

"We can't just leave you down here-"

"Look, Ron you get Ginny to the hospital wing, and Harry and Hermione can get Al. He can probably turn this pipe into a staircase or something," Fred agreed.

"The stupid snake's dead and Riddle's gone," George added.

"We'll be fine," they said together.

Ron still looked like he wanted to argue, but looked down at Ginny, and agreed. "Someone'll be right down."

"Counting on it, it's creepy down here," Fred jokingly shivered. They laughed quietly, and the trio and Ginny all linked arms before Harry grabbed the tail of the Phoenix. They all hovered for a moment, before the Phoenix shot up the pipe, taking everyone with him.

"Man it's a good thing we didn't try taking McGonagall up that thing," George snickered.

Fred laughed, after all, what was left to scare them.


	15. Lockhart - How Bad Can I Be?

He had awoken when the children landed back in the bathroom, with Ginny Weasley and a large Phoenix in tow. Several teachers were hounding the children, apparently they'd been here for a while and didn't seem to care that he'd been lying there. He also wasn't restrained, and still had his wand, he kept his eyes shut to a sliver.

"You idiotic children, you could've died!" Madam Pomfrey scolded.

"We killed the Basilisk, and we got Ginny. McGonagall got petrified-" the professors gasped "-so the twins stayed down there with her- Al is there any way to-"

"I'll have to sneak some stone from the castle, but I should be able to make a staircase…" Alphonse agreed. He quickly clapped and slammed his hands down on the edge of the pipe. Unlike usual it didn't seem to be an instant thing.

"Dumbledore was allowed to return when Ginny was taken, we'll go right to his office," Professor Flitwick exclaimed. Soon everyone but Alphonse had filed out. Moaning Myrtle was nowhere to be seen after all the commotion. It was easy enough to knock the boy out with a spell, and he flopped over to the side, leaving the staircase unfinished. The metal crackled as the transmutation cut off, but nothing exploded.

He quickly dusted himself off and escaped the bathroom. He plotted out a longer course to get to Dumbledore's office, after all, he didn't want to get caught, and began his course. Those little snot-nosed brats had seemingly forgotten about him for now, but he couldn't assure it would stay that way once the adrenaline wore off. Dumbledore might've already known his secrets, but he couldn't have his secret get any further.

He crept his way up to the seventh floor, thankful that the students seemed to still be locked down, picking a spot that gave him full visibility of Dumbledore's office. The staff mostly filled out at one point, with the Weasley's and Hermione unfortunately being escorted to the Hospital wing by Madam Pomfrey herself.

Destroying Harry Potter's memory would have to be enough of a warning to keep their mouths shut too. He watched with interest as Lucius Malfoy stormed up the stairs, newspaper in hand and filthy house elf cowering behind him.

The door was kicked open several minutes later, Lucius kicking his houself angrily before clubbing him with his cane and walking off right past his hiding spot. Harry Potter himself ran right out after him, clutching something that appeared to be wrapped in a sock. Once Harry had sped past his hiding spot, he stepped out, wielding his wand.

Harry handed Lucius the item, which happened to be the diary once he'd tossed the sock at his house elf. Lucius began to storm off, but seemed to notice him.

"Ah Gilderoy Lockhart… I've heard your a bit of a bumbling idiot," the man sneered, and Harry turned around.

"Professor Lockhart?" Harry asked quietly.

"Sorry my boy, but you know too much," he sighed, waving his wand, " _Obliviate_ ".

Then something unexpected happened. Lucius Malfoy's ex-house elf, seeing as he'd rather idiotically tossed the sock at him, now owed his freedom to Harry Potter. The house elf tacked Potter out of the way at the last moment, and the spell hit Malfoy instead. The man dropped to the ground, and the house elf used its magic to sound the alarms quite literally, producing a deafening siren from it's mouth.

Dumbledore suddenly came out of his office, wielding his wand and glaring at him coldly, so he did the only thing he could do-

Run.

The castle, under Dumbledore's domain, attacked him the best it could, suits of armor came to life and attacked him, stairs moving so he couldn't use them, paintings screaming his location wherever he went. Somehow beyond all that, he made it to the first floor.

"Lockhart! Give up now!" Professor Snape shouted from behind him. Several of the other professors were blocking the main door to get out of the castle, wands all raised. "You attempted to attack students, a professor, and attacked Lucius Malfoy. Give up now!"

"Oh you forget Severus," Lockhart grinned, a famous grin like always. "We're on the first floor."

He took a running start to the closest window, taking a long leap, spinning so he kicked through the window feet first.

"Lockhart, wait!" Professor Sprout shouted as he crashed through the window. Lockhart looked down and realized his mistake. While the floor was called the first floor, you had to climb a rather large set of stairs outside to get to it.

He flailed trying to right himself, but he'd jumped at the wrong angle for this high of a drop. He tried casting a levitation charm on himself, but just like everything else he hadn't done it in long enough, and instead his wand just sparked and crackled loudly. Or maybe that was the sound of his skull as it hit the ground.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Like really how many future plot points have I screwed up at this point, I don't even know**


	16. Dumbledore - Welcome to Exposition City

**Author's Note: Hnnng tired**

* * *

To say that Dumbledore had a lot to catch up on, would be an understatement. When he was called back because Ginny Weasley had been taken into the Chamber itself, he'd been extremely worried. Somehow the whole thing had mostly wrapped itself up by the time he'd gotten there, although he was distraught to say the least when he found out Minerva had been petrified. Then Lockhart, having nothing but his pride left, destroyed Lucius Malfoy's memory by accident and tossed himself out a window. He was still alive when they got to him, but it was hard to say if he'd ever wake up.

The students threw a rather large feast to celebrate the death of the basilisk and the return of Hagrid, but everyone could tell that they were looking at all of the empty seats still around them. The Mandrakes were nearly done, but not quite.

While the students were heading back to their dormitories without a fear in the world, he made his way up to the Hospital Wing, pushing past the dividing curtain to get to the Petrified. Minerva had finally been transported up, and was just now being transferred to the bed.

Narcissa stayed with her son while her husband and Lockhart were taken to St. Mungos, and Hoenheim 'sat' on a chair between both of his sons, Edwards arm clicking around like it was excited about the new development.

While the underclassman exams were canceled, O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s still had to be completed. There was no O.W.L's for Alchemy since it was a new class, although it was expected for this year's first years to be able to take them their fifth year. Lucian Bole was permitted to take his owls at the beginning of next year because of his petrification, giving him the summer to catch up on everything, and his parents already gave their permission if he wanted to stay at the school during the summer as most teachers stayed anyway, with the obvious exception of the Defense position.

"Ah Dumbledore," Poppy greeted. "It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back," he agreed, "Any official word on the Mandrakes?"

"Still a little bit to go… Pomona's thinking end of May, beginning of June…" She frowned, "Mandrakes just aren't all that popular to grow, they take a lot of time and effort, she's done her best to find someone that has some fully grown but…"

"Five weeks…" he muttered to himself. "Well… now that the danger's passed, we don't have to worry about the petrified being attacked."

"I'm sure they have some people who want to see them," Poppy agreed.

* * *

While some of the students still celebrated and others resumed studying for their exams, he had to deal with the Ministry of Magics investigation. Everyone who went down into the Chamber of Secrets had to be interviewed, Harry and Dobby were interviewed about what happened to Lucius Malfoy, and any teacher involved in the pursuit of Gilderoy Lockhart was also questioned.

All in all, it was a tidy but week long investigation, but with a few added testimonies from the paintings in the castle, everything wrapped up nicely. Hagrid was officially pardoned from the attacks fifty years prior, and Tom Riddle's plaque was finally taken out of the trophy room. Since Hagrid was finally allowed to do magic once more, Alphonse Elric got in touch with Ollivander, and soon enough his wand was in perfect condition once more.

* * *

Transfigurations classes, much like alchemy, and Defense were technically canceled, but after all, he'd been the transfigurations professor once. He had to brush himself off a bit, but students admitted it wasn't a waste of their time, which was all he could ask for. The other 'class' seemed to be going just as well.

The Defense class however, was completely empty, whatever of Lockhart's belongings hadn't been taken by the ministry or st. Mungos had been vandalized with various forms of magic. Several Lockharts from his paintings had escaped the classroom into the rest of the castle, but most of them had somehow been fitted with attractive mustaches and beards, and one of them had been turned completely purple. Most of them were hiding behind curtains in the older paintings, clearly too vain about their appearances to ever come out into the light.

The Alchemy room looked much like a common room at this point, the windows were open now that it was warm outside, and the few kids who had been learning fabric alchemy had fused all of the pillows together into bean bags while no one was looking. Robes were hung up on hooks that quite literally came out from the wall.

Alphonse Elric had been collecting alchemy gloves all week, most students didn't need them now that the danger had passed, and they weren't all that comfortable to wear now that the weather was heating up. The Weasley twins notably, had kept theirs. Of course Filch demanded they'd be banned, since technically the students could create secret passages with them, but he decided not to implement that until next year. The children deserved to have their fun.

Severus, as always applied for the Defense Position, and he, as always, opened up the potions position for interviews. He already had an idea for who to seek out this year however.

"The staff table is… quiet," Severus added quietly at dinner. All of the teachers slid in to fill the empty seats, but that didn't hide the fact that three of them were gone.

"Why Severus, is that your way of admitting you miss them?" Dumbledore asked slyly. Severus responded by stabbing his steak with a fork.

"I certainly don't miss Lockhart," he added a moment later.

"I think you'll miss hating him," Dumbledore joked, Severus gave a signature dark grin.

"How much longer?" He asked quietly.

"Four weeks."

* * *

The Mandrakes were calming down from their partying days, but they hadn't begun to move into each other's pots. Pomona suspected they would need at least twelve to be matured to have enough for the brew. Narcissa Malfoy admitted that she couldn't find any through her husbands 'connections' either.

"He might've looked as well but… he hadn't seemed too concerned about the matter," she said quietly, sitting on the bed with her son. "Angry of course but… never concerned."

"How is his condition?" He asked.

"He's… still about the same… he's aware I suppose, but he introduces himself again every time," she admitted, "He's happy though… I never said that often before, but he seems happy as he is. The nurses seem to think he'll recover slowly over time but…"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Never look to the past, never look to the future, you have to stay in the moment," she warned, "In the moment I have to wait for my son, and take care of our affairs," she rubbed her son's knee affectionately.

"Of course Narcissa…" He agreed, "If you need anything, just let us know."

"I will Albus. I will," she said softly as he got up.

The Hospital Wing was quiet that night, the other parents had returned to their rooms, either in the castle or in Hogsmeade, and Edward's metal limbs had been quiet since the Basilisk was killed. Whether it was connected or the limbs had finally succumbed to the petrification, no one knew.

He heard her turn to her son as he left and whisper, "Besides, Lockhart got the worse end of the deal didn't he."

* * *

The first two Mandrakes matured on St. Patrick's day ironically enough, Pomona only noticing when she reached into a pot and found it empty. She found the pot with the two mandrakes entwined together soon enough, and set the large pot off to the side.

"Early bloomers of course, a batch always has a few… I'll have to start checking the pots daily now," Pomona explained over lunch. The second years, of course, first to hear the news, were happily telling the rest of their classmates.

"Nice try snake-ass, can't keep the fist of justice down for long!" The Weasley twins cheered.

"LANGUAGE!" One of the Ravenclaws cried in response.

"MAKE US!"

"It appears those children however, will never mature," Pomona joked.

* * *

Albus sat in on the Alchemy 'class' one of his free blocks. Alphonse had adjusted to teaching, not quite like his brother had, but the children still seemed to like him.

Most of his students had already begun getting the end of the year laziness, and he'd accommodated to that, apparently doing a different kind of bizarre, but simple alchemy every class instead. Today's lesson, appeared to be some type of the Weasley's 'Firework' alchemy, producing an effect that made the room look like it was filled with lightning bugs.

Ginny Weasley seemed absolutely delighted by the effect, after a year in darkness.

"Oh yeah Dumbledore," Alphonse waved to get his attention, "Did you ever figure out whether alchemy set off their under-age restrictions for magic?"

"I believe your little demonstration showed up more as a use of accidental-magic, but," he paused, "I would treat it like you would magic as an adult. Don't use it in front of muggles, don't use it if you don't have to," he explained warmly. Naturally the children seemed to accept that as 'don't do it outside of the house,' by the excited looks on their faces.

"Alright, and only stone and wood alchemy, anything else you've been learning out of class you'll have to talk to me about later," he added, and a few children pouted. "I know but those are the only two official types you learned," he reasoned.

"How long until Professor Ed's back?" One of the hufflepuff girls asked. Ginny Weasley looked down at transmutation circle guiltily.

"One or two weeks," Dumbledore answered. "The Mandrakes are maturing quickly now."

One of the other Hufflepuff boys apparently had a lot more of the base material he was supposed to, and suddenly the room was full of yellow light.

* * *

Hoenheim the ghost was sitting by his son again. Narcissa for once, wasn't at her sons side, and was instead at a meeting with one of her family's lawyers. Heather May's parents were snoozing on each other's shoulders quietly.

"Dumbledore," he greeted.

"Only a few days left I think, we're just waiting on two more," he said.

"That's good," the man agreed as he took a seat.

"I'm afraid I didn't talk to Edward that often, I don't know all that much about him. He did tell me the… bare essentials," Dumbledore questioned.

"I don't know him all that well either… I left when Edward was five and Alphonse was four. There was something bad happening, and I had to leave as soon as possible. When I had nearly finished my work I came back home… And I found my wife dead, my house burnt to the ground, my eldest son mutilated, and my youngest was nearly half human. But I wasn't done with my work yet…"

"So you left again," Dumbledore realized.

"I had to. They got separated a year later, and I came across Alphonse and later Edward when he returned."

"Edward left his brother?" He questioned. Based on the older brothers reluctance to ever leave Alphonse alone before the school year started, it seemed unlikely.

"Edward got badly injured, and sent Alphonse ahead with several of their friends. The civil dispute got worse and worse and by the time it ended, I lost them again. I died shortly after that I believe."

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't be, I made my decisions and they made theirs. I was the same way as Ed when I was younger, I wouldn't've forgiven me either," He admitted. The man, just as Narcissa, did not seem to want his pity.

"Of course," He apologized.

"There's a lot I have to tell him," Hoenheim mumbled to himself before suddenly dropping straight through the floor.

He filed away the conversation with the eccentric ghost as he got up, taking one long last look at Minerva before leaving.


	17. Ed 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Author's Note: Wow it's the last one... thanks for following me on this 58 minute journey**

Edward awoke to one of the strangest things he'd ever tasted being poured into his mouth, he tried to push whatever it was away, but his body didn't seem like it wanted to respond.

"Brother! Don't move okay, just stay still for a little bit-"

"Al? What's goin' on?" His tongue felt numb.

"You got Petrified," Al answered. "The potion will take a few minutes to take full affect okay?"

His neck unstiffened enough for him to be able to look around the room, seeing various students, Nearly Headless Nick, and Minerva getting the same treatment. Draco's back slowly straightened out, Colin Creevey's arms lowered to the rest of his body, and the first year girl he'd apparently failed at protecting slowly straightened out her legs.

"Did anyone d-"

"No-one died, the trio and the Weasley twins managed to kill the Basilisk," Al explained quickly.

"Basilisk, that's what that thing was?" He questioned. Al looked at him funny, but then got an enlightened and annoyed look on his face. "The Truth?" Al nodded.

"I don't understand though… If the kids were able to handle it… then why did the Truth even send us here?" Al whispered.

"Maybe we aren't done yet… maybe the real problem hasn't even started," he whispered back.

"A lot of things have happened since you were petrified," Al agreed, "Lockhart's in a coma."

He nearly shot up, but his lower back didn't seem to be moving yet, "How the hell did that happen?"

"He got caught lying about his books, he'd never done any of it-"

"I KNEW IT!" The few students able to move their necks looked at him weirdly.

"-he tried obliviating Harry Potter, but he ended up hitting Draco's dad instead," Al whispered.

"How'd he end up in a coma then?" He frowned.

"He jumped out of a window a floor too high, hit his head," Al explained.

"Dang," he whistled. As his stomach returned to normal it gave a rather loud growl. "I am, starving. Let's get some food-"

"Brother!" Al whined, "Your legs aren't even awake yet-"

"I'll crawl then," he argued. Madame Pomfrey laughed as a house elf appeared with a large tray of food. "God bless house elves," he cheered, grabbing the first thing he saw and stuffing it in his mouth.

"One of the after effects of Petrification tends to be a bit of lingering hunger," she explained, carefully side stepping around one of the house elves.

"Just like old times then," Ed cheered, stuffing his bottomless stomach. Alphonse looked exasperated, but he didn't care. His entire body felt stiff and uncomfortable, and if he could feel his feet he would've already tried jumping out of bed.

Draco Malfoy was getting a rather hearty hug from his mother, as were most of the children. Colin Creevey's little brother had leapt up on his bed, and his father was laughing.

"Where's the old man at?" He asked, stuffing a bread roll in his mouth.

"In the library I think, he said he wanted to talk to you privately," Al responded, picking a grape off his plate. He stretched his arms high above his head, listening to his joints, both flesh and metal, as they creaked and cracked in relief. A few parents stared, but none of the kids were surprised, they'd all probably seen it before.

He ate until he could feel all of his body parts again, stretching his legs out multiple times. He still felt hungry, but at least he should be able to make it to the Great Hall for, looking at the clock, lunch.

"Brother why don't you wait a little longer-"

"Nope, I'm getting up Al, I've been sitting around long enough," Ed argued, stretching out his knees one last time before planting his feet firmly on the floor.

"You were petrified not-" Al stopped when his metal leg suddenly dropped his weight, quickly reaching over to catch him. "Brother! I told you to wait!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he grumbled as Al pushed him back onto the bed. He rolled up his pant leg, shocking more parents, and flipped open the external shieldings one at a time. One of the wires was slightly frayed, but it didn't seem like it was a problem. "I don't see anything," he frowned.

"When's the last time you oiled it?" Alphonse asked.

"Uh…. what month is it?" He asked, and Al squinted.

"End of May," he answered, suspicious.

"So that would be… six months?" he admitted sheepishly, and Al smacked him on the arm.

"You," he grumbled frustrated, "Oh I'll be right back," he cut himself off stomping lightly away.

"Oops," he sighed to himself, closing most of the automail back up. The first year girl and her parents slowly made their way out of the room, probably heading to the Great Hall.

Alphonse came back soon enough with the oil can that Hagrid had gotten him much earlier in the year, and one of his robes, and he quickly got to work on the joints, being careful as to not stain the hospital sheets.

The next time he got up, his leg thankfully didn't collapse on him, and he was able to get to the door by himself. Al made him put the robes on before they left, giving Minerva a chance to catch up, and space for the other students to sneak by.

"I must say, I do feel rather peckish myself," She admitted. They slowly made their way down the hallway, hearing the volume increase as they approached. "Must be a feast."

They were somewhat caught off guard as they got to the open doors, him more so than the others, as he was abruptly tackled off his feet by the Weasley twins. "Professor Ed!" They cheered as they landed on the ground in a tangle of limbs.

Minerva laughed wholeheartedly as Ed grumbled to himself. "Alright Al, back to the Hospital Wing we go."

"Oh don't be silly," the twins laughed, getting up and both reaching an arm out. He took their hands and they yanked him right back up, dragging him right to Gryffindor table as they got cheered in by students and staff alike.

"Is that all of them?" Lee asked as they sat down, Minerva heading towards the staff table.

"Still waiting on Malfoy, mom's probably breaking the news about his dad," Fred added. Sure enough Draco and his mother walked in, cheered in by all, regardless of house. They took a seat at the staff end of the table by themselves as Dumbledore rose.

"Welcome! To all of our students, staff, and ghosts-"

"EXCEPT GILDEROY GOLDILOCKS!" The twins shouted.

"Ah yes, except for Professor Lockhart, who, will not be returning for the rest of this year, or the next," Dumbledore announced, and everyone, unsurprisingly, cheered.

"Now, while this isn't technically the end of term feast, I'd like to say a few words anyway," Dumbledore decided, and everyone cheered. Him and Alphonse tensed slightly. "Baubillious, Hershey, Streetcar, Beryllium. Enjoy!" they both sighed out in relief.

"Oh yeah Dumbledore said something weird last time didn't he?" Fred questioned.

"Yeah, Hermione was gonna look it up… can't remember it for the life of me though," George shrugged. He and Al both stayed quiet, instead piling up their plates with food.

"What else did I miss other than all the big stuff?" He asked, stuffing turkey in his mouth.

"Uh, Quidditch got canceled, so nothing there," Lee shrugged.

"Oh yeah we wrote you a note on your chalkboard every day for fun," Fred laughed.

"Should I be concerned?" He frowned.

"Probably," George grinned.

"Only three more years," Ed sighed sarcastically.

"You wound us Professor," George cried, clutching his chest.

"Then go see Madam Pomfrey," he replied, taking a long sip of his goblet.

"Damn… 10 more points to Professor Elric," Lee laughed.

Ed let the others talk, listening in every once and while. It didn't feel like he missed much, but it felt like he missed everything at the same time. Severus and Minerva were laughing about something, some annoyed tension off of their shoulders now that Lockhart wasn't butting in every three seconds. Draco Malfoy, went from popular, to excluded, to purposefully avoiding his housemates throughout the course of the year. The Gryffindor trio, as always were whispering and laughing with each other, making small talk with their other friends occasionally, Neville going on about the mandrakes that probably saved his life.

Luna Lovegood, as always sat alone.

"Hey Al, I'm gonna go say hi to Luna," he explained, getting up from the bench. A few eyes followed him as he sat down next to the strange girl.

"Oh, hello Professor Ed, I'm glad you're back," she grinned.

"I'm glad to be back."

Her eyes flashed from grey to red, "You did well little al-chem-ist."

"I didn't do anything, not really," he admitted.

"But you did, everything's changed a little bit, the future of this place looks just a bit brighter… You're not done yet though."

"I figured."

"I'd reward you but, I think you still might be needing those metal limbs… Talk to Hoenheim… keep… existing," Luna's eyes flashed back to grey. "Sorry did I miss something?"

"Nope," He lied, plucking a bread roll out of the basket.

"Oh good," she sighed. "Any ideas for the last two weeks of class?"

"I'll see what Al's been doing, figure it out from there," he shrugged.

She hummed in acceptance, "I think I might go check on Ginny," she decided. They both got up, going to different points at Gryffindor table.

"-So I've got my wand up Lockhart's Portraits nose, George has set the classroom on fire, and Angelina's still got four shots of butterbeer left- Oh hey Ed," Fred waved, pretending like he hadn't noticed him walk over.

"Nice try," he smiled, and the twins pouted.

"Damn you Professor Ed," George croaked, sliding dramatically off the back of the bench.

"Foiled us again," Fred added, sliding right off and landing on his brother, who groaned in pain.

"These are two of my best students," Ed sighed, and Al laughed quietly.

* * *

Edward headed up to the library after the midday feast, and the room was almost hauntingly silent. It took him a minute to find Hoenheim, deep within the library, 'sitting' on the floor with a book.

"Hey," He sat down to get his attention.

"Edward, I see that you're alright," The ghost smiled faintly.

"Yeah, you'd better not start crying," Ed grumbled, stretching out his legs, and leaning back against the bookcase.

"Of course not," he sniffled, and Ed rolled his eyes.

"You wanted to tell me something?" He asked.

Hoenheim gained back his resolve, "Several things actually… We never did really get the chance to talk other than the basics…"

"I'm guessing you already talked to Al?" Ed questioned.

"That does seem to happen, doesn't it," Hoenheim sighed. "The Basilisk was released by Ginny Weasley, not of her own free will of course," he explained, "She was being controlled by a fragment of a soul, the soul of the man known here as Voldemort."

"I thought he got killed twice already," Ed frowned.

"And now he has been killed thrice," Hoenheim agreed, "Voldemort's soul is split many times across this world… That's not supposed to happen. The Truth was worried with all of the power he's amassed, he might find his way out of this world. The future of this world was so in flux that there was no way of figuring out which way it could end."

"So he sent me and Al... and you I guess," Ed reasoned.

"Correct," Hoenheim answered, and Ed examined the look on his face.

"You didn't… you didn't die trying to bring us back, did you?" He questioned quietly.

"No," he admitted, and Ed sighed out of relief. "I didn't think you were dead… it was… odd."

"That little girl, Mei," Hoenheim sighed, "She was distraught for a while when neither of you returned. The other Xingese boy, Ling, practically had to carry her away."

Ed frowned, he had thought about the others a lot, but he'd nearly forgotten the small girl. "What about Winry?"

"She seemed rather confident you'd return eventually…" Hoenheim said, smiling. His face turned somber however, "Unfortunately, we may have another problem."

"Like what?"

"The truth was able to bring my soul to this world, even though I had not entered a human transmutation."

"So?" He frowned, "What are you getting at?"

"Maybe it was because I was dead… Or maybe the truth might pull over the other two human sacrifices if he deems it necessary."

Ed gasped, "You mean Mustang and Teacher?"

"Maybe, maybe not," he admitted calmly. "We don't know how this could turn out, maybe he can only do it when human transmutation is performed, or when one of them dies. We might not even have to worry about it."

"But if it does?" Ed frowned again.

"Your teacher is easy enough to explain I suppose, but Mustang?" He questioned, and Ed cursed.

"Family friend? Izumi's brother maybe, they could probably pull it off if it came to that, he's good enough at lying," Ed planned, and Hoenheim shrugged.

"It sounds like good enough of a plan for now," Hoenheim agreed. The conversation had seemingly ended, so he began to push himself up off of the ground. "Oh and Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget to plan your lessons, you still have class tomorrow," the old man grinned.

"Hey! I know what I'm doing!" he shouted back, and the old ghost laughed.

"QUIET IN THE LIBRARY!" Madam Pince shouted, and Ed jumped up.

"You did that on purpose didn't you?" He grumbled.

"What can I say, you are fairly predictable," Hoenheim laughed quietly. Ed waved to him tiredly before leaving the library.

* * *

When he walked into his classroom he wasn't too surprised by the redecorations, although just like the twins claimed, there was a rather lengthy note on the board.

 _Day 61,_

 _Today is the last day without Professor Ed, who we have given our souls_

 _We have been empty without him, our hearts filled with nothing but alchemy chalk._

 _Percy was transformed into nothing but a wooden exterior of his boring self in an accident,_

 _without your wisdom, we have no knowledge. Harry and Ron lived after transmuting the basilisk_

 _into a large duck, ignoring your philosophy. Hermione has eaten all of the alchemy gloves, and_

 _now burps out wooden twigs whenever she laughs, we missed you Edward_

 _3 the weasley twins_

Edward laughed at the strange note before deciding to leave it up. A house elf apparated into the room, holding a large jug, and an obscenely large jar of corn.

"You requested this be delivered to your classroom?" The house elf held up the bottles questioningly.

"Yup! Thanks," Edward gladly took the bottles, tucking them behind his desk as the house elf apparated away. The desks had all been transmuted back into large logs which were fused against the walls to prevent any accidents. He left all of the beanbags and pillows as they were, setting large pots by each seat.

"Professor Ed!" the Weasley twins cheered. "I think you've seen our note?"

"Yes I have," he admitted, putting the last pan down.

"Don't worry about missing the other sixty-" George assured,

"I think Ron wrote them all down," Fred added, laughing.

"What's all the pans for?" Lee Jordan asked as he walked in the classroom.

"You'll see," Ed assured, sitting on top of his desk as they waited for the other students to come in.

Once everyone was seated, he got himself prepared.

"Professor Ed, what's with the pans?" Lee asked again.

"They are for your exams," Ed grinned, and everyone groaned.

"I thought Dumbledore cancelled exams?" Graham Montague questioned.

"Well this is my class and I can do what I want," Ed cheered, and the students groaned. "You will be using all of your knowledge that Al has taught you about Firework and Water alchemy over the past weeks to do something extremely dangerous."

"Like what?" The twins questioned as he leaned over the back of his desk, grabbing the two bottles.

"We're making popcorn!" He cheered, and all of the students sighed in relief.

"Nearly gave us a heart attack!" Fred laughed as he drew the boiling transmutation on the side of the board next to the note. Other house elves arrived as they drew out their transmutation circles, carrying all of the toppings he'd requested over to his desk. He thanked them all before they left, and the students all put their pots over their transmutation circles.

He went around pouring the oil and the popcorn, and soon enough the windows had to be opened due to the reeking smell of oil in the air.

By the time class ended everyone was munching on popcorn, and luckily the Weasley twins knew a spell to clean out the pots, so the next class could have the same surprise. He hid everything back behind his desk as the bell rang, and the fourth years filed out with their popcorn.

The first years filed in just as confused as the last class, sidestepping pots as they sat down.

"Why the pots?" Ginny questioned, banging it lightly against the floor. Luna shrugged at her.

"Finals," he answered. The first years were in more uproar than the fourth years. "We're doing an extremely risky transmutation, using the skills Alphonse has taught you in order to make-" he grabbed the oil and corn once more, "Popcorn!"

"Bloody hell Professor you scared me," Ginny sighed, mirroring her brother. Her classmates laughed.

* * *

"Ah Edward there you are," Dumbledore sighed as Ed cleaned up his classroom for the last time, although his classroom still slightly reeked. "I was coming to ask what you and your brother were planning to do for the summer."

"Uh well I was uh-" he stammered uncomfortably.

"You're welcome to stay here just like all the other teachers," Dumbledore laughed, and he sighed in relief. "Just doing a headcount, that's all."

"Ah," he sighed, transmuting the last pot back into the large metal rod it had been before. "Who else is staying?"

"All the same as last year I think, if you're worrying about sneaking around Madam Pince, she will be going home again," Dumbledore joked.

"Jeez Dumbledore, I'm not _that_ hard to convince," he joked back, fusing the metal rod to the wall.

"Just two weeks left, I'm sure for you the school year's gone by rather quickly," Dumbledore admitted somewhat darkly.

"Well, I missed two months, so I guess so," Ed shrugged, putting back on his jacket before following Dumbledore out of the room. "McGonagall doing alright?"

"She's doing fine, and probably doing a much better job teaching than I had," Dumbledore admitted. "Is Alphonse already at dinner?"

"I sent him ahead," Ed agreed.

The great hall as usual was booming with laughter, and for once he actually went up to the staff table.

"Ah, the child has finally decided to grace us with his presence," Snape commented sarcastically.

"Love you too Uncle bird nose," he replied, sitting down next to Minerva who stifled her snickering in her goblet.

"Speaking of children, are you still sixteen Edward?" Minerva questioned quietly.

"Uh… what date is it?"

"June 5th," Snape commented dryly.

His eyes opened, "Nope, tomorrow."

"Your birthdays tomorrow?" Minerva questioned.

"Oops," he shrugged, eyeing the annoyed look on her face. "That's not a holiday when Dumbledore's supposed to roller-skate around, is it?" he joked.

"How do you forget your own birthday?" she mumbled to herself quietly.

"So besides the end of year feast it's basically the end right?" He asked Severus.

"Yes, that is the last major event of the year," He confirmed. "Assuming the heir of the Leprechauns doesn't suddenly attack," he added jokingly, and Minerva whipped off her hat and tossed it at him.

"Don't joke about that Severus," she frowned, although Ed thought she was hiding a faint smile.

* * *

Edward awoke early the next morning when a flaming candle nearly set his hair on fire.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY PROFESSOR ED!" The Weasley Twins cheered, laughing as he rolled off the back of his bed. Alphonse was laughing by the doorway, where he'd clearly let them in.

"How old are you anyway?" George questioned as he pushed himself off the ground.

"Three thousand and eighty four," he lied, sitting back on the edge of his bed, thankful he fell asleep in his clothes for once.

"Blasphemy, you look no older than two thousand," Fred gasped, flapping his hand dramatically as Ed blew out the candle.

"Our little boy's all grown up," George wiped away a fake tear.

"You callin me little?" He grumbled pointedly.

"Oh no of course not," Fred denied.

"We're calling you our tiny little midget!" George laughed as they both dashed out of his room, tossing the cupcake into his face as a last resort.

"Brother DON'T!" Al shouted as he ran out of the room.

And that was how he spent the first twenty minutes of his birthday, with frosting melting down his face, and automail foot banging against the floor as he chased the Weasley's from the second floor, all the way to the door of the Gryffindor common room, where the fat lady refused to let him in.

McGonagall, of course hearing about it, spent the first three minutes of lunch laughing at him with Snape. A minute later he and Al joined them too.

* * *

 **Author's Note - Was that a great ending, probably not. Am I going to continue into the next book, who knows, definitely have to reread and see how many plots are screwed, I dunno if the Buckbeak thing can even happen but boy will I check. It would be smash-uploaded like this though, have a good night/day peeps**


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